New Here, EXTREME LOW SELF ESTEEM

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-15-2003
New Here, EXTREME LOW SELF ESTEEM
6
Fri, 10-31-2003 - 11:28am
Well, I told myself that I WOULD NOT JOIN ANOTHER BOARD!! But here I am.

I am 25, and I have...well I don't really have ANY self esteem. I grew up in a neglectful family. My dad adored my sister, my mom adored my brother. And Pamela? (me) well I got to raise myself. I grew up on a grain farm, and I had a horse and dogs and cats. These were my family.

My dad would always tell me how worthless I was, and constantly compared me to my neighbour, and best friend at the time, Gena. "Why can't you carry water to your horse like Gena does?" Keep in mind my distance was about twice as long.

I could go on and on and on about things like that. But the truth is, I don't remember a whole lot about my childhood. My mom was an alcoholic, but she hid it well. But I guess I knew about it and have been blocking it out. Because I remember VERY little about my childhood. My mom quit drinking about a year and a half ago, and we are now closer than we have ever been.

I go out and visit my dad, I have learned that parents make mistakes too. We aren't all that close, but it is better than nothing.

I don't look in mirrors, because I think that I am so terribly ugly. I don't get my picture taken, I didn't even get grade 12 grad picutures done for that reason.

My first, and only, boyfriend and I just broke up a few months ago. We started dating when I was 16. He cheated and lied to me. We broke up for three years and i went away to school. He also moved away and got into bad drugs. We both moved back, and we got back together. And of course, like after every little breakup we had, he would come crawling back to me and say that he had changed. And he hadn't. He started out good, but then, like always, started going out and leaving me alone. So I broke it off.

So now I have a big complex that I am not worthy of love. I mean, my parents ignored me, I had this great boyfriend who all of a sudden did a 360 and treated me like crap. I try not to let my little "tape recorder" in my head tell me this negative things. But it is hard to stop.

Anyway, I guess I should get some work done.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2003
Sat, 11-01-2003 - 8:10pm
Hi Pamela,

I just read your post and I thought to myself, wow, this girl sounds a lot like me! I was blown away when I noticed the similarities between our upbringings. I grew up on a grain farm (I clicked on your profile and noticed that you're from Manitoba too) with an emotionally unstable mother and distant father. My parents had this really high set of morals that my sister and i were expected to live up to. I tried to find comfort and self-esteem with the boyfriends I dated, but of course it never worked. Even now when I'm recently married, the emptiness still hasn't gone away. I think that you must be a lot more brave than you give yourself credit for--you managed to ditch the jerky boyfriend and move on, while I always clung onto whatever guy would date me. Kuddo's to you for having the courage to break up with him!

It sounds like you are headed in the right direction!

If you would like to chat, I really hope you will post again, or feel free to send me an e-mail through ivillage.

Take care

ifelicity

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-15-2003
Sun, 11-02-2003 - 1:40am
Ifelicity

That is so cool that we are from the same province. I have only stumbled upon one other Manitoban on another board. But I only spoke with her once.

I wrote you an email, I hope you get it.

Take care and thanks for answering my post.

Pamela

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2003
Mon, 11-03-2003 - 2:45pm
welcome to the board. i know you from another board.. i won't say which one in case you wouldn't want me to. i always wondered if i would run into anyone here too. i am getting a book about cognitive therapy which is supposed to help the negetive thoughts that i also think. i will let you know how it is. sending you welcoming hugs.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-15-2003
Mon, 11-03-2003 - 4:28pm
Thanks! Yeah, I see you and another lady from another board. I don't mind if you say where you see me. What you see is what you get with me!!

This doesn't seem to be like a very busy board, though.

Pamela

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-1999
Mon, 11-03-2003 - 5:36pm

Welcome,


Sorry I didn't reply sooner, work today was busy.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2003
Tue, 11-04-2003 - 2:53pm
Hi. I definitely can understand how you feel with regards to your parents and getting compared to someone. Before college, I always felt like I was invisible and in the shadow of my twin. Now, 4 yrs later, we're both living at home (this year) and it's amazing how little things change. Once again, I'm ignored and getting compared. I've been trying to tell myself the only opinion that matters about myself is the one I have. What my parents think of me has no bearing on me. While attending an AMAZING college, I learned to value myself more than ever before. My parents may not consider me as a person to take seriously or someone who should be valued...but I have learned that I am important. They talk negatively about me and I ignore it. I've programmed myself to think that I am not required to listen to what they say about me. My own self esteem is low at the moment b/c I feel like I'm doing nothing with my life...trying to find work but since neither of my parents or sister are willing to play cabdriver for me (yet expect me to do that for them) it's kinda rough. However, instead of passively letting them walk all over me, I'm asserting (or trying) my needs and desires and making it clear that I count too and I need to focus on career development for myself. Standing up for myself makes me feel good...even though I hate it that my sister's their priority.

Bottom line: Don't let your self esteem depend on other people's opinion of you or let failed relationships bring you down ! You are worthy of love...but you need to love yourself first before loving others. - benita