Thanks for reading.
Welcome to the board!
The last pharagraph makes me think you have the right outlook and the right mindset besides feeling how you are feeling. Life is rough and sadly there is always something to worry about or have trouble with - in fact, normally there's more than something, there are many things. Change as you probably know isn't instant, and can be very difficult if we are trying to do alot at once. I say pick one thing, one small thing and work on it. Whether it has to do with yourself or something around you, work with it to make it something you are proud of and something you can reflect back to when ever you have lost your place.
My "place" is non-existant, but I remind myself that I like trees. I love the outdoors, I love to think that I help make it possible for more trees to survive and grow, and I know trees are nearly anywhere, so no matter where I am I can find one. (hopefully). It may sound silly, but it is my way of grounding myself and finding a starting point.
I think it's important to consider that feelings follow thoughts - if you are having negative thoughts you will have negative feelings. If you think in a positive way that will have a positive affect on your feelings (not 100% but better than what you've got now).
You have seem to have a big disconnect between what you think your life should be and what it is. I think this is a major source of your difficulty because you can't reconcile the two. And it will keep being difficult because you've assigned yourself an impossible task that you are guaranteed to fail at and feel bad about, thus repeating the cycle of self sabotage.
Let's take your unwillingness for counseling as one example. Because of your education you think you are too educated for counseling. It makes sense on the surface but it's really a way to sabotage yourself. Do you really think you know everything a counselor would tell you? Did you know what any of us were going to say before you came here and asked? Something to think about. A counselor would have a new and different perspective, wouldn't they? A counselor would be a second party who could be more objective - and your education would help a great deal making the insight from the counselor even that much more useful so you could actually put your knowledge to work in your own life. Why ask a group of non-counselors on the internet rather than a trained, experienced peer (or why not both)? I wonder if there is something you are afraid of more than your surface explanation. Maybe you are afraid that a counselor would agree that you are wrong to not live up to your perceived potential (your ideal self), and that the counselor will buy into the life you "should" be living rather than the one you *are* living. Like you know you will be accepted here but not there. Why not? Could that be part of it? Btw, that would be one short-sighted and ineffective counselor if they said things you already knew and thought badly of you for coming to therapy.
I wonder why you are afraid to embrace the idea that your life is good as is given your current curcumstances and it sounds not so bad. You have two great kids and are doing something positive and healthy by leaving a relationship that isn't working for you. You have a solid education and are fully capable of working and supporting your children - students in the past have had great things to say about your teaching it's just a matter of getting out there and looking for the right job. In the meantime you are earning some money and doing your best to be a good person and a good mom. That's an awful lot of goodness to focus on and for now I think it should be plenty good enough with room for improvement rather than mostly bad. The question is why you are so reticent to accept this positive and very real self?