Feeling a little stuck

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2008
Feeling a little stuck
7
Mon, 06-01-2009 - 12:27am

So I'm 23 years old and feel like I am on the path to the rest of my life, but not the right path, I should be out and about, but I have no life. I am a beautiful 18 month old little girl, that where this all started.


3 years ago I started dating this guy that I've known for a few years prior, I feel madly in love with him, he was my first love, I was told the chances of me becoming pregnant was 1 in 1,000,000. well he was determined to be the father of my child. So he suggested we try, and I went the whole 9 yards, Well that paid off and Our daughter was conceived. Throughout my pregnancy he was the most loving, nurturing man ever. I had probably the best pregnancy ever thought of. We moved into our house and stared our family. Well march of last year, this girl moved here. i befriended her and we clicked. Well it wasn't my friendship she was after, it was him. Well her hard work paid off, he started staying out until 5 or 6 overnight, which wasn't like him, he stopped wanted me to come to the bar with him, which is where he and I had worked before I quit, and then she started. I just knew there was something, but I stuck by his side because I knew he was young and being a new dad was difficult, yada yada, well on our anniversary he dumped me and moved into her apt. He told me it was a break yada yada. I told him, do what you need to do, get it out of

Lilypie 1st Birthday PicLilypie 1st Birthday Ticker
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2007
Mon, 06-01-2009 - 12:29pm

I just want to give you a big hug and tell you so many things.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2008
Tue, 06-02-2009 - 10:08am

Thank you so much. I know need to let go of that dream, I think I just hold on to it because, well its better then what I have now. I have a boyfriend that loves to play the guilt game and to make me feel like I am wrong... and it is so hard. I feel terrible because I offered him and his son my home... and now I want them to go, but he has no where to go and really no money. everyone tells me thats not my problem, I didnt make him move, and that he is a grown up. They tell me to give him a week to get it figured out and to go. The thing is... i just feel terrible, all I can think is... what if something happens to them? what if they cant find a place? I dont want he and his son to go back to the life they had because I want his son to be happy. Before... his dad wouldnt get out of bed to play with him really because he was so tired from working so much... his dad was always so grouchy, now... his dads up at 6 everyday and they are always playing. I just dont know why I cant seperate my feelings from that and move on with my life... I want to live in my house, just my daughter and I. I want to have a personal life. I just want to be free. Hes always mad at me for something, and he can be soooo one sided it makes me sick! I cant determine if he knows Im miserable and hes just being selfish, or if he really thinks I am as happy as I used to be. I can say that I do know he loves me and that my daughter and I along with his son, are his world. But what about my world? Why cant I stand up for myself. Everytime I try to... I shut down. I just cant do it. Before... I had nooo problem telling anyone how I felt, but now... I hide in this shell or dont say anything at all because I dont want to drama or to feel like I am hurting anyone. I see alll these people around me who say how they feel and stand up for themselves, then I see me... A girl who couldnt stand up for her self if you paid her. In fact I was offered money, and I couldnt do it.


My home is not a home anymore. I have neighbors upstairs who arent always the most considerate at night... if you get what I mean, in their defense tho... I do live in a very old house... and when its quite down here... you can hear everything upstairs. But oh no... if he hears them... even if its only a minute... he flips out... pounding on the floor, yelling, screaming, and then HE wakes up the kids, and proceeds to blame it on my neighbor above me. So at night starting about 9, and I dont get home until 8, I sit on my couch in agony, anxious, nervous and often praying that we dont hear anything, we usually do... I hate it. His son fights with me about everything, screams bloody murder if I tell him to do something, Ignores me when I ask him to do something, screams and yells... everyday, literally everyday, It is a fight in my house... i often dont want to be here... and then heres my beautiful daughter... who seriously can light up the gloomiest day... I get gripped at if I pick her up and carry her around. He went over my head and took her Umbah... which is her blanket, and wont tell me where he put it. He told me he took it because he doesnt want her to have it. He also took his sons little bear. I tried to explain they are security items and I want them to have them because... well I do... He says he doesnt want them to turn out like me because Im 23 and I still have a old pillow case we call my thumb rag, because I still sleep with miine and put my thumb in my mouth... but thats what I do to well think, or clam down, or feel comfortable... and I do it in the privacy of my own home... He told me I cant raise my daughter like a princess because thats not how he wants her to be raised... I feel he is stepping on my and her fathers toes... he always says" He (her dad) dont want her or hed do more than he does" When I defend that by saying..."trust me... if he didnt want her... he woulnt come around at all" then I get yelled at for defending him. he tells me that her father has to come and get her and that I am not allowed to take her to her grandmothers. Ok in my daughters fathers defense... he might not do a whole lot... but I have it better then a lot of other single mothers out here. I mean he comes around faithfully once a week, he pays his childsupport with no question, hell do anything I ask reguarding her, and whenever he can have an extra day off... he takes his daughter... I mean he only has one day off and he takes his daughter... granted thats not until he wakes up around 1 or 2. but hes there... I know he could do a lot more and when I talk to him I remind him of that all the time... as she is getting older he is begining to do those things...


I just dont see what is wrong with me that I can not express my feelings or say how I feel. I have emotionally detached myself from him and I am starting to with his son. See right now its not even 9 am and his son has started in on me already... not listening... fighting with me and screaming and growling all because I told him he cant play on my laptop right now because Im busy. I dont feel I should have to do this. I dont feel that it is my responsibilty to have to watch him on my day off. I just want 1 day where I dont have to have a fight or be on eggshells... everyday... godsh I wish I could have you hear what I go thru. the screaming the growling the talking back... me being told I have to watch my steps and actions because they are moody. This is not the life I invisioned for my daughter and I. Shes such a happy baby. She was never exposed to stress until recently. I mean I her father made sure I had a stress free pregnancy, and when she was born there was no stress, even when we were going through our hard times.... he made sure there was no stress in the home or tension between us. and now... thats all there is... I mean he is in his room right now kicking and screaming and fake crying because I told him no 3 times. I then calmly told him to go to the corner for 3 minutes and that was that. He then went to time out and proceeded to not stand in the corner and to fight and scream, so I told him 2 times that if he did not stop, I was going to take his bike away. Well he thought he was calling my bluff... but nope... I cant take it anymore... and I told his father that... I mean I cant ever just have a day with just my daughter and I... and then when I bring it up im told im being unfair and why cant he go... I try and do fun things with his son... like we went walking downtown with my bestfriend and he fell out in the store and screamed and cried like someone was beating him. I was so embarassed. My daughter had now started doing these things... and my boyfriend will not... all he does is say his son gets it from my daughter or blames it on the daycare kids... ummm... no... my daughter... I just hold her most of the time and tell her I am sorry and That Ill make it better and That I love her... she just smiles at me... but I dont dare tell her that I dont know how to make it better or that I am to weak.


People think I dont break up with him because I cant be alone... So not the case... I love loving alone and Having my own space.. well her and I's space... I pay all my own bills anyways and take care of everthing. I dont need him or anyone other than my daughter to be complete.


I just wish I knew how to make it better... I wish I knew how to sperate my feelings from the situation and just do what I know I need to... But I cant... I back down, I shell up... I become very anxious and nervous, to the point I cant even talk... I just go into a blank stare... I know I need help...


Thank you so much for listening to me vent!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2007
Tue, 06-02-2009 - 12:32pm

Obviously I don't know the exact situation, since I am not there.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2006
Wed, 06-03-2009 - 8:19am
when exactly in your life did you become anxious and nervous? was it when you discovered what your daughter's father was up to? or when your current boyfriend moved in with you?
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2009
Sat, 06-06-2009 - 10:06am

Quick about me, so you know where I am coming from. Married at 18, 3 kids. Divorce at 32, FINALLY. Now in my 40's.


Blunt:


You need to look within yourself and start liking YOU. If this were happening to someone else, could you respect them? Ex's will string you along as long as you let them. He is treating you as if you did something wrong because it make it easier for him to feel he did the right thing, leaving you. He is gone, moved on. If he was worth having he wouldn't have left in the first place.

-Natalie Goddess '64

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2009
Sat, 06-06-2009 - 10:16am

I didn't read n2ishn's response. WOW! Great stuff!! I didn't mean to be so harsh... maybe just how I am feeling right now. . .

-Natalie Goddess '64

-Natalie Goddess '64

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2007
Sat, 06-06-2009 - 5:33pm

Welcome goddess_natalie1964.