Trying to Trust (and failing...)
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|Thu, 05-21-2009 - 7:49pm|
I will readily admit I have trust issues. They go waaaaay back and are not likely to change, but I'm trying to cope with them. But...the people in my life who want me to trust them are not proving to be trustworthy. But it's my problem, in their eyes.
My husband tours with Broadway shows. He has had several emotional affairs and possibly more, so trusting him is challenging. I can forgive, but he has proven that he is not truly trustworthy. Affairs are not unusual in our world, so he expects that it's okay even if I tell him otherwise. (No, it's not worth dumping him. We only see each other 2 or 3 times per year and I certainly don't need another man.)
My boss is hurt that I don't trust her, even after she gleefully tells that she has let people go, "with no hard feelings on her part" just because they didn't fit in after years of loyal service. No word on how hard the feeling were on their parts... She is also proud of her drive and ability to walk over anyone or anything in her way. I give this job 110%, but do I trust her? Heck, no! I also suspect she has lied about getting rid of a dog who was very abused when her husband rescued it 6 months ago. It wasn't very pretty and was very scared of people. It just didn't fit in her boisterous, fast-paced life. So I suspect she turned him in to the humane society. Hopefully, he has a good calm home now.
My dad dumped 50 years of records of his marriage to my mother after her death and his marriage to another woman. His new wife demanded that he remove all traces of any previous marriage. (She had been married 4 times prior to this, and kept a lot of stuff from those marriages.) So he threw out all of my baby pictures, all of our family trip photos, etc. Everything was thrown away. This all happened without his offering me the chance to save any of it. Now he wonders why I don't trust him or his new wife.
I hear "Why don't you trust me?" so much that I have begun to doubt my own reason. I am the caregiver for my father, his wife, 50+ hour per week employee for an ungrateful woman, and wife to a cheating roadie. I am the first person anyone calls if they need help, a community leader, and the first to give whatever is needed.
Is it me? Do I just not inspire loyalty and love? Is it just too easy to use me? Or maybe I'm just PMSing and needed to vent a little.