best friend has severe insecurity issues

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2003
best friend has severe insecurity issues
7
Mon, 03-16-2009 - 11:39pm

my best friend is in a relationship with a guy who doesnt treat her well.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2008
Tue, 03-17-2009 - 11:12am

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2008
Tue, 03-17-2009 - 11:19am

In my mind, you cannot fix someone who doesn't want to be fixed. Unless that person wants to accept help and wants to change, you can do nothing. Plus even if they do, sometimes they don't want help to do it. You have to respect their wishes and their choices, even if they are digging their own grave. You have already said that you do not agree with this situation and do not see it ending well, and she has choosen to see it a different way. You cannot force her to go with what you say, plus that would be greatly disrespecting her for she has her own mind and her own independance. If you really want to do something than support the good things she has, caution the bad, be there for her without judging, and if she does hit the ground again, help her up while stating a few words that maybe trying something different might help her.


Also sometimes, in talking about yourself, and your own faults and how you want to change - people are more open to seeing faults in their situations. For example, "I sometimes make friends just so I can have that support, I think that maye I should try to be more secure on my own, and make friends because I truly am attracted to that person and want to be a companion where I help them, and they help me like complments, vs them just being there, and me having friends."


In truth, you cannot fix another person's problems. You can only assist them and be supportive. Even if they were open to others fixing their problems it is a bad idea because it will create a dependence that could cause problems later on, people need to be responsible for themselves, and they need to know how to care for themselves because there is no garentee that any other person will be around at any given time while usually problems do and will arise, time and time again.


(For the record, I help alot of my friends with many different types of problems, but I help them to be responsible for themselves, because I have learned the hard way if I fix it, they will just come back to me when it happens again, or they don't know what to do and then we are back to page one...

~ Rain   
       
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2003
Tue, 03-17-2009 - 12:10pm

Thanks for the responses.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2008
Tue, 03-17-2009 - 1:30pm

You can respect her decsion even though you disagree, and you can support her other decsions that she has made and will make that you do agree with. Who we marry, who we date, and who we hang out with do not make us entirely, even though they do reflect on us. Even still, with all the people I have in my life, my life does not revolve around them entirely. I'm sure she does not consist of him 100%.


Plus you said this is a trend, thus throughout her friendship there must have been several others you did not like as well... you might dislike this guy more, but does he really make your friend?


Then again, there is a chance that you are starting to see your friend in a new light, and starting to see characteristics you previously ignored which are now making the friendship less compatible. If this is true, I would take a close look at the relationship and the people involved with this new view point.

~ Rain
~ Rain   
       
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2007
Tue, 03-17-2009 - 1:46pm

Hello newyrsbabi.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2006
Wed, 03-18-2009 - 7:22pm
Hello,
And nice to meet you! I am SweetBeauty; and I am friendless! I hope that despite your friend's poor choices, which everyone makes, if I were you, I would stand by her side.
To preserve your friendship, try and think of neutral grounds of enjoyment. For example, a party, what about the movies?, or how about getting the nails done?
If there's a time she wishes to converse about her pridacament, say gentlely that you wish to change the subject. To often, women allow men to come between their friendships and what happens when they are gone?
She's a good friend, she just doesn't love herself enough. Stay friends with her. Who knows, some-day she'll love herself and perhaps you will be standing at her wedding filled with joy.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2004
Sat, 03-21-2009 - 9:02am

I read this thread and I think that what is important is that what you are seeing is really an external reflection of her relationship with her self. Its her relationship with herself that needs attention. When that is repaired the other stuff will fall into line.

If we relate to ourselves in a negative and non respect based fashion we will seek that same pattern in our external relationships as well.

If we don't value ourselves we will be drawn to relationships with others who reflect that pattern of behavior.

The key and it's not easy, because its something she has to come to herself, is to help her to understand how she relates to herself. If she can see that see is not respectful and loving of herself she can change that. If she changes that she will start to expect the same for her external relationships.

The things you can do are: demonstrate a respectful compassion in your relationship with her so she can have frame of reference to compare her other relationships against. When you,ve never known any different you stay with what you know. Secondly try to engage her in thinking about how she relates to herself.