I'm pathetic, but still need help....

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2005
I'm pathetic, but still need help....
Thu, 03-26-2009 - 6:27pm

Last Monday the guy I had been seeing for two months dumped me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2007
Thu, 03-26-2009 - 10:10pm

I'm so sorry that you are brokenhearted. You can be as "pathetic" as you need to be right now on this board. But do yourself a favor and set yourself a time limit on how long YOU will allow yourself the pity.

I have to say, at least he told you the truth. If one person doesn't feel the chemistry in the relationship, then no matter how much chemistry the other one feels....it's not going to work. It sounds more like to me, that he was telling you that you are wonderful, and that he too does not understand why you both did not "fit". In telling you the truth, he is showing you respect. There is nothing in what you have written that should make you feel bad about yourself. I am not saying that you have no reason to feel sad. Of course you are going to feel sad, because in your perception, you feel as though you have lost something (someone). But by your experience with him, you have also learned that you ARE worthy, whether with someone else or not. From what you have written it seems as though you both had excellent communication. He was just confused by his feelings. When you really stop and think about it....for him to not understand why you both didn't click and to be confused and upset by it....is quite a compliment to you. He is in a sense saying, "this doesn't make sense to me that I am not feeling what I should be feeling here. She's wonderful, I should be head over heels in love with this woman. Why am I not?" It's very complimentary. He can't control his chemistry, even though his opinion says otherwise. Fortunately, we don't really get to control who we fall in love with. Can you imagine if we did? Only a relatively few people on earth would be loved and the rest of us would be directing our love towards them. Not a good thing.

You bet it hurts, sucks, etc. But no one else is in control of your happiness. That's your job. Take your power back and start becoming the person you admire. I agree with your friend that you do have to love yourself, before you can love someone else. This next month may be pre-determined as your chance to do that. Some of the best movies I have seen, I have gone to by myself, sat there totally engulfed in the film, sipping on my soda and eating my popcorn, crying when I wanted, laughing out loud when I felt like it. Same as for shopping. Talk to other shoppers or the sales people. Be who you want to be. You have a full month to focus on YOU.

I am going to include the ivillage addy for the love and relationship messageboards here. But please don't let anyone drag you into an unhealthy place by focusing too much on what has already happened and what you can do nothing about. Okay? So, be selective. And PLEASE come back and keep posting here too.


dragonfly siggy

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2008
Fri, 03-27-2009 - 8:13am

Sorry to hear about the break up. Those things are hard on one person in the relationship if not both. I would have you ask yourself do you really want to be in a relationship where the other person doesn't like you as much as you like them, where they really don't actually love you in that way. To me, there are many different types of love, there's the love we have for family, for friends, for those close to our heart, and then there is the love that we share with a person that we would like to always be with, or around, or at least attached to in some form while we grow old. That last love is alot harder to find because it's ONE person out of many, and their feelings matter just as much as ours to make it work, all the other relationships can still be pulled off even if the feeling isn't mutual.

It's probably too close to the breakup time to not feel bad about it. You really liked him, and when someone we really like does not feel the same about us, it hurts - because we are hopeful, we did hope... Dating is a tricky thing that way. We think we are great together while we are just getting to know each other, but personality is over half, sometimes 80% of what attracts us, and that is alot harder to get to know. Also, even if there isn't an attraction doesn't mean he doesn't care. It's just that some where in his wiring or genes, he's looking for something that he can't seem to find. It doesn't mean you are bad at all, it just means you are different. Maybe his tastes will change, as they often do with time, but do you really want to sit around being sad up till that point?

Do something good for yourself, and be there for yourself. That is just as important if not more than doing it for other people. Also I do agree with your friend that it is important to like and support yourself, not because you need it to be in a relationship with other people, but because there is no gareentee that those relationships or people will always be around. Life is crazy, people go places, they die, they change their ideas, they decide they want to vanish off the face of the earth... it all just happens, sometimes without any logic at all. What we do know, is from birth to death, we have to be with ourselves. That's a long time. And if we don't have a good view of ourselves or we don't like our selves, that's a long time in a bad relationship - if you want to think about it that way. lol

But don't feel bad for being sad, we all do after bad break ups, specially if we liked the other person and they didn't like us. It's like we are being rejected for who we are, but something we valued greatly... maybe even greater than ourselves. But I would look a head and think on what you could be doing, or what you want to do. For we always have tomorrow, and we always have ourselves... and even with those two things alone there's always a chance. :-)

Keep your chin up, don't let this get you down more than you deserve - because you deserve to smile too.

~ Rain
~ Rain