my self-esteem is in the ditch.
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|Sun, 05-31-2009 - 1:17am|
I didn't know where to write this down or get it off my chest, but I have such poor confidence. I fell ill the year after I got married, had to quit my job that I loved and couldn't work anymore. Therefore the couch sitting, tube watching gained me a load of weight, made me even more depressed, and my husband left me.
Since then I've finally divorced and moved back "home" after several years. I haven't dated, and am scared to death. I'll be going on a trip soon to meet someone in person that I've known for quite some time via the net and phone. Trust isn't an issue for my safety while there, I just don't know if I trust myself to carry confidence and keep it. And the icing on the cake is that I haven't had sex in too many years and may have the opportunity soon. This I'm really freaked about as I haven't been naked in front of another soul but my ex of 16yrs...whoa nellie!
I'm working on my health and getting off a lot of medications, but am in the process of trying to find a therapist of some type to help me with such issues. Anyone have any advice to be that heavier girl who has confidence and still feel open-minded and surrender to the flow? (I have begun losing weight, working out is terribly difficult due to chronic pain)
Wow, I can't believe I got that out. My illness already includes depression and anxiety, which I had before I became ill...now it's just to the point where I need to work on this part too. I've lived a completely solo lifestyle for the past several years even while married, so now integrating w/family and making new friends is sometimes overwhelming.
Thank you for letting me spill the beans...it sort of feels better just to have written it out.