Feeling "Less-than" after long breakup

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2007
Feeling "Less-than" after long breakup
Wed, 12-10-2008 - 3:16pm

Hi there -

I'm posting here cause I realize I tend to feel less of myself after a failed relationship. I have to know there's nothing wrong with me, that it's my ex-bf's choice to not want me to not appreciate who I am and not want to be with me. That there's nothing wrong with me. But it's so hard to be confident when all I can do is compare myself to others.

My ex bf says he still loves me as when we were together but he just can't take the responsibility of being in a relationship - plus he claims to know that if he is with me then it means forever, and he's not ready for that type of commitment.

I am a strong person, at times.. I just came back from traveling for a few months, on my own. I needed to do that to boost my self-confidence.. but it seems that I'm slowly losing that again.

How can I stop myself from thinking: my ex just wants to be with other girls, he just wants to see what is better out there, other girls get to hang out with him and I can't.... If you ever met this guy you would think he was the nicest guy ever. And he is. Thats what makes this difficult. He isnt a jerk in any way.

Well anyway.. I don't know how I can stop comparing myself to the girls that he may be hanging out with. I know I make up stories and assumptions in my head, and I probably feed myself with harmful statements, like trying to see what the other girl has that I don't. I'm trying not to focus on him so much, and focus soley on me. But it's so hard, because I miss him and I know he still cares for me and loves me but doesnt want to promise me anything in fear that he can't deliver. I just feel that there's more, that there's something wrong with me, that I'm not good enough. I have always felt not good enough. Growing up, and in my previous relationships, and even in this past one, but I know I kinda made it up in my head in this past one - that I always found examples of ways I wasnt good enough...

AH. I need some help to get my head out of this mess! People around me know me as a positive, outgoing, outspoken, friendly, social person. But inside I feel insecure, and not good enough. I always find myself competing with other girls, and I dont want to be comparing myself! I want to be happy with myself and not feel any animosity

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2008
Thu, 12-11-2008 - 8:55am


I can understand your pain.

Make list of every event in your life where you felt you were not good enough. These memories are making you attract more situations where you feel you are not good enough.

I do not know if you are familiar with Law of Attraction, which basically is "You attract what you focus on". It is important to heal past patterns to break free from them. Why is this repeating? May be this is a call to heal yourself. Take time to heal the past memories.

Try to slowly distance yourself from this person.

Remember if you keep doing the same things you have been doing, the same negative things also keep happening. If you want something new and positive you have to take action.

I am sure you have the strength and get through this and attract someone wonderful who is happy to commit to you.


Susitha P. Inner Heaven Transforming Life with EFT & Law of Attraction http://www.innerheaven.net
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2008
Thu, 12-11-2008 - 9:46am

Welcome to the board.

I'm sorry that you are having a hard time. Old relationships can really bother us sometimes, aye? But you did go traveling which sounds like it was a great idea even if it seems hard now as well.

~ Rain   
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2008
Sun, 12-14-2008 - 3:27pm
If he says he's not ready for a commitment, you need to listen to that.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2007
Tue, 12-16-2008 - 11:38am

You all are SO RIGHT

Rain - It's so hard to think that I am no more or less than anyone else. I guess maybe it's because I felt I was always compared to other people while I was growing up - mainly by my parents. I was compared to my sister, and then compared to my peers, or compared to the straight A student, or the best swimmer, or my parents friend's children who were going to Harvard and Yale, and becoming doctors, etc. (I come from an Indian family so they have high standards already). Emphasis was also played on my looks, because I was pretty and my parents put a lot of weight onto the need of being pretty and staying that way. AH. If only I could no be affected by how I was raised. So now I feel that I'm not good enough unless I win, or I'm better looking than another girl. :-(

Susitha - you're right that I have to separate myself from that which triggers those feelings of not feeling good enough, and learn how to get better on my own.

And Belinda - You're right. He isn't ready- not with me or anyone - and I think I've tried not to listen to that. But now I know I have to. And I'm not ready to share him with other girls. And I've waiting long enough. It's time to move on. But it's so hard. I hope I can improve my self esteem in this time.

Thank you all so much for your input. It's been very helpful!!!


iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2008
Tue, 12-16-2008 - 5:31pm
It sounds like you are feeling better - and I'm glad. Anything special you've been up to that helped?
~ Rain
~ Rain   
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2007
Wed, 12-17-2008 - 9:46am

Hey -

Umm I guess I'm getting support from my sister, and my friends, and just trying to look at things day by day... I definitely still do feel insecure about things... but I realize that I do that when I actually have to sit down and think about these things..Like When I'm driving to work, I have all that alone time to obsess. I guess I have to keep distracting myself, because when I don't obsess and do distract myself, I'm in my own element and I tend to think less of how I compare to others. It's all in my mind.

I'm also making decisions on what I will be doing in the New Year - what classes and activities I want to participate in.

All this is helping me but I still do have my sad, insecure, un-confident moments.. I hope to start therapy soon as well so I can take an active role in really challenging those negative thoughts and getting back to being happy with just me.. I guess I'm holding on to hope that I will get better and that's what makes me happy.

Thanks Rain. :-)

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-17-2008
Thu, 12-18-2008 - 1:52am

Hello there,

I read your post and just HAD to reply. I experienced this exact same problem a couple
years ago. My situation was a bit different as you have a nice guy, well, I had a
not-so-nice guy, so be thankful this guy is being honest and nice!!!

It's very normal for most happy, outgoing, "strong" people to feel the anxieties you
feel. I know I'm strong and I know I am outgoing, but after this guy came and left my
life, I felt paranoid and very anxious. I pondered over and over about things that
were wrong with me and things that I should change because I wanted him to like me
again. I found I obsessed over it way too much for my own good. It drove me nuts. Have
you ever heard of the book, "He's Just Not That Into You"? I read this book after the
split and I reccomend it to every friend that goes through Splitsville. It had many
things in the book that opened my eyes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2008
Fri, 12-19-2008 - 7:21am

Welcome to the board.

Thank you for sharing your story specially since someone of us (mainly me), don't have alot of experience in this area so it's harder for us (me) to relate completely. I find it really great things worked out for you - and you know what? I like to think things work out as well. Although sometimes they seem to not always work out in a way we had originally planed or hoped for, they still work out.

~ Rain
~ Rain