Married to someone with Aspergers....

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2007
Married to someone with Aspergers....
129
Wed, 10-10-2007 - 5:53pm

My self esteem has been gone for a long time and I'm trying to get it back. Prior to getting married, I was working and going to school full time, had friends, was energetic and enthusiastic about life. After being with my husband for almost 15 years I feel depressed, drained, hopeless and pretty lousy. I want to lose weight, go back to school and get into a job where I feel like I am contributing to society but its so hard when I'm having difficulty doing basic things and I have to focus whatever energy that I can muster on taking care of our young son.

One thing that I am trying to do -- for myself and for others, is to get the word out about Aspergers Syndrome so that other women won't be stuck in a relationship not knowing why it isn't working -- no matter how hard they try.

Aspergers syndrome is relatively unknown in the "mainstream" population and many men
with (less severe) AS have learned to adapt their behaviors in public to the extent that
they come across as "normal, nice guys" who are perhaps a little odd or shy.
However, when they are in the privacy of their own homes, other symptoms and
behaviors emerge under stress so there are women out there, who can be married to
someone with AS for years and not even know it. Many times the issues/awareness arises
AFTER a child is diagnosed on the autism spectrum and they learn more about it and start
seeing correlations in their spouses.

I am now a member of a support group for women in these relationships (see my profile for more info) and it is helping to know that I'm not crazy since I now know that there are other women who understand what its like to be married to an Aspie, but how do I regain my self esteem?

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Frequently Asked Questions on Asperger Syndrome
Dr. Kathy J. Marshack, Ph.D., P.S.

1. What is Asperger Syndrome?
Asperger Syndrome (AS) is the term applied to the high functioning end of what is known
as the spectrum of pervasive developmental disorders or the Autism spectrum.
Asperger syndrome is a relatively new category, since it was officially recognized in the
Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) for the first time in 1994.
Since AS itself shows a range or spectrum of symptom severity, many individuals who
might meet criteria for that diagnosis are viewed as "unusual" or "just different," or are
misdiagnosed with conditions such as Attention Deficit Disorder.
The new DSM-4 criteria for a diagnosis of AS include the presence of:
ï The impaired use of nonverbal behaviors to regulate social interaction, failure to ï
develop age-appropriate peer relationships, lack of spontaneous interest in sharing ï
experiences with others, and lack of social or emotional reciprocity.
ï Restricted, repetitive, and stereotyped patterns of behavior, interests, and activities
involving: preoccupation with one or more stereotyped and restricted pattern of ï
interest, inflexible adherence to specific nonfunctional routines or rituals,
stereotyped or repetitive motor mannerisms, or preoccupation with parts of objects.

2. How common is Asperger Syndrome?
AS is much more common than previously realized and many adults are
undiagnosed.Studies suggest that AS is considerably more common than "classic" Autism.
Whereas Autism has traditionally been thought to occur in about 4 out of every 10,000
children, estimates of Asperger Syndrome have ranged as high as 20-25 per 10,000. A
study carried out in Sweden , concluded that nearly 0.7% of the children studied had
symptoms suggestive of AS to some degree. Time Magazine notes in its May 6, 2002 issue
cover story, "ASD is five times as common as Down syndrome and three times as common
as juvenile diabetes."

3. All of us have symptoms like these at times. Are we all Aspergers?
Many describe living with an Aspie as "water torture." It is the constant drip, drip, drip of
small thoughtless behaviors that destroys the relationship. The lack of eye contact, the
obsessive/compulsive behaviors, the adherence to rigid routines, the self absorption, the
social anxiety, all lead to family members feeling like they just cannot connect with their
Asperger family members. But it isn't so much the unusual behaviors that make the
connecting difficult, but the inconsistency. Never knowing what is coming next, makes a
loving connection very difficult.

4. What distinguishes Asperger thinking from normal thinking?
Asperger Syndrome (AS) is demonstrated by deficits in communication, social skills and
reciprocity of feelings. The Aspie knows what they think and feel but are often unaware of
what their loved ones think or feel. With limited empathy for others, you can't really
connect. So those with Asperger Syndrome go through life focused on their needs and
wants often missing what is going on with others. This does not mean that they don't feel
or love but they don't seem to notice what is going on with others and do not convey that
they care.

5. What is mind blindness?
Most of our communication and interpersonal relating is nonverbal in nature. The person
with Asperger Syndrome has trouble reading these nonverbal cues and therefore ignores
the bulk of communication. This mind blindness leaves the spouse wondering if she is
understood or cared for or trusted by her Aspie partner.

6. Can men with Asperger Syndrome love?
All people can feel love. It's a matter of quality in a relationship with an AS adult. The AS
man never seems to learn that his wife can't feel his love if he does not demonstrate it.
He will do what he thinks is best for the both of them but seldom talks to her about her
feelings or opinions. And if she tries to share her love for him, he may find her need to
"connect" smothering. Often these relationships are without sexual intimacy.

7. Why can't these men connect?
If you don't have much of an interior life yourself and you cannot comprehend the interior
life of another, then connection is very difficult. An Aspie husband and Neuro-typical (NT)
wife are often described as like two insulated wires wrapped around each other, . . .
touching but not connecting.

8. Why do Asperger men and Neuro-typical women get married?
AS men are attracted to strong, intelligent, compassionate women who can handle the
social world for them. These same women are attracted to the unconventional nature and
boyish charm of AS men. They feel he will allow them their independence. It is only later
that they learn their AS partner is quite conservative. Instead of supporting her
independence the NT wife realizes that her AS husband is merely disinterested in her
interests. His attention is narrowly focused on his interests.

9. Are there women with Asperger Syndrome?
Yes and their lives are probably even more complex than their male counterparts. To some
extent, males with Asperger's are more accepted because their behavior is viewed as
extreme male thinking. But women with Asperger Syndrome are viewed as cold, uncaring,
and selfish. Many AS women never marry or they marry AS men.

10. What kind of parents are people with Asperger Syndrome?
We are just learning about this tragedy from adults coming forward to tell about being
raised by AS parents. So far these people are reporting that they have coped with severe
depression and self esteem problems because they lived with a parent who could not
nurture them or get to know who they really are. It is very debilitating to experience
emotional rejection daily as a child, even if your physical needs are provided for. This does
not mean the AS parent does not love their child. But the communication and relating
deficits confuse the child and can lead to the child feeling unloved.

11. Why is it so emotionally debilitating for NTs to live with these people?
When the person you love does not respond to your bids for affection, or attempts to
share your inner world, you come to doubt your perception of reality. Slowly your self-
esteem is eroded. You walk on eggshells wondering what abuse the AS parent or spouse
will dish out next. If your mate, child or parent has not yet been diagnosed, you do not
know that they have a developmental disability. So you keep trying to reach them or solve
the problem and often blame yourself. You find a way to cope and often this creates
severe depression or extreme resentment. Many NTs who have grown up with AS parents
report a lifetime of severe depression, "nervous breakdowns" and a string of broken
relationships because they came to believe that they had no worth. Remember it is the
child's experience that defines the parenting, not whether the AS parent loves their child.

12. What do you mean by walking on eggshells in an Asperger marriage?
Men with undiagnosed AS often feel as if their spouse is being ungrateful or "Bitchy" when
she complains he is uncaring or never listens to her. He knows what he thinks and how he
feels, so should she. He has no need to understand her so her complaints are bothersome
to him. He can come to be quite defensive when she asks for clarification or a little
sympathy. The defensiveness turns into verbal abuse (and sometimes physical abuse) as
the husband attempts to control the communication to suit his view of the world.

13. Is there a cure for Asperger Syndrome or for the marriage?
Asperger Syndrome is an incurable form of autism. The usual methods of psychotherapy
used to teach clients communication and interpersonal skills will not work with AS. The AS
client can master some simple behaviors to get them by in the world, but they will fall
short in the intimacy of marriage. In the marriage the NT spouse will need to adapt to the
handicap. She must learn to translate the language to make her needs and wants as
explicit as possible because her partner cannot read her non-verbal communication. She
must also look to others for the type of personal and spiritual connection she can never
have with her husband.

14. How can you have a marriage without connecting personally or spiritually?
Again it is a matter of quality. If you have many interests in common, such as music or
sports, you may enjoy the companionship of your AS spouse. However, the strain of
raising children who may have inherited AS from their parent, often puts an end to the
marriage. The NT spouse cannot handle the loneliness and abuse, and care for dependent
children as well. Often she is the one to finally call an end to the marriage. On the other hand, some NT spouses report that the marriage can be quite gratifying if their AS spouse acknowledges his limitations and works with his wife to create a kind of loving connection.

15. What can you expect if you divorce an AS man?
Unfortunately he will not understand why the woman wants a divorce and he is likely to be
quite angry about it. Not knowing how to handle his distress he may turn the energy into
revenge. Many high conflict divorces are the result of the negativity and obsessing of the
AS partner regarding the wrongdoing he perceives of his NT spouse. It is likely to be a
long, painful and expensive divorce where all suffer, including the children. Some men
with AS, however, just leave quietly and never remarry, because they cannot quite figure
out how to rebuild a life separately from their former spouse. Some NT former spouses
report that their ex-husband even still refers to her as his "wife" years after the divorce.

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Are you, or do you know anyone in a relationship with a man who has Aspergers Syndrome?





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Edited 11/5/2007 2:39 pm ET by notcaaty



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Are you, or do you know anyone in a relationship with a man who has Aspergers Syndrome?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2011
Fri, 07-08-2011 - 5:47pm
iF YOU STAY , YOU WONT BE STRONG ENOUGH TO DEAL WITH ANYTHING. run for your life now ...TRUST ME TIME IS TICKING AWAY . HE IS NOT CAPABLE OF LOVING ANYONE BUT HIMSELF . YOU DONT NED ANY MORE ADVICE THAN HAT GET OUT NOW WHILE YOU CAN. GO. PLEASE ...sorry i didn't realize i had caps on ..NOW I DO KNOW ..AND RUN FOR YOUR LIFE PLEASE
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2011
Fri, 07-08-2011 - 5:57pm
read what i have said to all the other women . it also applie to you . it also aplies to me . let me tell you something you must not have read the first poster who is educated in this and gave us a detaliled descrition of thise disease. he is NOT CAPABLE OF LOVING ANYONE BUT HIMSELF. period! read your own letter, do YOU REALLY NEED ADVICE?? if so GET OUT NOW , GRAB YOUR BABY AND RUN. Please ..please do this for you and your child. your not going to get better and your childs life will be miserable , and it will be all your fault because youve made it public , you know hes a horrible person you already know hes not going to love your baby ...get out now ...or you will be killing your childs soul.
Avatar for cmkarla
Administrator
Registered: 01-03-2001
Fri, 07-08-2011 - 6:07pm

Karla
Community ModeratoriVillage.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-09-2011
Sat, 07-09-2011 - 10:56am
Hi there.
I too have just joined this site, and what a relief it was to find it. You sound EXACTLY like I do, Im at my wits end. I have only been married 2 years, have known him 4 years and it has taken me this time to work out what is wrong. He is in denial that he has anything wrong, has even called me the odd ball. Fortunately we do not have kids together, but I am feeling desperate to get out and am gaining weight too. I did start a walking regimen which helps me mentally. But I am so tired of cycling, should I leave , should I stay . At least a separation period is needed for me to decide. I did leave in Feb for about 2 weeks, he wrote me copious emails saying how much he realizes that I need more love and affection etc, and he is willing to make a change. He did make a very concious effort, but like Ive said to others and myself, he hears it, listens to suggestions from me, maybe even understands, but he cannot apply it on a consistent basis. So we go back to the lack of empathy, sympathy and connection that a normal couple would have. It is beyond frustrating and extremely depressing. In my past I have taken care of my first husband, who died of a heart condition at 43, my mother for 30 years, who was Bipolar and now I feel like Im doing it all over again with this man. Who has no clue how I feel and how desperate I am. I really thought at this point in my life, Im 50, that it would be a new beginning, it seems more like an ending to my dreams. I would like any input, anyone who might have dealt with this, how to actually tell the man with Aspergers that you want to separate again. He is trying, but its just not something he can do, he might want to, but is just not able to.
Thank God for this forum, I can express myself at last. God bless all
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-2011
Sun, 07-10-2011 - 5:18pm
Have just found this forum; haven't read it all yet, but sounds like I'm in the same boat as many of you. :-(
Avatar for cmkarla
Administrator
Registered: 01-03-2001
Tue, 07-12-2011 - 3:46pm

Karla
Community ModeratoriVillage.com

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Administrator
Registered: 01-03-2001
Tue, 07-12-2011 - 3:50pm

Karla
Community ModeratoriVillage.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-12-2011
Tue, 07-12-2011 - 5:20pm
Pamela Jean 65,
I so understand and know what your going/went through. I am so sorry. I dont have any magic advice. sorry about that also.
But it sounds as if you are sescribing my husband . 3 decades I have tryed everything i could think of. with no improvement. But the very second it dawned on me that he was indeed an aspie, I too felt that wieght lift. And it is strange, ive been trying to make him understand ...omg i tryed so hard , and now to know it was all a waste is sad. I have/had so much to give, and I wanted to give it, to make him the happyest husband in the world. To discover he doesnt value what i have inside and doesnt even understand it. I feel I so foolishly wasted my life . Well , I did . please anyone reading this dont let it happen to you. don't waste your whole life for no reason.
thank you all..and pamela please have a great rest of your life.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2011
Sat, 07-16-2011 - 2:53pm

I want to say how greatful i am to ivillage and all of you who have contributed and helped me realize my husband has aspergers. I am torn still, it doesnt make anything better EXCEPT i always thought i would die never knowing why? how could he? why did he marry me? why wont he let me go ?

I think the biggest why was if he was so unloving , so abusive, could drop me at the sight of a new woman why why why did he marry me.

I now know he is an aspie, and in his case , im sure he could not answer those questions himself . In his case i feel he truly doesnt care about anyone but himself and only for others in the way they interfer with his desires. he couldnt care less what i do or feel or anyone , unless it helps or hurts him.

And it does help to know why. It is hard to believe but ive thought it a million times , he is not capable of caring for anyone but himself, he truly is unable to have feelings for anyone but himself. I still feel if he can care so much and do so much to help himself and to get any and everything he wants, he should even if not feel , at least know about others feelings but he simply just doesnt care . and he {thank you for telling this} never will..there is no cure to the man i married , im sad to find out now, instead of sooner but at least now i will not have to go to my grave with all my whys, he has done all the horrible things he has because he is defective, he couldnot care less even if he wanted to. and i think maybe a time or two he has wanted . but hes known something is wrong he knows how to behave ACT in public. although not once in our whole lives together have i heard the words , hello id like you to meet my wife......... he is not capable of that??is so hard to believe ..it has made him a monster to me, part time maybe .no ..most all the time ...but i am glad to know why. I wish knowing this helped in other ways , well i guess knowing he will never get better is some help. takes all hope away.lol.. so be it , no i will find a way to , come together over this , one shouldnt live on hope alone anyway i should have left a lifetime ago..im sorry for harsh words ive given to anyone ....ive been bad that way. please forgive me...thank you

awifeof

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2002
Wed, 07-20-2011 - 6:07pm

Speaking as a woman with AS, married to a man with AS, I find that article completely repugnant.

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