needing to vent..

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2003
needing to vent..
Sun, 11-23-2003 - 12:55am
Hello everyone, I'm new to this particular board, usually I'm in a relationship board, but now it's time to work on me.

First off, I'll tell you all a little about me. I'm 20 years old, and I am currently attending college to become a teacher(elementary ed.). I am on zoloft for depression and have been for the past 5 years. I saw a therapist up until over a year ago because I thought I was cured..boy was I wrong.

I have always had this terrible feeling about myself where I cannot stand who I am. I never have any confidence in anything that I do, or how people should feel about me. I always think that everyone else is so much better than me..prettier, smarter, skinnier, etc.. I have felt like this for as long as I can remember, thinking I was fat when I was 15 and I was wearing a size 3 pants. I always think to myself what I would do now to go back to those days before I had hips. But I get the feeling that even if I was perfect I would find something else to hate about myself. I mean you hear people all the time saying how they are fat or ugly or stupid, whatever, but it's like girl talk in general coversations. Alot just to get people to say, "Oh stop you are not fat!". This pisses me off, because here I am not comfortable in my own skin, and people are fishing for compliments. I just feel so alone like noone understand what it's like to hate yourself so much. I mean I would never kill myself or anything like that, but I just don't like me. No matter what I do I always second guess myself. For awhile these reoccuring thoughts had gone away, and I started feeling like so what if I don't have rock hard abs, or a model body, there are people who are alot worse off and they don't seem to care. But recently it has been digging me into a deeper and deeper whole. I'm to the point where I don't want to get out of bed in the morning, I would rather just stay and sleep. I mean I could sleep for over 15 hours straight. Last week, my boyfriend of 4 years and I broke up, so I have been going out lately, but I don't think it has anything to do with that. I know we will get back together, its more like a break from eachother, but now that I'm going out more, I feel ten times worse. I tried to go shopping the other day, I left so depressed its not even funny. I could not find one thing that I liked the way it looked on me. So I just came home and went to sleep. And it's not like the low self esteem comes from not being liked or something, I mean i have alot of friends, and guys hit on me and stuff, but I always wonder why. All i can think is what the hell do they see in me? And another thing that i notice too is how judgemental I am of other people. Any little thing like a flaw could make me think them as ugly, like bushy eyebrows, or a mole. I don't know what to do, but I'm going crazy in my own head. I have such a head ache, and I just needed to vent my problems to people who hopefully know where I'm coming from and how I feel. Please post your thoughts, sorry this is so long. -Sweetie
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-1999
Mon, 11-24-2003 - 9:49am

Hi Sweetie and welcome,

I can relate to how you feel.

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