Feeling like a total failure

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2003
Feeling like a total failure
3
Thu, 11-20-2003 - 2:35pm
So for the last 6 months, my twin has worked at 3 different places simultaneously and saved enough to buy a brand new car today. It's really nice but when I saw it, I just lost it! I feel like such a failure. While she's worked at 3 STEADY jobs I've had a few temp jobs (short) and that's it. Well, I was offered a long-term 6 month temp job in Oct. but it was in the NYC and I would never have returned in time for class at 6 p.m. in Jersey. I HAVE been looking for work but with her 3 jobs and only one car until today my parents insisted that I stay home and help out by always dropping her and my mom off work/picking them up and yeah I do have more confidence when driving but not that much. My sister's schedule really didn't allow me to accept many temp assignments, only those that were in my area. I'm happy for her, really I am but I feel so envious at the same time. I know that she has worked hard and deserves everything but I work hard too. Don't I deserve some good things to happen in my life? 6 months ago, I felt that graduating from college was something to be so proud of and that I really achieved something. Now, I feel like I've achieved nothing. I'm working towards my goals of working in the legal field by taking classes for the paralegal certificate and I did apply to be a volunteer for a legal aid organization...but I had to turn it down b/c of scheduling conflicts due to my sister's schedule.

I'm hoping that now that my sister will be able to take her car wherever she wants to go, I can take the other car and just drive around randomly (if I ever get the courage to just drive where I've never driven before)and find work already. I'd love to find a position related to the field I want to get into but I'll take anything. sorry it was so long just felt really down...maybe beginning PMS too. any words of encouragement welcome.

benita
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 11-20-2003 - 2:43pm

Ohh Benita, I'm sorry you are feeling that way.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-1999
Thu, 11-20-2003 - 5:28pm

I agree with everything Julie says so I won't reiterate.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2003
Fri, 11-21-2003 - 7:45pm
Julie and Ben, thanks. To answer the questions, my twin WAS supposed to go back for her Masters in PA. She messed up and added an extra yr to her workload. This made her feel burned out and at the last minute possible (day before she was supposed to leave) she told us that she had withdrawn from the university for the year.

My parents said that she has to do something and that means work. Her jobs are all part-time, 3 jobs and still not 40 hrs a week. As far as work went, she was the first priority since I do have 3 classes this semester. My family still doesn't get that they expect me to do everything for them but won't do the same for me. I'm pretty much used by them to do their work for them and in return they don't think about my feelings/needs that much.

For example, my parents told my sister that she's finishing her education in NJ..they will not pay out of state for her again. However, if she doesn't get accepted to the few schools we have here her back-up is the school in PA. They'll definitely let her go back there...they're very desperate to have her finish her education. After all these years they still don't believe that I can manage on my own and have a future. They still believe that she can be more successful than me. Even though I firmly disagree. My self esteem increased while away from home in college and I believe that I can achieve my own goals. Now if I get into law school and can go, if she gets to back to her school out of state I'll be forced to go to our state school, my alma mater's law school which wouldn't be bad except I'm ready for a change of environment and would love to study/work/live out of state in a new place. Thanks for letting me know that my feelings are not imaginary b/c you both were right on (or as we say in the legal world, on point) when you said it seems I have to put my life on hold. That's exactly how I've felt.

benita