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|Tue, 11-04-2003 - 3:06pm|
I am 32 oldest of three children. I have two boys by two different marriages - currently divorced for close to 3 yrs after 8yrs of marriage. Living with my bf of over 1 yr.
I had a very very "bumby" childhood - mom married my sd when I was 3 and had my 2 little brothers who are now 26 and 22. She & sd seperated several times when my youngest bro was 2/3 - and we moved from the place we had always lived with our entire family supporting us to a state where sd was SUPPOSE to be working - he was living with another women and her 3 kids taking care of them - mom knew - she dragged us anyways. He put us up in an run-down old church - no furniture - no transportation. I spent the days entertaining my brothers and praying to go home!!! I didnt even go to school the few months we were there - none of us did - mom held out hope for sd, he said he loved us and wanted to be with us - but the entire time we were there he lived with ow and her children. He had to bring us food - we were totally dependant on him. He then decided that he wanted to move to HIS hometown - and sent us ahead, promising to follow - he loved us and wanted to be with us - yeah right - so off mom went - doing his bidding - packup three kids and haul us across state via a friend of the family - to live in a run-down nasty house w/o heat - i remember washing our clothes by hand and hanging them up on the clothes line - mom made do on foodstamps and hope - she just knew dad was coming - he was still behind with the other women and her kids - a year later he did come - to divorce mom and leave us all behind. We stayed on until a death in mom's immediate family made us come home. I only lived with her for a very short time - i just could not forgive her- finally moved in with my grandparents-within walking distance of my mom and brothers. IF I sit and talk about childhood memories with anyone, including my ss and bros - i cannot remember ANYTHING - this is all from hazy memories - and from what my grandmother told me. There has been so many times my brothers have said "remember that time ......" I just smile and say oh sure - I dont - I have very very few real memories of my child-hood. Some are good. My step-dad NEVER acted like he loved me - i remember a fathers day card, i was 8/9????, I had made at school for him and COULD NOT wait to show him!!! I ran up and handed it to him and he quickly read it as he walked - said uh-huh and left!!! I still to this day have a hard time believing mom loves me - she has always treated me way different then my brothers - PLUS i am still trying to forgive her for putting him (sd)first and ruining two years of our lives... i never caught up in school and dropped out in 10th grade, neither of my bros finished. I have been at the same job for over 10 yrs - and make decent money - not an issue - the issue is - HIS wants, needs went before HERS and ours.... thats so wrong considering the circumstances.
I cannot walk across a crowded room - i just KNOW everyone is looking at me and thinking that iam fat, ugly etc. Getting up to go to the bathroom at a resturant is hard-very hard. Gazing deep into my df eyes - nope - i just know hes gonna see something wrong with me - something not right, ugly. Driving... even there I feel insecure-people are looking at me. Its more a appearance thing - but I do have a problem with people thinking im stupid - i just know they are laughing at me - sigh -
So sorry this is so long - this is background. I still stuggle day to day - grocery shopping - etc. I cannot leave the house without full makeup - after a shower etc. Im not sure - is it vanity??? The thought of going OUT out, even with df - causes anxiety - someone most surely with look at me and notice how stupid and ugly I am and make fun of me....
Geesh... i sound awful!!!!!
Advise, question, whatever... I just wanted you all to hear some of my background. There is so much there that i dont remember...