New

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2004
New
5
Sat, 03-21-2009 - 10:03am

Hey all. I am new here and just wanted to say I have read some of your replies and realized that there are some very wise people here. I am sad to say that I am 56 year old woman that just realized that all the bad stuff that has happened to me in my life is due to my very poor self esteem. I was always looking at what was wrong with everyone else instead of spending the time looking at myself and working on my issues. I am just beginning to look at myself in a more real light and find that there is more work to do. I admire the honesty on this board and look forward to learning more about self esteem from a womans point of view. Want to so badly like myself better rather than getting my sense of self from other people(mostly men). Looking forward to making new friends and learning from everyone.


Pat
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2004
In reply to: redreiner
Sat, 03-21-2009 - 12:35pm


You know its not even gender thing....I believe its really about how you relate to yourself.

Fortunately unlike external relationships our relationship with ourselves is something you have the power to change....I say that having been on that journey myself....

The further I go down my own journey the more I realize self esteem is largely tied up in how we relate to ourselves. Do we have respect based relationship with ourselves or do we have shame based relationship with ourselves.

I also think we tend to seek out other people who will reinforce our existing relationship with ourselves. If we treat ourselves badly I think we will tend to seek out bonds with others who also teat us badly, because it is in way a self affirming kind of act (albeit a dysfunctional one).

When we start to have a respect based relationship with ourselves we're less likely to tolerate external relationships that don't reinforce and support that way of being.

I honestly hope this is helpful, and I'd love to know if you find it helpful.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2007
In reply to: redreiner
Sat, 03-21-2009 - 10:37pm

Welcome to the board redreiner. It's good to read from another new member. I'm glad to read that you have already gotten acquainted with the unique styles of various members. As you have probably already seen, each person has their own way of writing and working on their personal concerns. Some members are "in your face" kind of responses, and others are more "laid back". You will get many questions; but only share what you feel comfortable and safe sharing. The members here are not on this board as professionals in therapy. If they are professionals, I assume they would have their own sites or offices. The weekends are especially slow, so don't be offended if you do not get quick replies. Let's see, I guess that's about all for the disclaimer...lol? Enjoy the board.

What you have described as "always looking at what was wrong with everyone else", is a common symptom of an individual with low self-esteem. I think one of the biggest misconceptions people have, is confusing self-esteem with self-confidence. Self-confidence is not always a good gauge of a healthy self-esteem. I would also like for you to consider any physical or mental health concerns that might be influencing how you feel about yourself right now. So often, we can be influenced by our biology and it's effects on our perceptions of ourselves. Anyway, just some thoughts to consider. So, it would seem that you are motivated and well on your way to rebuilding a healthy self-esteem.

As diagonally already noted, there are a few (5, I think) men that visit on the board as well as women. One good way to get started is to fill out the member profile and let others get an idea of what's important to you. Of course, don't get too specific. Share only what you want. Members used to fill them out all the time, but many do not anymore. Again, welcome and enjoy the board. Hope to read more from you.

~n2

Click & Join the Challenge
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2004
In reply to: redreiner
Sun, 03-22-2009 - 10:53am

Yes. I believe what you are saying is true. I am trying to get a broader perspective on this self esteem thing. I come from very reserved family environment. I did not have the opportunity to know my father. He is a good man that worked all the time to support his family. While we had all the comforts that went with his hard work we did without any guidance from him. So I feel that I have some misconceptions about men/women things. I used to believe that men did not have emotions as I never saw my father show any. Kinda funny when I look back. So I have learned that is not true. I also believe what you say about your relationship with yourself. I had not thought about it in those terms. I know that I will make a full course meal for my husband any time he requests something but will not take the time to make myself a healthy meal to try to control my health and my weight. It is something that I have noticed lately and feel it is a bigger problem than I have let myself look at and covers more areas in my life than I am aware.

Pat
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2004
In reply to: redreiner
Sun, 03-22-2009 - 8:15pm

The emotion point you mention is very interesting point. It is issue for many men because so many of use have been socialized to ignore or just suppress our emotions. Men who were raised in this way often have trouble acknowledging or processing emotions when they do arise. It creates a dysfunctional way of being. It's not that these guys don't feel or have emotions they just were never given permission to feel them and as result when they arise they are often not well equipped to deal with them in a healthy functional way.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2008
In reply to: redreiner
Mon, 03-23-2009 - 10:05pm

Welcome to the board Pat!

You are never to old to learn something new, and I think it's great that you are changing your out look. I always thing a new perspective can bring new ideas. I hope you stick around and join in some of our other threads, you never know how you might help someone, or what you might learn. :-)

~ Rain
~ Rain