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|Sun, 04-26-2009 - 8:57am|
Hi everyone, I just wanted to introduce myself. I feel like my self esteem issues are truly getting in my way of leading a healthy life so perhaps just having a place to vent and think things out would be helpful.
I'm 21 years old and I just started back in college after taking 3 years off. My ultimate goal is to earn my Psychology degree (how ironic!). It's something I'm sincerely interested in but I'm starting to feel like I'm doing this so I have an excuse to deflect my personal issues.
I feel absolutely awful about myself. I'm pretty good at hiding it, I tend to walk with my chin up and shoulders back and laugh easily in the company of others. Despite this, the honest truth is that I'm really hurting on the inside. I walk into the library and I have these paranoid thoughts that people are staring at me and judging my clothing, my hair, my skin, etc. I get a book off the shelf, I get nervous that someone is sitting there laughing because it is indeed, a self-help book.
I'm ridiculously asocial. I do have friends and acquaintances, people do stop me on the street and ask me how I am, etc. The problem is that I'd much rather sit in my room and not worry about being judged than go out with my friends for a night on the town. AND I really hate that they know that this is what I'm doing. Being a loner works in my favor for discovering new things like cool museum exhibits and new books but other than that I feel like I'm missing out on a part of my life that I'll likely never get back.
The last thing is that, I'm terrible with romantic relationships. It sounds awful but, as long as I have sex every once in a while I feel like I just don't need a boyfriend because in the past, having close intimate relationships have cause me nothing but heartache and I feel like being satisfied with sex alone is a stupid defense mechanism.
I don't think I'm lonely or depressed (although I may be in denial). Who knows, maybe I'll need to find myself a therapist (how will this look--a future therapist going to therapy!?)
If you read this far, thanks...You deserve a cookie for enduring my stream of conscience. I look forward to posting!