I'm so pathetic!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2005
I'm so pathetic!!
Sat, 05-23-2009 - 10:51pm

OK, I'm having some SERIOUS problems with myself and men and need some help.

I fell in love with this guy I work with (Jon) and we dated last summer for two months.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2008
Sun, 05-24-2009 - 8:56am

I don't know that you are co-dependent, that doesn't seem the right fit to me. You are doing a few self defeating things that make it harder to reach your goals, I think that's your primary issue. Tell me what you think of these suggestions and then we can see if there is more too it than this.

You are romanticizing the guy at work. He treated you terribly and you are jealous he's dating someone else. You assume he's treating her well. I don't think so. He is probably using her and will dump her too. Instead, try thinking he likes you too much to date you, because he is an absolute jerk to the people he dates. Also try thinking you are not doing yourself any favors by maintaining a friendship and talking with him about personal things. What you felt and liked when you first met him and from what you see on the outside is driving your feelings about him, rather than your actual experience of what he's really like.

You are jumping into the river with no life vest. When you go on the first few dates with someone you need to avoid three things - romanticizing what a future relationship might be like, assuming he's right for you and sleeping with him. Think of the initial dating phase as determining with the most objectivity you can muster whether this is a guy that uses girls and dumps them, or if this is a guy who will make a good partner in a relationship, treat you well and really click with your personality type and lifestyle.

I was 36 yo when I met my current husband and he's the only man I ever fell in love with *before* I slept with him. It took a lot of years, one failed marriage and several years of therapy to learn that lesson - but it worked and I'm so glad I *finally* figured it out. You don't have to go through all I did to learn this important lesson, just try it out. You have nothing to lose and a lot to gain by making this minor adjustment in how you approach potential boyfriends. You don't have to wait forever with a new love interest, just a month or two, maybe a little longer if you can stand it, to determine if a guy is right enough to try a relationship with him, then you can start romanticizing (if you do it this way, the romanticizing will be much more satisfying). This method makes the jerks stand out (before you get all googly eyed in love) and you avoid a lot of hurt feelings and put your energy into relationships that have real potential. All good things.

The third thing you might try is not telling yourself negative things about yourself. You are not slutty. You are a trusting girl looking for a satisfying relationship - you are just going about it in not the best way. Look to the future and see the possibilities rather than the bumps in the road behind you. That'll help a lot.

"If you don’t like something, change it; if you can’t change it, change the way you think about it." - Mary Engelbreit.

"The key to good decision making is not knowledge. It is understanding."
Malcolm Gladwell Blink

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2008
Mon, 05-25-2009 - 1:46pm