New Here, EXTREME LOW SELF ESTEEM
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|Fri, 10-31-2003 - 11:28am|
I am 25, and I have...well I don't really have ANY self esteem. I grew up in a neglectful family. My dad adored my sister, my mom adored my brother. And Pamela? (me) well I got to raise myself. I grew up on a grain farm, and I had a horse and dogs and cats. These were my family.
My dad would always tell me how worthless I was, and constantly compared me to my neighbour, and best friend at the time, Gena. "Why can't you carry water to your horse like Gena does?" Keep in mind my distance was about twice as long.
I could go on and on and on about things like that. But the truth is, I don't remember a whole lot about my childhood. My mom was an alcoholic, but she hid it well. But I guess I knew about it and have been blocking it out. Because I remember VERY little about my childhood. My mom quit drinking about a year and a half ago, and we are now closer than we have ever been.
I go out and visit my dad, I have learned that parents make mistakes too. We aren't all that close, but it is better than nothing.
I don't look in mirrors, because I think that I am so terribly ugly. I don't get my picture taken, I didn't even get grade 12 grad picutures done for that reason.
My first, and only, boyfriend and I just broke up a few months ago. We started dating when I was 16. He cheated and lied to me. We broke up for three years and i went away to school. He also moved away and got into bad drugs. We both moved back, and we got back together. And of course, like after every little breakup we had, he would come crawling back to me and say that he had changed. And he hadn't. He started out good, but then, like always, started going out and leaving me alone. So I broke it off.
So now I have a big complex that I am not worthy of love. I mean, my parents ignored me, I had this great boyfriend who all of a sudden did a 360 and treated me like crap. I try not to let my little "tape recorder" in my head tell me this negative things. But it is hard to stop.
Anyway, I guess I should get some work done.