Starting Clean & Unbroken

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2007
Starting Clean & Unbroken
8
Mon, 03-30-2009 - 10:23am

Ever wonder why feng shui is so popular?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2007
Mon, 03-30-2009 - 10:43am

Over two years ago, we lost everything.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-20-2007
Mon, 03-30-2009 - 3:11pm
I've been married twice. I was married to my first husband for 10 years (we were together for 12 years). I saw the red flags when we met, but I ignored them. I was not popular with men and even at 25 when I met my husband, I had never been on a date. So when he paid attention to me and wanted to be with me, I jumped at the chance and threw caution to the wind. I've always been impulsive and I paid dearly for that.

I knew that my husband had used drugs and alcohol in the past, but he was clean and sober when we met. Three years into the marriage he returned to using drugs and alcohol. He was never home and could not/would not hold down a job. I was unskilled and the only jobs I could get were part-time at minimum wage, back when minimum wage was $4.35 an hour. We had the power and the water cut off many times. I had to walk a couple of miles to and from the Salvation Army every day for my one meal a day. When my husband was at home he was emotionally, verbally and physically abusive toward me. He was an atheist who knew that I was a Pagan, but he browbeat me so badly about my religion that in order to keep the peace I took down my altar and packed away my books on Paganism and witchcraft. I was so focused on trying to keep my marriage together that I lost myself entirely. I was on autopilot and no longer knew who I was. I gave up all my hobbies and interests. I have lost huge gaps of time and can't remember the first half of the 1990s. I can remember bits and pieces of incidents, but I can't remember what year they happened nor in what sequence they happened.

One of my low points was over Easter (can't remember the year) when my husband was gone from Good Friday through that Monday. All I did was sit on my bed and cry. I had abandoned my God/desses and myself. I decided over that weekend to commit suicide. I had abandoned my God/desses, but They had not abandoned me. With Their help, I lived through my suicide attempt. I continued to struggle after that for a few more years, but each day I got stronger and slowly began to gain control of my life and myself. By the time it was all over I almost died again, this time by the hand of my husband. In the last year of my marriage I had gone back to college at the age of 35 and that really helped to bring me back to myself.

When I left my marriage I wanted nothing at all to do with men. I was going to the University of TN in Knoxville and was surrounded by thousands of men every day, but I saw them only as my fellow students, my professors, my co-workers and my bosses, not as potential mates. Then after I'd been divorced for two years a friend introduced me to the Internet and I began to surf the various chat rooms. I wasn't looking for a BF, just other people to talk to. That's when I met DH. We chatted for a year online, sent e-mail and snail mail and talked on the phone. We met IRL a year later and were married 10 months after that. He is everything my ex-husband was not. My ex never once told me that I was beautiful or sexy. DH tells me every single day. My ex wouldn't say "I love you" unless I said it to him first. DH tells me all the time that he loves me. My ex was not affectionate either in private or in public. DH and I are always holding hands, kissing, have our arms wrapped around one another, etc. My ex never called me by anything other than my given name; no "honey" or "sweetie" or "baby," etc. DH has tons of nicknames for me. My ex never wanted to do anything with me, yet he always wanted to control me. DH and I do a lot of stuff together, but we also give each other space. We are often in the same room together, though not always doing the same thing. For example, he'll be on his computer and I'll be doing my beading. DH prefers to be at home while my ex never wanted to be home. My ex hated the fact that I wanted to improve myself by going back to college (he was actually working at that time and I was using his money for school. He quit his job about three months into my first semester to prevent that. I simply took out student loans). DH has encouraged me all the way and he's the one who suggested that I take that course I'm about to start in a couple of weeks. DH has always been in my corner, has always supported me, has always been there for me. I trust him with everything that I am. He's my best friend and my soul mate. When I went to get my tattoo on Friday the tattooist was teasing us for acting like lovebirds and she could not believe that we'd been together for 10 years and married for 8. She thought that we were newlyweds.

I still have not completely let go of the past. I still suffer from PTSD and nightmares from my marriage. I still wake up in the middle of the night to make sure that it's DH beside me and not my ex. But I am getting better. I've changed a lot, grown a lot and healed a lot since I met DH. I'm not the same person I was when I left my first marriage. I don't like the idea that I went through all that I did in my first marriage, but if I had not gone through it, then I would have never met DH. And I am very grateful for that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2007
Mon, 03-30-2009 - 9:30pm

"I'm not the same person I was when I left my first marriage. I don't like the idea that I went through all that I did in my first marriage, but if I had not gone through it, then I would have never met DH. And I am very grateful for that."


You would also not be the person that you are today, and will be tomorrow.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2008
Tue, 03-31-2009 - 1:57pm

I am happy for the people around me.

~ Rain   
       
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2007
Tue, 03-31-2009 - 2:38pm

Thank you for sharing your story.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2006
Wed, 04-01-2009 - 7:24am
hi,
I like this one! My post isn't to be superficial and vane, but it's to be honest.
This morning in fact, I was re-thinking about many of God's blessings and how, I accidentally took a lot of them for granted.
My blessings were taken for granted for the silliest of reasons, but it's the truth-I wanted others (non-relatives) to know and understand that I loved them, that I didn't think I was better then any of them!
Today, I have lost some of my natural blessings. I am now having to begin to love myself again.
The lesson, to never diminish yourself, especially when you've always been modest.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2008
Wed, 04-01-2009 - 8:34am
Well my brother did great with moving, but he instantly found friends through neighbor boys, and with their help he connected in the school. I however for some reason did not match up with people, thus ended up without a community of peers for a long time as a child. At times it didn't bother me, and other times it did. My parents tried their best to find ways that I could connect with peers - but that's a hard thing to do because a parent cannot truly control the child nor the peers around them.
~ Rain
~ Rain   
       
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2007
Wed, 04-01-2009 - 11:23am

Once again we see the difference between the socialization of boys vs girls.