Starting counseling tomorrow (kinda long

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Starting counseling tomorrow (kinda long
1
Thu, 11-06-2003 - 4:05pm
I gave up trying to do this on my own. And I've decided to stop pretending there's nothing wrong with me. I made arrangments to start with a couselor tomorrow. I'm kinda excited. She right around the corner from work, so I can go on my lunch break. And from talking to her on the phone, she seems super nice.

I'd like to try and post here more often again, too. It's kinda hard with work monitoring internet access and all.

I haven't shared my biggest problem with you all yet. In fact, no one knows. Not a sinlge person in the world but me. Now you all.

Basically, since my stay in the hospital last spring, I've lost all interst in intimacy with my b/f. I don't want to go into detail, it's really embarassing. But it'g gotten so bad, that even him kissing me makes my stomach queasy. I can't explain it, but I feel.....almost dirty. But, I can't avoid sex. He's a guy, you know.

Now he would never EVER pressure me to do it, if I wasn't fully wanting it. But I feel so guilty always telling him no. So I lie to him and tell him yes. Sometimes I have to close my eyes or hide my face to keep from crying.

We love each other so much, and this could kill the relationship completely if I don't get some help soon. I have no idea why I"m feeling this way and it scares me to pieces, I rarely sleep anymore, I worry all the time he'll find out, or I won't be able to pretend anymore. WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH ME!!!????

My other problem is soemthing else I've been keeping hidden. My severe jealousy/self-esteem issue. I don't have a lot of time to go into detail. Basically I go nuts when we're watching TV or anything and there's an attractive girl. I start the "What a slut" routine all the time. We got into a HUGE fight because I told him how I put cheerleaders and strippers were on the same level. I think they're just as bad, and I call them tramps and whores, etc. He gets so mad at me.

And I have all but forbid him from ever seeing one of his friends again, too. Which is SO not like me. He has this friend who is married, with a kid. This guy hangs out in strip bars and seedy places all the time and tries to talk my b/f into going too. My b/f knows how I feel about those places. I let him go once. I can't deny him a night out with his buddies, that's just not nice. But this friend is a horrible influence and I don't like him. And he doesn't care for me too much either. He thinks I'm a stupid bitch for not letting my b/f hang out with whores all the time. And I know his wife would throw a fit if she knew thats where he was.

Last night he and my b/f were on the phone talking and I could hear his friend, because my b/f was on his cell phone and I was right next to him on the couch reading. I heard him tell my b/f to lie to me about when he'd be home from work so they could go to the strip bars. I was furious. My b/f knew I heard and said he wasn't going to go. I told him never to talk to that guy again, and he got furious with me thinking I don't trust him. Now I feel bad. But for the love of god, he told my b/f to lie to me!

I feel like the worst girlfriend in the world. Why can't I just let it go?! Guys hang out with each other and get into trouble, that's what they do. THey're guys!

WHAT IS MY PROBLEM??!!!

I hope to get things cleared up with my therapist. I'll let you guys know how it goes. Thanks for letting me vent. Sorry it was so long.

Hugs

Nikki

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 11-06-2003 - 4:26pm

Nikki you poor thing, I know how terrible some of what you are going through feels like.


I'm glad you decided to see a therapist - I always sing the praises of mine, she helped me do a total 180!


As far as your BF's scummy friend goes, as hard as it is - you need to try & not worry about that loser.