Married to someone with Aspergers....

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2007
Married to someone with Aspergers....
129
Wed, 10-10-2007 - 5:53pm

My self esteem has been gone for a long time and I'm trying to get it back. Prior to getting married, I was working and going to school full time, had friends, was energetic and enthusiastic about life. After being with my husband for almost 15 years I feel depressed, drained, hopeless and pretty lousy. I want to lose weight, go back to school and get into a job where I feel like I am contributing to society but its so hard when I'm having difficulty doing basic things and I have to focus whatever energy that I can muster on taking care of our young son.

One thing that I am trying to do -- for myself and for others, is to get the word out about Aspergers Syndrome so that other women won't be stuck in a relationship not knowing why it isn't working -- no matter how hard they try.

Aspergers syndrome is relatively unknown in the "mainstream" population and many men
with (less severe) AS have learned to adapt their behaviors in public to the extent that
they come across as "normal, nice guys" who are perhaps a little odd or shy.
However, when they are in the privacy of their own homes, other symptoms and
behaviors emerge under stress so there are women out there, who can be married to
someone with AS for years and not even know it. Many times the issues/awareness arises
AFTER a child is diagnosed on the autism spectrum and they learn more about it and start
seeing correlations in their spouses.

I am now a member of a support group for women in these relationships (see my profile for more info) and it is helping to know that I'm not crazy since I now know that there are other women who understand what its like to be married to an Aspie, but how do I regain my self esteem?

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Frequently Asked Questions on Asperger Syndrome
Dr. Kathy J. Marshack, Ph.D., P.S.

1. What is Asperger Syndrome?
Asperger Syndrome (AS) is the term applied to the high functioning end of what is known
as the spectrum of pervasive developmental disorders or the Autism spectrum.
Asperger syndrome is a relatively new category, since it was officially recognized in the
Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) for the first time in 1994.
Since AS itself shows a range or spectrum of symptom severity, many individuals who
might meet criteria for that diagnosis are viewed as "unusual" or "just different," or are
misdiagnosed with conditions such as Attention Deficit Disorder.
The new DSM-4 criteria for a diagnosis of AS include the presence of:
ï The impaired use of nonverbal behaviors to regulate social interaction, failure to ï
develop age-appropriate peer relationships, lack of spontaneous interest in sharing ï
experiences with others, and lack of social or emotional reciprocity.
ï Restricted, repetitive, and stereotyped patterns of behavior, interests, and activities
involving: preoccupation with one or more stereotyped and restricted pattern of ï
interest, inflexible adherence to specific nonfunctional routines or rituals,
stereotyped or repetitive motor mannerisms, or preoccupation with parts of objects.

2. How common is Asperger Syndrome?
AS is much more common than previously realized and many adults are
undiagnosed.Studies suggest that AS is considerably more common than "classic" Autism.
Whereas Autism has traditionally been thought to occur in about 4 out of every 10,000
children, estimates of Asperger Syndrome have ranged as high as 20-25 per 10,000. A
study carried out in Sweden , concluded that nearly 0.7% of the children studied had
symptoms suggestive of AS to some degree. Time Magazine notes in its May 6, 2002 issue
cover story, "ASD is five times as common as Down syndrome and three times as common
as juvenile diabetes."

3. All of us have symptoms like these at times. Are we all Aspergers?
Many describe living with an Aspie as "water torture." It is the constant drip, drip, drip of
small thoughtless behaviors that destroys the relationship. The lack of eye contact, the
obsessive/compulsive behaviors, the adherence to rigid routines, the self absorption, the
social anxiety, all lead to family members feeling like they just cannot connect with their
Asperger family members. But it isn't so much the unusual behaviors that make the
connecting difficult, but the inconsistency. Never knowing what is coming next, makes a
loving connection very difficult.

4. What distinguishes Asperger thinking from normal thinking?
Asperger Syndrome (AS) is demonstrated by deficits in communication, social skills and
reciprocity of feelings. The Aspie knows what they think and feel but are often unaware of
what their loved ones think or feel. With limited empathy for others, you can't really
connect. So those with Asperger Syndrome go through life focused on their needs and
wants often missing what is going on with others. This does not mean that they don't feel
or love but they don't seem to notice what is going on with others and do not convey that
they care.

5. What is mind blindness?
Most of our communication and interpersonal relating is nonverbal in nature. The person
with Asperger Syndrome has trouble reading these nonverbal cues and therefore ignores
the bulk of communication. This mind blindness leaves the spouse wondering if she is
understood or cared for or trusted by her Aspie partner.

6. Can men with Asperger Syndrome love?
All people can feel love. It's a matter of quality in a relationship with an AS adult. The AS
man never seems to learn that his wife can't feel his love if he does not demonstrate it.
He will do what he thinks is best for the both of them but seldom talks to her about her
feelings or opinions. And if she tries to share her love for him, he may find her need to
"connect" smothering. Often these relationships are without sexual intimacy.

7. Why can't these men connect?
If you don't have much of an interior life yourself and you cannot comprehend the interior
life of another, then connection is very difficult. An Aspie husband and Neuro-typical (NT)
wife are often described as like two insulated wires wrapped around each other, . . .
touching but not connecting.

8. Why do Asperger men and Neuro-typical women get married?
AS men are attracted to strong, intelligent, compassionate women who can handle the
social world for them. These same women are attracted to the unconventional nature and
boyish charm of AS men. They feel he will allow them their independence. It is only later
that they learn their AS partner is quite conservative. Instead of supporting her
independence the NT wife realizes that her AS husband is merely disinterested in her
interests. His attention is narrowly focused on his interests.

9. Are there women with Asperger Syndrome?
Yes and their lives are probably even more complex than their male counterparts. To some
extent, males with Asperger's are more accepted because their behavior is viewed as
extreme male thinking. But women with Asperger Syndrome are viewed as cold, uncaring,
and selfish. Many AS women never marry or they marry AS men.

10. What kind of parents are people with Asperger Syndrome?
We are just learning about this tragedy from adults coming forward to tell about being
raised by AS parents. So far these people are reporting that they have coped with severe
depression and self esteem problems because they lived with a parent who could not
nurture them or get to know who they really are. It is very debilitating to experience
emotional rejection daily as a child, even if your physical needs are provided for. This does
not mean the AS parent does not love their child. But the communication and relating
deficits confuse the child and can lead to the child feeling unloved.

11. Why is it so emotionally debilitating for NTs to live with these people?
When the person you love does not respond to your bids for affection, or attempts to
share your inner world, you come to doubt your perception of reality. Slowly your self-
esteem is eroded. You walk on eggshells wondering what abuse the AS parent or spouse
will dish out next. If your mate, child or parent has not yet been diagnosed, you do not
know that they have a developmental disability. So you keep trying to reach them or solve
the problem and often blame yourself. You find a way to cope and often this creates
severe depression or extreme resentment. Many NTs who have grown up with AS parents
report a lifetime of severe depression, "nervous breakdowns" and a string of broken
relationships because they came to believe that they had no worth. Remember it is the
child's experience that defines the parenting, not whether the AS parent loves their child.

12. What do you mean by walking on eggshells in an Asperger marriage?
Men with undiagnosed AS often feel as if their spouse is being ungrateful or "Bitchy" when
she complains he is uncaring or never listens to her. He knows what he thinks and how he
feels, so should she. He has no need to understand her so her complaints are bothersome
to him. He can come to be quite defensive when she asks for clarification or a little
sympathy. The defensiveness turns into verbal abuse (and sometimes physical abuse) as
the husband attempts to control the communication to suit his view of the world.

13. Is there a cure for Asperger Syndrome or for the marriage?
Asperger Syndrome is an incurable form of autism. The usual methods of psychotherapy
used to teach clients communication and interpersonal skills will not work with AS. The AS
client can master some simple behaviors to get them by in the world, but they will fall
short in the intimacy of marriage. In the marriage the NT spouse will need to adapt to the
handicap. She must learn to translate the language to make her needs and wants as
explicit as possible because her partner cannot read her non-verbal communication. She
must also look to others for the type of personal and spiritual connection she can never
have with her husband.

14. How can you have a marriage without connecting personally or spiritually?
Again it is a matter of quality. If you have many interests in common, such as music or
sports, you may enjoy the companionship of your AS spouse. However, the strain of
raising children who may have inherited AS from their parent, often puts an end to the
marriage. The NT spouse cannot handle the loneliness and abuse, and care for dependent
children as well. Often she is the one to finally call an end to the marriage. On the other hand, some NT spouses report that the marriage can be quite gratifying if their AS spouse acknowledges his limitations and works with his wife to create a kind of loving connection.

15. What can you expect if you divorce an AS man?
Unfortunately he will not understand why the woman wants a divorce and he is likely to be
quite angry about it. Not knowing how to handle his distress he may turn the energy into
revenge. Many high conflict divorces are the result of the negativity and obsessing of the
AS partner regarding the wrongdoing he perceives of his NT spouse. It is likely to be a
long, painful and expensive divorce where all suffer, including the children. Some men
with AS, however, just leave quietly and never remarry, because they cannot quite figure
out how to rebuild a life separately from their former spouse. Some NT former spouses
report that their ex-husband even still refers to her as his "wife" years after the divorce.

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Are you, or do you know anyone in a relationship with a man who has Aspergers Syndrome?





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Edited 11/5/2007 2:39 pm ET by notcaaty



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Are you, or do you know anyone in a relationship with a man who has Aspergers Syndrome?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-30-2007
Sun, 12-30-2007 - 11:41am

Hi there,

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-30-2007
Sun, 12-30-2007 - 11:50am

Hi Shelley,


I am a woman who was married to a man with AS for 20 years.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-31-2007
Sun, 12-30-2007 - 3:15pm

Notcaaty,


Welcome to the board.


I have no idea or suggestions and I am pretty sure you already




iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 12-30-2007 - 10:08pm

I just saw your posts, but it's late and I'm very tired. I'll reply tomorrow after i get some business things done - promise.

give yourself a hug for me,
Sarah

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 01-01-2008 - 5:08pm

Sorry it took a little longer to get back here than I thought. Many spouses of men with AS have spent years in virtual isolation - not isolated from people - just people who understand what it is like. If you take the path of traditional marriage counseling, even numerous times and for a long time, you end up with nothing more than the NT/NT relationship Mars men/Venus women theory thrown in your face over in over. With AS spouse you're dealing with MarsX10, or Pluto man. Even very good friends and close family members do not grasp the situation and throw around that theory and variations of it. It's all too often a lonely, confusing and exhausting life experience. You are howling and o one is listening. All that can improve once the AS factor is discovered, learned about, and dealt with. There's a place you can communicate with others at health.group.com/group/ AspergerAndOtherHalf. I actually heard about it here. Michelle who posts here started it and told me about it. Come on over and visit with us sometime - we'd love to sit down and chat with you - You are not alone!

give yourself a hug for me,
Sarah

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2009
Wed, 02-18-2009 - 11:24am

I too am feeling just as you have described and have been married to my husband who also has Aspergers syndrome for 8 years. I met him when I was 22 and was still very optimistic about the future even though I was brought up by my Nan who I have later realised has Aspergers Syndrome, it actually runs in her genes on her side of the family.


Unfortunately history does actually seem to be repeating itself as my Nan married an Aspergers man and then went on to have two sons with Aspergers. One of these sons then married my Mother who has been diagnosed with dyslexia of which I also have but thank goodness the all clear for Aspergers Syndrome.


As young as

Avatar for filiasan
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-29-2004
Sun, 02-22-2009 - 3:12am
I have AS. But I guess I'm an atypical aspie. Repetitive tasks aren't my thing. I like a little bit of chaos.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2009
Wed, 03-18-2009 - 9:49am
Thank you for writing this. When I read it, I felt as if I must be writing blogs in my sleep. You've aptly described my life of the last twenty years. I see it's been two year since you posted- how is you self esteem?
My son's preschool teacher has just suggested that he may have asperger's, And I feel as though Im falling through the floor because I know it's true and I know my husband, his sister and their father have it, too. After all these year of loneliness, my beautiful son.....
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2009
Thu, 06-25-2009 - 3:48pm
What a relief to find this support group. I have indeed been going mad. I have been married to a man with AS and only in recent months have I realized it. I have six children and even scarier I have seen traits in all of the children. The eldest girl is 11 and has been diagnosed with AS since she was three and on of my six year old twin boys I am convinced is the same but cannot get him diagnosed. The other children all have mild traits but enough that I can see it interfere with their lives socially. I have been so depressed recently and angry and my husband of course cannot respond in the appropriate way because he does not have any insight in to his condition. He is a Neurologist by profession so he claims to know everything about AS and Autism. He have never accepted my daughters diagnosis and all these years has never been involved in the treatment process. We have moved about five times in the last ten years and my husband cannot seem to settle in a job for more than two years, He has an obsession with Irish music and all things related. I thought at first he married me because I am from Ireland but now I know that cannot be the case. I feel so alone as it is hard to make friends living under these circumstances. I know in my heart the marriage is over. My health is affected and it scares me that if something happened to me what would become of my children and their emotional welfare. I know I have to make a plan for the future which includes getting a a job. That could take a while as I was an RN and need to get my license sorted but I think I can find the courage somewhere to do this. I know that I cannot see myself growing old with him. I am very anxious because I know he may get very angry if I divorce and there is an ugly side to him that I have seen in recent times. I would be grateful if you could give me tips and some advice as the best way to start my plan. Thank you .
Deirdre Pippenger
Deirdre Pippenger
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2009
Thu, 06-25-2009 - 4:40pm
I have six children(see my post from today) Doesn't it make you angry that your husband is acting as normal and now has fathered children with AS. Yes like you I feel like I have "fallen through the floor" and am really lost. I am angry with myself for not seeing the AS before now. I feel guilty because if I had known I would not have had children with him. It is so unfair to my kids. How are you coping today since your last post?
Deirdre Pippenger
Deirdre Pippenger

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