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|Fri, 04-03-2009 - 7:32pm|
I Have always been TOLD that I suffer low self esteem and that I believe it true.
But, I do truly know about challenges in life that make us feel lower than others.
I grew up Fatte than my sister and brother and cousins. I wore glasses that were cheap and not in style. Being very poor I wore clothing that dear grandma made for me. To big and not right. Hee hee according to me. I was frequently told that I was fat and probably not find a boyfriend. I couldn't understand most mathematics, and science. I loved art though. and I loved geography and travel. I had no dates in high school nor did I attend my prom.
I worked as a nurses aid after high school. We lived in a tiny town where everyone knew each other. It soon became apparent to me that this was going to be my life. Or I would marry someone that I didn't like just to be married. And I was scared of men then.
I saved money for 1.5 years and planned my move to California. San Francisco to be exact.
Here there would be jobs and young people and people who didn't know how I grew up.
Well I found out my personality went with me every where. Even out here. The me in Portsmouth is still me in San Francisco. And jobs were hard to get. There was a law ( in San Francisco) that you had to reside in SF for 6 months to get a job. So I had to work "under the table so to speak". And rent, Gosh !! Nothing like my tiny town's lower prices.
But mainly this was just the beginning of - hell! Family problems, and rape for my sister, drugs on the horizon for my brother. DD & DM faced bankruptcy. And I was way out here and not financially capable of helping, nor visiting them. I cried and cried. No one to be with and no one to go some place with no one to spend a holiday with. Fat , ugly, depressed and later I found out had that I had inherited a mild form of bi polar disease. The world hated me.
One day a lovely young woman from Thailand asked me for direction to go to a meeting that she wanted to attend. I went with her instead. Gosh it was great. I belong with these people. I felt proud of me. We communicated daily and she helped me eventually find a apartment. Meanwhile I lived with a group of women - compliments of group that help women.
and then they sent me to a job site. I met another friend S. This wonderful young woman was having a equally hard time, but hers was because she was new to this country. We both got our job at this store. And because of these 2 young women. ( I was only 20) I have many, many friends. Eventually I met my husband. We have been married since 1974.
I still suffer from My self esteem issues. But, I have learned that just about everyone has some things about themselves that they don't like and some things that they don't feel they can do right. Or that people may be laughing at them. Even my DH was very poor and Asian American, born and raised here. But, he lived in a alley room with his grandma. He worked jobs from the time he was 8 delivering Chinese newspapers and washing dishes in restaraunts. He brought to me A work ethic, and the pride ethic. He couldn't get dates because his compatriots had more money than he did. He had a bicycle and enough money to buy one "Chowmein" between the two of them . But he kept his pride and ended with a life time job. We still have our friends. And I am so proud of them and me. No I am not really pretty, nor can I do the things that I wanted to do. I am still on that &*^% Diet. My home is not decorated the way I want. But I will make it to my goals that are important one day. I am over 60 and I have lived a wonderful life and I do not blame my parents for any of my life misgivings. I was a marter for a long time . But, no more.
I know that I have talked to much. But, I want each of you to feel some pride for your self. And to know that life is a play and you are writing it. We must not let others make us a Marter. No one is unimportant.
. Have a wonderful day from our family to yours. Sunnyafternoons
Edited 4/3/2009 7:35 pm ET by sunnyafternoons