Feel so small
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|Thu, 11-20-2008 - 2:13pm|
I feel so low at work. I have worked here for 3 years, and my background is all English: writing, editing and so on. So, that is what I do at my work. The team I work on is comprised of members who have a math, science or business background. Since it's an Internet company, things always shift, I've moved around a bit, and am now on this team going forward. My issue is really with my self esteem. In that I have none. I'm not sure why, I feel I'm smart, a good person, attractive and funny, yet this doesn't translate into social situations like meetings. I get so nervous that I feel my heart pounding, and I clam up. I get speech paralysis, where instead of focusing on choosing the best answer for my boss I quickly blurt out something so that the attention can be turned elsewhere.
I am so upset about a meeting yesterday. The short version: my boss was explaining a new idea he had, and how it related to this social theory. I had read the theory, it has a math equation but is quite simple. My boss said to me in the meeting "You are probably thinking what the heck?" because he was getting into this theory. As in, I probably didn't grasp it or something? Of course, I quickly blurt out something about how I read the theory, but I have to do more reading, and yes I really don't have a scientific brain. What? It's like I'm agreeing, yes I'm stupid. The worst part is that he then went onto explain this theory, looking at me, and all I could do is just nod and stare at him, trying not to cry. I was so angry with myself afterwards, I obsessed about it the whole night. I realize that something like "I actually understand the theory" or "Why would you think I didn't understand it?" would have been ideal answers, but my mind honestly goes blank in the situation. This morning I talked to a woman I work with, on a different team, we have worked together for a long time, and she said something like "Oh, I know...he does that, he makes a judgment of someone and then that's his perception of them. Try not to worry about it." Then she said "Did you say anything?" and I know that she is really strong, and would not have put up with it. So then I had to explain to her no, basically I let him make a fool of me because I'm too scared or put on the spot to say anything.
Not my best day. I feel like garbage. I feel like my boss, and now my team thinks I'm stupid, and also that I don't stand up for myself. I am going to my dr. today, I think I need to be on some anxiety meds again, maybe that will help? I'm just sick of feeling so un-confident, and like I don't know my worth or something.