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|Sat, 11-22-2003 - 4:15pm|
today isnt my best of days it is a long story to make it short a friend of mine passed away on September 21st 2003 at 1:55 am one week after his 28th birthday I never really dealt with it fully kind tokld myslef that I should grieve forever so I grieved for a week and then put it all in a tiny box in the back of my mind to I was hoping forget about turned out now they are doing a homicide investigation into his death he has been gone for only 2 months yet at times it feels years have passed and then at other times it feels like it happened just yesterday so it opened up all these old emotions or maybe emotions that I just didnt deal with when this all happened.
So anyways today is not a happy day for me but that isnt the reason for me writting this
as you know I have huge issues with the way I look and I dont like the way I look recently I have started to act on all this self loathing and I have been slicing into my skin just the forearm of my left arm just slicing away I have never done ths before and yes it worries me but at the same time it doesnt.
I dont know why I am writting all of this I really dont I have other issues ut I post at another board for that it is depresion but what I am trying to figure out is why I am doing this to myself I have asked this question a million times but each time I ask it I have no answer I am not a cutter I have never been a cutter this is just a new thing that I do maybe this is just another way for me to destroy my body.
I used to take diet pills for 6 years or so everyday I would pop at least 6 or so diet pills plus caffine pills plus laxatives and then when I stoppped laxatives I would take water pills and exercize 14 hours or more a week on top of all of that and I would hardly eat a thing well I stopped taking diet pills like 2 weeks ago I know not very long but a huge thing for me the laxatives I stopped a few months ago and I am trying to work out a set amount of hours a week instead of everyday I used to weigh my self every week ot everyday and that would make or break my day depending on what the scale said and then I went to the doctor for an exam and he told me my actual weight I just cried inside and then when I got outside I let it all go I was so upset the fact that I weighed 105 was devistating to me I looked at myself in the mirror and say this fat pig and I threw my scale out of my room ripped up my weight chart I was upset now I am testing myself to see how I live without the scale to some of you this may seem stupid but to me it is huge for me to not take diet pills and all that stuff is a big deal for me.
So anyways I dont know what my whole point was to this but anyways I guess I jut needed to vent a little bit thanks all for listening I know I wrote alot and I dont expect a responce back I know I sound a little off hte wall and I am sorry like I said really really bad day today.