Starting counseling tomorrow (kinda long
Find a Conversation
|Thu, 11-06-2003 - 4:05pm|
I'd like to try and post here more often again, too. It's kinda hard with work monitoring internet access and all.
I haven't shared my biggest problem with you all yet. In fact, no one knows. Not a sinlge person in the world but me. Now you all.
Basically, since my stay in the hospital last spring, I've lost all interst in intimacy with my b/f. I don't want to go into detail, it's really embarassing. But it'g gotten so bad, that even him kissing me makes my stomach queasy. I can't explain it, but I feel.....almost dirty. But, I can't avoid sex. He's a guy, you know.
Now he would never EVER pressure me to do it, if I wasn't fully wanting it. But I feel so guilty always telling him no. So I lie to him and tell him yes. Sometimes I have to close my eyes or hide my face to keep from crying.
We love each other so much, and this could kill the relationship completely if I don't get some help soon. I have no idea why I"m feeling this way and it scares me to pieces, I rarely sleep anymore, I worry all the time he'll find out, or I won't be able to pretend anymore. WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH ME!!!????
My other problem is soemthing else I've been keeping hidden. My severe jealousy/self-esteem issue. I don't have a lot of time to go into detail. Basically I go nuts when we're watching TV or anything and there's an attractive girl. I start the "What a slut" routine all the time. We got into a HUGE fight because I told him how I put cheerleaders and strippers were on the same level. I think they're just as bad, and I call them tramps and whores, etc. He gets so mad at me.
And I have all but forbid him from ever seeing one of his friends again, too. Which is SO not like me. He has this friend who is married, with a kid. This guy hangs out in strip bars and seedy places all the time and tries to talk my b/f into going too. My b/f knows how I feel about those places. I let him go once. I can't deny him a night out with his buddies, that's just not nice. But this friend is a horrible influence and I don't like him. And he doesn't care for me too much either. He thinks I'm a stupid bitch for not letting my b/f hang out with whores all the time. And I know his wife would throw a fit if she knew thats where he was.
Last night he and my b/f were on the phone talking and I could hear his friend, because my b/f was on his cell phone and I was right next to him on the couch reading. I heard him tell my b/f to lie to me about when he'd be home from work so they could go to the strip bars. I was furious. My b/f knew I heard and said he wasn't going to go. I told him never to talk to that guy again, and he got furious with me thinking I don't trust him. Now I feel bad. But for the love of god, he told my b/f to lie to me!
I feel like the worst girlfriend in the world. Why can't I just let it go?! Guys hang out with each other and get into trouble, that's what they do. THey're guys!
WHAT IS MY PROBLEM??!!!
I hope to get things cleared up with my therapist. I'll let you guys know how it goes. Thanks for letting me vent. Sorry it was so long.