Married to someone with Aspergers....

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2007
Married to someone with Aspergers....
129
Wed, 10-10-2007 - 5:53pm

My self esteem has been gone for a long time and I'm trying to get it back. Prior to getting married, I was working and going to school full time, had friends, was energetic and enthusiastic about life. After being with my husband for almost 15 years I feel depressed, drained, hopeless and pretty lousy. I want to lose weight, go back to school and get into a job where I feel like I am contributing to society but its so hard when I'm having difficulty doing basic things and I have to focus whatever energy that I can muster on taking care of our young son.

One thing that I am trying to do -- for myself and for others, is to get the word out about Aspergers Syndrome so that other women won't be stuck in a relationship not knowing why it isn't working -- no matter how hard they try.

Aspergers syndrome is relatively unknown in the "mainstream" population and many men
with (less severe) AS have learned to adapt their behaviors in public to the extent that
they come across as "normal, nice guys" who are perhaps a little odd or shy.
However, when they are in the privacy of their own homes, other symptoms and
behaviors emerge under stress so there are women out there, who can be married to
someone with AS for years and not even know it. Many times the issues/awareness arises
AFTER a child is diagnosed on the autism spectrum and they learn more about it and start
seeing correlations in their spouses.

I am now a member of a support group for women in these relationships (see my profile for more info) and it is helping to know that I'm not crazy since I now know that there are other women who understand what its like to be married to an Aspie, but how do I regain my self esteem?

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Frequently Asked Questions on Asperger Syndrome
Dr. Kathy J. Marshack, Ph.D., P.S.

1. What is Asperger Syndrome?
Asperger Syndrome (AS) is the term applied to the high functioning end of what is known
as the spectrum of pervasive developmental disorders or the Autism spectrum.
Asperger syndrome is a relatively new category, since it was officially recognized in the
Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) for the first time in 1994.
Since AS itself shows a range or spectrum of symptom severity, many individuals who
might meet criteria for that diagnosis are viewed as "unusual" or "just different," or are
misdiagnosed with conditions such as Attention Deficit Disorder.
The new DSM-4 criteria for a diagnosis of AS include the presence of:
ï The impaired use of nonverbal behaviors to regulate social interaction, failure to ï
develop age-appropriate peer relationships, lack of spontaneous interest in sharing ï
experiences with others, and lack of social or emotional reciprocity.
ï Restricted, repetitive, and stereotyped patterns of behavior, interests, and activities
involving: preoccupation with one or more stereotyped and restricted pattern of ï
interest, inflexible adherence to specific nonfunctional routines or rituals,
stereotyped or repetitive motor mannerisms, or preoccupation with parts of objects.

2. How common is Asperger Syndrome?
AS is much more common than previously realized and many adults are
undiagnosed.Studies suggest that AS is considerably more common than "classic" Autism.
Whereas Autism has traditionally been thought to occur in about 4 out of every 10,000
children, estimates of Asperger Syndrome have ranged as high as 20-25 per 10,000. A
study carried out in Sweden , concluded that nearly 0.7% of the children studied had
symptoms suggestive of AS to some degree. Time Magazine notes in its May 6, 2002 issue
cover story, "ASD is five times as common as Down syndrome and three times as common
as juvenile diabetes."

3. All of us have symptoms like these at times. Are we all Aspergers?
Many describe living with an Aspie as "water torture." It is the constant drip, drip, drip of
small thoughtless behaviors that destroys the relationship. The lack of eye contact, the
obsessive/compulsive behaviors, the adherence to rigid routines, the self absorption, the
social anxiety, all lead to family members feeling like they just cannot connect with their
Asperger family members. But it isn't so much the unusual behaviors that make the
connecting difficult, but the inconsistency. Never knowing what is coming next, makes a
loving connection very difficult.

4. What distinguishes Asperger thinking from normal thinking?
Asperger Syndrome (AS) is demonstrated by deficits in communication, social skills and
reciprocity of feelings. The Aspie knows what they think and feel but are often unaware of
what their loved ones think or feel. With limited empathy for others, you can't really
connect. So those with Asperger Syndrome go through life focused on their needs and
wants often missing what is going on with others. This does not mean that they don't feel
or love but they don't seem to notice what is going on with others and do not convey that
they care.

5. What is mind blindness?
Most of our communication and interpersonal relating is nonverbal in nature. The person
with Asperger Syndrome has trouble reading these nonverbal cues and therefore ignores
the bulk of communication. This mind blindness leaves the spouse wondering if she is
understood or cared for or trusted by her Aspie partner.

6. Can men with Asperger Syndrome love?
All people can feel love. It's a matter of quality in a relationship with an AS adult. The AS
man never seems to learn that his wife can't feel his love if he does not demonstrate it.
He will do what he thinks is best for the both of them but seldom talks to her about her
feelings or opinions. And if she tries to share her love for him, he may find her need to
"connect" smothering. Often these relationships are without sexual intimacy.

7. Why can't these men connect?
If you don't have much of an interior life yourself and you cannot comprehend the interior
life of another, then connection is very difficult. An Aspie husband and Neuro-typical (NT)
wife are often described as like two insulated wires wrapped around each other, . . .
touching but not connecting.

8. Why do Asperger men and Neuro-typical women get married?
AS men are attracted to strong, intelligent, compassionate women who can handle the
social world for them. These same women are attracted to the unconventional nature and
boyish charm of AS men. They feel he will allow them their independence. It is only later
that they learn their AS partner is quite conservative. Instead of supporting her
independence the NT wife realizes that her AS husband is merely disinterested in her
interests. His attention is narrowly focused on his interests.

9. Are there women with Asperger Syndrome?
Yes and their lives are probably even more complex than their male counterparts. To some
extent, males with Asperger's are more accepted because their behavior is viewed as
extreme male thinking. But women with Asperger Syndrome are viewed as cold, uncaring,
and selfish. Many AS women never marry or they marry AS men.

10. What kind of parents are people with Asperger Syndrome?
We are just learning about this tragedy from adults coming forward to tell about being
raised by AS parents. So far these people are reporting that they have coped with severe
depression and self esteem problems because they lived with a parent who could not
nurture them or get to know who they really are. It is very debilitating to experience
emotional rejection daily as a child, even if your physical needs are provided for. This does
not mean the AS parent does not love their child. But the communication and relating
deficits confuse the child and can lead to the child feeling unloved.

11. Why is it so emotionally debilitating for NTs to live with these people?
When the person you love does not respond to your bids for affection, or attempts to
share your inner world, you come to doubt your perception of reality. Slowly your self-
esteem is eroded. You walk on eggshells wondering what abuse the AS parent or spouse
will dish out next. If your mate, child or parent has not yet been diagnosed, you do not
know that they have a developmental disability. So you keep trying to reach them or solve
the problem and often blame yourself. You find a way to cope and often this creates
severe depression or extreme resentment. Many NTs who have grown up with AS parents
report a lifetime of severe depression, "nervous breakdowns" and a string of broken
relationships because they came to believe that they had no worth. Remember it is the
child's experience that defines the parenting, not whether the AS parent loves their child.

12. What do you mean by walking on eggshells in an Asperger marriage?
Men with undiagnosed AS often feel as if their spouse is being ungrateful or "Bitchy" when
she complains he is uncaring or never listens to her. He knows what he thinks and how he
feels, so should she. He has no need to understand her so her complaints are bothersome
to him. He can come to be quite defensive when she asks for clarification or a little
sympathy. The defensiveness turns into verbal abuse (and sometimes physical abuse) as
the husband attempts to control the communication to suit his view of the world.

13. Is there a cure for Asperger Syndrome or for the marriage?
Asperger Syndrome is an incurable form of autism. The usual methods of psychotherapy
used to teach clients communication and interpersonal skills will not work with AS. The AS
client can master some simple behaviors to get them by in the world, but they will fall
short in the intimacy of marriage. In the marriage the NT spouse will need to adapt to the
handicap. She must learn to translate the language to make her needs and wants as
explicit as possible because her partner cannot read her non-verbal communication. She
must also look to others for the type of personal and spiritual connection she can never
have with her husband.

14. How can you have a marriage without connecting personally or spiritually?
Again it is a matter of quality. If you have many interests in common, such as music or
sports, you may enjoy the companionship of your AS spouse. However, the strain of
raising children who may have inherited AS from their parent, often puts an end to the
marriage. The NT spouse cannot handle the loneliness and abuse, and care for dependent
children as well. Often she is the one to finally call an end to the marriage. On the other hand, some NT spouses report that the marriage can be quite gratifying if their AS spouse acknowledges his limitations and works with his wife to create a kind of loving connection.

15. What can you expect if you divorce an AS man?
Unfortunately he will not understand why the woman wants a divorce and he is likely to be
quite angry about it. Not knowing how to handle his distress he may turn the energy into
revenge. Many high conflict divorces are the result of the negativity and obsessing of the
AS partner regarding the wrongdoing he perceives of his NT spouse. It is likely to be a
long, painful and expensive divorce where all suffer, including the children. Some men
with AS, however, just leave quietly and never remarry, because they cannot quite figure
out how to rebuild a life separately from their former spouse. Some NT former spouses
report that their ex-husband even still refers to her as his "wife" years after the divorce.

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Are you, or do you know anyone in a relationship with a man who has Aspergers Syndrome?





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Edited 11/5/2007 2:39 pm ET by notcaaty



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Are you, or do you know anyone in a relationship with a man who has Aspergers Syndrome?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-26-2011
Wed, 01-11-2012 - 7:53pm
Google Atlanta Pyschiatrist who specializes in Aspergers...I think you might be able to find several. My husband has Aspergers and I just found a therapist up here in Dawsonville for myself. Is this for you or for your Aspie spouse?
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-09-2011
Mon, 01-23-2012 - 9:03am

Hi to one and all

I have a bit of a strange question here.

Community Leader
Registered: 12-21-2001
Mon, 08-06-2012 - 7:50pm

Namaste, Karen-Marie!:smileyhappy:

Try not to feel sad either for him or yourself.  I hope you are finding other ladies in similar situations who will be very happy to have someone to share a good book or a matinee.

Thank you, so very much, for sharing your story and the hopefulness that comes through your posts.

Thank You!:smileywink:

Namaste

 

 

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Community Leader
Registered: 12-21-2001
Wed, 08-08-2012 - 11:33am

Namaste shortya76!

Greetings and Welcome!

I  just put  (Google)  the phrase 'adults with Aspergers' into the computer browser, also use the related searches.  You can also find information and reading material at the library and perhaps check out the subject through bookstores online.  I would use computer reading material and learn more about the subject before I bought any books. 

Barnes and Nobel- http://www.barnesandnoble.com/  answered a general search with 59 pages and books ranging from $1.99 to to $300.00+.

Again, Greetings, Welcome and let us know what you found.

namaste

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Community Leader
Registered: 12-21-2001
Mon, 08-20-2012 - 11:48am

Greetings and Welcome sbgirly,

Will you share your story? Do/Did you have someone with Aspergers in your life? Did you face self-esteem issues?

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Community Leader
Registered: 12-21-2001
Sat, 08-25-2012 - 10:01pm

Namaste A,

This is only my opinion and I hope others will comment.

Please forgive me if I misread the situation and before I say he's a selfish man-(read jerk) and you are grasping at straws.  Let's look at some things.  

Some of the symptoms of Aspergers can be broken into parts:  Social Symptoms, Communication Symptoms, Cognitive Symptoms, Physical Symptoms, Emotional Symptoms.  Can you get to a computer to do more research on the subject?  Just putting the word or words into your browser gives you a host of places.

http://www.livestrong.com/article/105101-asperger-syndrome-symptoms-adults/

http://www.wisegeek.com/what-are-the-main-symptoms-of-aspergers-syndrome-in-adults.htm

http://www.webmd.com/brain/autism/mental-health-aspergers-syndrome

While social and emotional skills are impaired, there are no developmental delays and intelligence is usually quite high. Some communicate poorly, while others talk incessantly,  about topics that others have no interest in.
."..For days and sometimes weeks he leaves home after an argument and stays in a hotel. He doesnt share where he is during this time, I cannot reach him. When he comes back doesnt talk about what happened .. He behaves like nothing has happened and expects me to do the same..."  Does seem like a very intelligent way to handle situations?  He would want to fit in.  

People with Asperger 's often show intense focus, highly logical thinking, and exceptional abilities in math or science.  You did not mention if his time on the computer was spent doing any of those things are if he built the computer system.

Please read not only the above citations but this one also: http://www.aane.org/about_asperger_syndrome/asperger_syndrome_diagnosis_adults.html

Namaste

ps Post and let us know what happens.

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Community Leader
Registered: 12-21-2001
Wed, 08-29-2012 - 7:21pm

Hi anupie,

I'm unsure if you are asking about a marriage counselor or someone who can diagnosis Asperger's Syndrome. There are several ways for you to find someone. 1. Call your doctor or his nurse and ask for suggestions in whatever area you are looking into. 2. If there is a university or hospital in your area you might also call their psychology department to see if they have supervised graduate students who could meet your needs.(especially if money is an object) 3. The phone book usually has the State mental health departments listed that could help. 4. If you use the internet to find a doctor be sure that which ever search engine you use your location is set correctly on the search page.

"...Gaining a diagnosis as an adult isn't easy, especially as Aspergers syndrome isn't widely heard of among doctors. The typical route for getting diagnosed is to visit your doctor and ask for a referral to a psychiatrist or clinical psychologist, preferably one with experience of diagnosing autism. If you are already seeing a specialist for other reasons, then you might wish to ask them about a referral instead..." http://www.autism-help.org/adults-diagnosis-aspergers.htm

For the Asperger's Syndrome you may want a psychologist to diagnosis because you could also be dealing with an adult with ADHD or clinical depression. The main difference between a psychologist and a psychiatrist is that a psychiatrist can prescribe medications and a psychologist can not. There's no medication for Asperger's, so it's just a matter finding someone who specializes in that particular type of disorder.

If it is How To Find A Good Marriage Counselor- I suggest reading: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7100_counselor.html before you start.

But just as a personal aside, please think very long, very hard (and if you pray, pray) about only you spending money on this marriage or a diagnosis for him. You may need the extra cash to set up a new home and environment for you and your son. You said he agreed but already has a closed mind and you know what has happened before. What you may need-is to find is a therapist for yourself, you need someone to talk to who will not judge or spread the tale.

Can you take a day off work without him knowing? If he has a way to know your business while you don't know his... Take the child to daycare as always. Spend the day as you like, cry it all out if you need to-the low self-esteem too. Then shed no more tears or esteem.

Namaste:heart:

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Community Leader
Registered: 12-21-2001
Thu, 08-30-2012 - 3:31pm

Namaste!

Remember, drop us a post, let us know how you(pl) are progressing. We are are hoping (and praying) for the best for you and yours.

cl-miladyknight

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2012
Tue, 10-02-2012 - 5:22pm
I can not believe I just found this post. I have been struggling so badly. My son was diagnosed with Aspergers and now my husband, I've been married for 10 years this next summer and I'm going back to school, finally going to the gym, trying to gain myself back....but all the while I feel like the past 10 years I have been running a marathon. My husband has no idea how badly I suffer. I feel so responsible for staying in this marriage for my sons, but ultimately I want a divorice. He doesn't want one...I want to teach my son with Aspergers that you have to try and be empathetic but I don't want to do it at a cost to them. Thank you to the brave souls who posted....you made me feel that I'm not alone and that is a gift only
Someone with this problem would understand...
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-26-2013
Sun, 05-26-2013 - 2:18pm

Hello, all... I'm the father of a daughter in professional school.  She is "in love" with one of her classmates whom she has told us has AS, although she subsequently decided that he doesn't after all.  We have met the boy, and he is nice, but weird. His brother has identical strange mannerisms, but both parents are perfectly normal (whathever that means, but they do NOT display the same behavorial quirks.) His mother has stated that they fellow is just like his "weird aunt".  

Our daughter is head over heels, because this boy is "nice" to her, does nice things, tells her she is pretty and holds her when she has a bad day at school. BUT, for the first two years of the relationship, she complained bitterly to us that he was argumentative, and tired her out with his nitpicking. This has either stopped after she told him she was going to break up with him or she is simply not telling us about it any more. 

She went on a trip with the boy and his parents early in the relationship and his mother was hateful to my daughter, but that has turned around 100%, apparently after the boyfriend told his parents he would no longer speak to them if they didn't treat my daughter better. However, over Christmas, he was with them and wouldn't answer my daughter's calls or texts, because his time with his parents was "precious", and "I've already proven that I'll stand up for you to them...what else do you want?"

He has visited us here in our home, and told one of our old friends, whom he had just met, that he wakes up every day thinking of what nice thing he can do for my daughter that day. He met one of her old mentors, someone very prestigeous, and acted like the two of them were old friends.

Bottom line is this...My wife and I are desparate to keep her from making a horrible mistake, one that she probably won't admit until AFTER she's had two AS children.  For those of you who have gone through a relationship with someone with AS....is there something...ANYTHING...that would have dissuaded you from going down this path?  Thank you and God bless you.

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