Married to someone with Aspergers....

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2007
Married to someone with Aspergers....
Wed, 10-10-2007 - 5:53pm

My self esteem has been gone for a long time and I'm trying to get it back. Prior to getting married, I was working and going to school full time, had friends, was energetic and enthusiastic about life. After being with my husband for almost 15 years I feel depressed, drained, hopeless and pretty lousy. I want to lose weight, go back to school and get into a job where I feel like I am contributing to society but its so hard when I'm having difficulty doing basic things and I have to focus whatever energy that I can muster on taking care of our young son.

One thing that I am trying to do -- for myself and for others, is to get the word out about Aspergers Syndrome so that other women won't be stuck in a relationship not knowing why it isn't working -- no matter how hard they try.

Aspergers syndrome is relatively unknown in the "mainstream" population and many men
with (less severe) AS have learned to adapt their behaviors in public to the extent that
they come across as "normal, nice guys" who are perhaps a little odd or shy.
However, when they are in the privacy of their own homes, other symptoms and
behaviors emerge under stress so there are women out there, who can be married to
someone with AS for years and not even know it. Many times the issues/awareness arises
AFTER a child is diagnosed on the autism spectrum and they learn more about it and start
seeing correlations in their spouses.

I am now a member of a support group for women in these relationships (see my profile for more info) and it is helping to know that I'm not crazy since I now know that there are other women who understand what its like to be married to an Aspie, but how do I regain my self esteem?

Frequently Asked Questions on Asperger Syndrome
Dr. Kathy J. Marshack, Ph.D., P.S.

1. What is Asperger Syndrome?
Asperger Syndrome (AS) is the term applied to the high functioning end of what is known
as the spectrum of pervasive developmental disorders or the Autism spectrum.
Asperger syndrome is a relatively new category, since it was officially recognized in the
Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) for the first time in 1994.
Since AS itself shows a range or spectrum of symptom severity, many individuals who
might meet criteria for that diagnosis are viewed as "unusual" or "just different," or are
misdiagnosed with conditions such as Attention Deficit Disorder.
The new DSM-4 criteria for a diagnosis of AS include the presence of:
ï The impaired use of nonverbal behaviors to regulate social interaction, failure to ï
develop age-appropriate peer relationships, lack of spontaneous interest in sharing ï
experiences with others, and lack of social or emotional reciprocity.
ï Restricted, repetitive, and stereotyped patterns of behavior, interests, and activities
involving: preoccupation with one or more stereotyped and restricted pattern of ï
interest, inflexible adherence to specific nonfunctional routines or rituals,
stereotyped or repetitive motor mannerisms, or preoccupation with parts of objects.

2. How common is Asperger Syndrome?
AS is much more common than previously realized and many adults are
undiagnosed.Studies suggest that AS is considerably more common than "classic" Autism.
Whereas Autism has traditionally been thought to occur in about 4 out of every 10,000
children, estimates of Asperger Syndrome have ranged as high as 20-25 per 10,000. A
study carried out in Sweden , concluded that nearly 0.7% of the children studied had
symptoms suggestive of AS to some degree. Time Magazine notes in its May 6, 2002 issue
cover story, "ASD is five times as common as Down syndrome and three times as common
as juvenile diabetes."

3. All of us have symptoms like these at times. Are we all Aspergers?
Many describe living with an Aspie as "water torture." It is the constant drip, drip, drip of
small thoughtless behaviors that destroys the relationship. The lack of eye contact, the
obsessive/compulsive behaviors, the adherence to rigid routines, the self absorption, the
social anxiety, all lead to family members feeling like they just cannot connect with their
Asperger family members. But it isn't so much the unusual behaviors that make the
connecting difficult, but the inconsistency. Never knowing what is coming next, makes a
loving connection very difficult.

4. What distinguishes Asperger thinking from normal thinking?
Asperger Syndrome (AS) is demonstrated by deficits in communication, social skills and
reciprocity of feelings. The Aspie knows what they think and feel but are often unaware of
what their loved ones think or feel. With limited empathy for others, you can't really
connect. So those with Asperger Syndrome go through life focused on their needs and
wants often missing what is going on with others. This does not mean that they don't feel
or love but they don't seem to notice what is going on with others and do not convey that
they care.

5. What is mind blindness?
Most of our communication and interpersonal relating is nonverbal in nature. The person
with Asperger Syndrome has trouble reading these nonverbal cues and therefore ignores
the bulk of communication. This mind blindness leaves the spouse wondering if she is
understood or cared for or trusted by her Aspie partner.

6. Can men with Asperger Syndrome love?
All people can feel love. It's a matter of quality in a relationship with an AS adult. The AS
man never seems to learn that his wife can't feel his love if he does not demonstrate it.
He will do what he thinks is best for the both of them but seldom talks to her about her
feelings or opinions. And if she tries to share her love for him, he may find her need to
"connect" smothering. Often these relationships are without sexual intimacy.

7. Why can't these men connect?
If you don't have much of an interior life yourself and you cannot comprehend the interior
life of another, then connection is very difficult. An Aspie husband and Neuro-typical (NT)
wife are often described as like two insulated wires wrapped around each other, . . .
touching but not connecting.

8. Why do Asperger men and Neuro-typical women get married?
AS men are attracted to strong, intelligent, compassionate women who can handle the
social world for them. These same women are attracted to the unconventional nature and
boyish charm of AS men. They feel he will allow them their independence. It is only later
that they learn their AS partner is quite conservative. Instead of supporting her
independence the NT wife realizes that her AS husband is merely disinterested in her
interests. His attention is narrowly focused on his interests.

9. Are there women with Asperger Syndrome?
Yes and their lives are probably even more complex than their male counterparts. To some
extent, males with Asperger's are more accepted because their behavior is viewed as
extreme male thinking. But women with Asperger Syndrome are viewed as cold, uncaring,
and selfish. Many AS women never marry or they marry AS men.

10. What kind of parents are people with Asperger Syndrome?
We are just learning about this tragedy from adults coming forward to tell about being
raised by AS parents. So far these people are reporting that they have coped with severe
depression and self esteem problems because they lived with a parent who could not
nurture them or get to know who they really are. It is very debilitating to experience
emotional rejection daily as a child, even if your physical needs are provided for. This does
not mean the AS parent does not love their child. But the communication and relating
deficits confuse the child and can lead to the child feeling unloved.

11. Why is it so emotionally debilitating for NTs to live with these people?
When the person you love does not respond to your bids for affection, or attempts to
share your inner world, you come to doubt your perception of reality. Slowly your self-
esteem is eroded. You walk on eggshells wondering what abuse the AS parent or spouse
will dish out next. If your mate, child or parent has not yet been diagnosed, you do not
know that they have a developmental disability. So you keep trying to reach them or solve
the problem and often blame yourself. You find a way to cope and often this creates
severe depression or extreme resentment. Many NTs who have grown up with AS parents
report a lifetime of severe depression, "nervous breakdowns" and a string of broken
relationships because they came to believe that they had no worth. Remember it is the
child's experience that defines the parenting, not whether the AS parent loves their child.

12. What do you mean by walking on eggshells in an Asperger marriage?
Men with undiagnosed AS often feel as if their spouse is being ungrateful or "Bitchy" when
she complains he is uncaring or never listens to her. He knows what he thinks and how he
feels, so should she. He has no need to understand her so her complaints are bothersome
to him. He can come to be quite defensive when she asks for clarification or a little
sympathy. The defensiveness turns into verbal abuse (and sometimes physical abuse) as
the husband attempts to control the communication to suit his view of the world.

13. Is there a cure for Asperger Syndrome or for the marriage?
Asperger Syndrome is an incurable form of autism. The usual methods of psychotherapy
used to teach clients communication and interpersonal skills will not work with AS. The AS
client can master some simple behaviors to get them by in the world, but they will fall
short in the intimacy of marriage. In the marriage the NT spouse will need to adapt to the
handicap. She must learn to translate the language to make her needs and wants as
explicit as possible because her partner cannot read her non-verbal communication. She
must also look to others for the type of personal and spiritual connection she can never
have with her husband.

14. How can you have a marriage without connecting personally or spiritually?
Again it is a matter of quality. If you have many interests in common, such as music or
sports, you may enjoy the companionship of your AS spouse. However, the strain of
raising children who may have inherited AS from their parent, often puts an end to the
marriage. The NT spouse cannot handle the loneliness and abuse, and care for dependent
children as well. Often she is the one to finally call an end to the marriage. On the other hand, some NT spouses report that the marriage can be quite gratifying if their AS spouse acknowledges his limitations and works with his wife to create a kind of loving connection.

15. What can you expect if you divorce an AS man?
Unfortunately he will not understand why the woman wants a divorce and he is likely to be
quite angry about it. Not knowing how to handle his distress he may turn the energy into
revenge. Many high conflict divorces are the result of the negativity and obsessing of the
AS partner regarding the wrongdoing he perceives of his NT spouse. It is likely to be a
long, painful and expensive divorce where all suffer, including the children. Some men
with AS, however, just leave quietly and never remarry, because they cannot quite figure
out how to rebuild a life separately from their former spouse. Some NT former spouses
report that their ex-husband even still refers to her as his "wife" years after the divorce.


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Are you, or do you know anyone in a relationship with a man who has Aspergers Syndrome?

Click to join AspergersAndOtherHalf

Edited 11/5/2007 2:39 pm ET by notcaaty

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Are you, or do you know anyone in a relationship with a man who has Aspergers Syndrome?


iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2006
Sat, 06-27-2009 - 9:07am

Good Morning deepippy.


iVillage Member
Registered: 07-12-2010
Mon, 07-12-2010 - 10:11am

You may not come back and read this as it is so long ago but my husband has just accepted that he has AS and having lived in the most miserable marriage for the past 12 years, it has come as a bit of relief to find there is a reason why he has treated me so badly.

Just wanted to let you know, obviously, AS is high functioning autism and in addition to that, my husband is 100% positive this is the problem, years of denials of any problem, finally, he admits he has always known he was 'different'

He didn't have to study too hard for his Ph.D. and that is the point, it has no baring on intelligence at all.

Best of luck

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2010
Sun, 07-18-2010 - 4:44pm

Thank you for sharing that. I find Aspergers of interest every since (recently) I became depressed and started to evaluate my choices in life, myself as a person, my identity, etc. I always thought/knew that some of my relationships with others were semi dysfunctional to the point where I started to wonder if the reason was on my end. I am also very analytical by nature so this was almost a natural progression for me to spend so much time evaluating my life. Although I don't exhibit the classic signs of Aspergers, I often wondered if my emotional outbursts, lack of emotional maturity though out my 20s, could be the symptom? I never saw a psychiatrist because when I had insurance (now I don't), I wasn't depressed and wasn't giving this much thought.

I've always been social but very outspoken (Aspergers?). I wear my emotions on my sleeve, although I have gotten better at that. Until I met my current husband who can tolerate my emotional instability (mostly manifesting in very low self-esteem), I had a few failed romantic relationships. The men just left, not much explanation but I have been told that I am a complex, difficulty person to get along with. Any input?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2010
Tue, 08-31-2010 - 1:10pm

Hello; I will be married 20 years to a man with undiagnosed

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-10-2009
Wed, 09-01-2010 - 8:36am
hey, riab, welcome to the board. thanks for sharing your story. i can understand how your husband's condition would wear away at you after a while. i am sure that he loves you somewhere deep in his heart, and it's too bad that he isn't able to act as such. you are a trooper for withstanding
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-18-2010
Sat, 09-18-2010 - 9:30am
I have to say that I admire your patience. It can be confusing in a relationship with a man with Asperger's. My husband is undiagnosed AP. Like you, I developed depression. He travelled on the job all the times leaving me lonely. I have a 5 years old girl and I am very attached to her because she can respond to me emotionally. He did not like it when I called him to connect. He said that I was monitoring him. He was controlling around the money spending issue. He veto all my decision. His way or the highway... No sex... Actually, when I brought it up, he told me to sleep with other men and not telling him. I thought that was quite bizzare... The second time I brought it up, he asked for a divorce and took a one way street to the lawyer without even talking to me about it. I was in a big shock. Anyway, I was made aware of Asperger Syndrome after talking to a lawyer and have reading on it. It hits me because he has most of the symptoms... I am still hoping that he will reconcile but also worried about the life I have to live with him. I am learning more about AP in order to be able to deal with him since we will be co-parenting. I don't know how long he will be interested in his daughter but he has been coming by regularly. We have been separated for 1 months officially. I taught him so much about parenting and he has been good with my daughter. I am still wonder what would make him change his mind and come back.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2010
Sat, 10-23-2010 - 5:36pm

Well, like many of you after 20 years and raising 4 kids with my dh, we have finally

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2010
Fri, 11-19-2010 - 4:43pm

Unfortunately, to cope I turned to Bulima.

After 17 years, I finally had it with what I viewed as my husband's daily rape sessions. I went to seek treatmant for my bulimia and the trauma.

At the therapist we discussed the abuse and worked up to other things, then after a month she actually gave me some relief when she said,she believes my husband has AS.

Knowing, children and suspected adults with AS, it was like a light bulb when off in my head. Yup, he believed in a mechanical sort of way that sex equaled love, but he wasn't capable of reading the non-verbel cues that I did not want to have sex. Come to think of it I never said, "I do not want to have sex." I assumed, the shoving, biting and cursing him

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-21-2010
Tue, 12-21-2010 - 10:33pm

Hi. I have only just discovered that I have been married to an AS male for decaded. I was reading up on HFA prior to teaching a child with it and the lightbulbs went on when i found my man had all the signs. At first I couldn't read enough to confirm and reconfirm that he was really an Aspie. There is no doubt in my mind. I sent for books by experts and still had no doubts. Then I felt a weight lifting off my shoulders of never being able to understand what was going wrong and causing such pain. others couldn't see it, or see too much wrong with this kind and helpful and upstanding man, but I knew I felt unloved and rejected and could not see what more I could do. The depression of living like this is real. next i felt elated to have found a cause, a reason for it all and I became understanding. Now it has all settled in my mind I just feel sad that i have been done out of a loving and reciprocal relationship. The fact that he says I am probably right about AS, but intends to read nothing or do anything to remedy it is little help. Thanks for reading.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2010
Thu, 12-23-2010 - 3:07pm