New - intro

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2003
New - intro
7
Tue, 11-04-2003 - 3:06pm
Hi everyone

I am 32 oldest of three children. I have two boys by two different marriages - currently divorced for close to 3 yrs after 8yrs of marriage. Living with my bf of over 1 yr.

I had a very very "bumby" childhood - mom married my sd when I was 3 and had my 2 little brothers who are now 26 and 22. She & sd seperated several times when my youngest bro was 2/3 - and we moved from the place we had always lived with our entire family supporting us to a state where sd was SUPPOSE to be working - he was living with another women and her 3 kids taking care of them - mom knew - she dragged us anyways. He put us up in an run-down old church - no furniture - no transportation. I spent the days entertaining my brothers and praying to go home!!! I didnt even go to school the few months we were there - none of us did - mom held out hope for sd, he said he loved us and wanted to be with us - but the entire time we were there he lived with ow and her children. He had to bring us food - we were totally dependant on him. He then decided that he wanted to move to HIS hometown - and sent us ahead, promising to follow - he loved us and wanted to be with us - yeah right - so off mom went - doing his bidding - packup three kids and haul us across state via a friend of the family - to live in a run-down nasty house w/o heat - i remember washing our clothes by hand and hanging them up on the clothes line - mom made do on foodstamps and hope - she just knew dad was coming - he was still behind with the other women and her kids - a year later he did come - to divorce mom and leave us all behind. We stayed on until a death in mom's immediate family made us come home. I only lived with her for a very short time - i just could not forgive her- finally moved in with my grandparents-within walking distance of my mom and brothers. IF I sit and talk about childhood memories with anyone, including my ss and bros - i cannot remember ANYTHING - this is all from hazy memories - and from what my grandmother told me. There has been so many times my brothers have said "remember that time ......" I just smile and say oh sure - I dont - I have very very few real memories of my child-hood. Some are good. My step-dad NEVER acted like he loved me - i remember a fathers day card, i was 8/9????, I had made at school for him and COULD NOT wait to show him!!! I ran up and handed it to him and he quickly read it as he walked - said uh-huh and left!!! I still to this day have a hard time believing mom loves me - she has always treated me way different then my brothers - PLUS i am still trying to forgive her for putting him (sd)first and ruining two years of our lives... i never caught up in school and dropped out in 10th grade, neither of my bros finished. I have been at the same job for over 10 yrs - and make decent money - not an issue - the issue is - HIS wants, needs went before HERS and ours.... thats so wrong considering the circumstances.

I cannot walk across a crowded room - i just KNOW everyone is looking at me and thinking that iam fat, ugly etc. Getting up to go to the bathroom at a resturant is hard-very hard. Gazing deep into my df eyes - nope - i just know hes gonna see something wrong with me - something not right, ugly. Driving... even there I feel insecure-people are looking at me. Its more a appearance thing - but I do have a problem with people thinking im stupid - i just know they are laughing at me - sigh -

So sorry this is so long - this is background. I still stuggle day to day - grocery shopping - etc. I cannot leave the house without full makeup - after a shower etc. Im not sure - is it vanity??? The thought of going OUT out, even with df - causes anxiety - someone most surely with look at me and notice how stupid and ugly I am and make fun of me....

Geesh... i sound awful!!!!!

Advise, question, whatever... I just wanted you all to hear some of my background. There is so much there that i dont remember...


Thanks ....

 

I am co cl for "Ask Dr. Ruth" board. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-15-2003
In reply to: thehardway
Tue, 11-04-2003 - 3:50pm
Wow

You have had a rough life. But it sounds like you have made a good one for yourself now. Look at all that you have accomplished, by YOURSELF.

I have the same feelings about walking in public places, getting up to go to the bathroom etc. I feel everyone is watching me and that they are pointing and laughing, thinking I am fat and ugly. I just try to tell myself to quit being silly. My counsellor told me, in a nice way not meaning to be rude, but I am just another person. I am not that important to them that they are doing that. And it kind of makes sense, I mean they might just think that we are pretty or are admiring something we are wearing.

Take care

Pamela

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2003
In reply to: thehardway
Tue, 11-04-2003 - 4:21pm
Thanks Pamela,

I realize that I am "just another person" - LOL - I am getting a little better about certain things. Its so funny how at home I can look in the mirror and see an attractive women - the MOMENT I walk outside I am self-doubting EVERYTHING. I scold myself - driving home today I will totall avoid eye-contact with anyone - thats hard to do sitting in traffic for an hour.

Amazingly I am very confident in my job - and i love it!!! I do not doubt the work I do or the answers I give -

When it comes to my current relationship - I look for the bad - when he does something JUST to be nice...I suspect he is trying to find a way out... no sex for a few days...im fat and unattractive to him -he doesnt want me etc......its exhausting trying to keep myself sane sometimes!!!!

I do have alot of great things in my life and try to be positive. When it comes to myself - its amazingly hard to do. I just KNOW something is going to happen because I do NOT deserve the good things i got. And when something bad DOES happen - well what did i expect....

Thanks again.....

PlayNICE


 

I am co cl for "Ask Dr. Ruth" board. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-15-2003
In reply to: thehardway
Tue, 11-04-2003 - 5:16pm
I can totally relate.

I am glad that you didn't take that the wrong way! I know when my counsellor first told me that, I was kind of hurt. But it really makes sense.

Pamela

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2003
In reply to: thehardway
Tue, 11-04-2003 - 9:18pm
EVERYONE deserves good things to happen to them in life. NO ONE deserves to have bad things happen in life. Instead of looking at every negative or bad experience as a curse or as something that should happen to you, try to find a way to turn that experience/feeling/situation into a positive thing in your life. I firmly believe that there are two sides to everything and for every negative there is a positive-my motto for life. Also, please stop believing that bad things should happen to you...I'd say you've had your share of it. Believe that good things can happen ( i know it's hard) and make high expectations for yourself-life. Reach for the stars!

-benita
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-1999
In reply to: thehardway
Wed, 11-05-2003 - 2:13pm

Welcome Playnice,


I'm so sorry you had such a difficult childhood.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2003
In reply to: thehardway
Fri, 11-07-2003 - 11:34am
Thanks for your thoughts. I STILL feel sorry for my mom. She never remarried, she never dated, she never did ANYTHING with her life. She is now obese, disabled and alone. Very bitter woman. She was NEVER a mother to me - and not much of one to my brothers. This man broke her. She let him - at least thats the way I saw it even at that young of an age (10,11,12???)


Between her and my step-father (from age 2-3) I always felt like they just varely tolerated me. He had two children from a previous marriage so I have a step-sister who is just about a yr younger then me and a step-brother a few older. Even though mom and sd divorced so long ago - me and ss are still very very close. She is one of the great things I did get out of them being together (besides my two younger bros!!!!) I thank GOD everyday for the great grandparents and aunts I have. My poor grandmother still to this day despises my ex-stepfather. She claims that he was physically abusive to me when I was little - so do most of my family. Mom denies it - I dont remember it. Like I said, I dont remember alot of my early days ....

I have learned after having a baby at 19, being married twice and divorced twice - to look at it from mom's angle. Its hard even in this day and age to be a single mom of two -

I believe what broke up BOTH my marriages (besides my last ex being a habitual cheater) is my total lack of self-worth. I just couldnt believe these men really loved ME - they must have some alterier motive ??????They must be with me because i got pregnant (1st marriage) or because i take total care of them (second marriage) not because I am a good person etc.

My mom is actually one of the reasons I have worked so very hard on my self - she still to this day will tell you that men are worthless. If I have a fight with my bf and mention it to her i get negativity BIG time....so i just dont. Because of this and her disablity we never do the mother/daughter things. We dont go shopping together. I do make it a point to spend a few hours with her every weekend. If we just talk about silly stuff or movies etc. we are okay. Funny thing is she is so not like that with either of my brothers... its like I was someone elses child....can be hurtful.

Thanks so much for reading and offering your support. I do have a wonderful family - my two sons, I have a good relationship with my oldest son's father. I have a great job. I have a great fiance - and we are moving 11/24 into my dream apartment. Life is good -and thats how i do it....thats how I get through my days sometimes....by reminding myself how wonderful it is. I will be getting married AGAIN!!!! in February - I deserve this happiness. YEAH!!!!!

Much better - thanks!!!

 

I am co cl for "Ask Dr. Ruth" board. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-1999
In reply to: thehardway
Fri, 11-07-2003 - 4:01pm

It sounds like you've come to terms with your mom and your upbringing (which is good) but of course there are scars - to your self-esteem.

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