Do you have this obsession too?
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|Tue, 06-02-2009 - 6:09pm|
I'm fairly young, healthy, had some luck in my life, yet all of a sudden (about a year ago) my self-esteem took a complete nose dive and I found myself in a very foreign to me territory of low self-esteem and zero confidence. Wow, what a scary place to be in! For the first time, I can empathize with individuals who say they're people pleasers and care too much what others think of them. Exactly! That's where I am today, 20 some years later, after living a fairly happy life and being considered a confident girl, I've become a girl who just can't stop obsessing over what others think of me.
It is honestly rather difficult to explain how this change came about but I believe it was a progression that took place in a span of about a year and a half and various circumstances leading up to it and during it. I hope you still can follow me....
Okay, so about 16 months ago I was fired from a job for being late and although it wasn't the first time I was fired in my life, I took this firing very hard because it was from a job that I actually liked. I was there for over a year doing very well until a new manager showed up and decided to pick on me for various reasons (one time he sent me home because he said I was wearing a see through shirt- I kind of was but no one else found it offensive and it's not as we worked in a monastery but a regular office setting). I battled with the manager for months, wanted to quit but in the end he canned me and used the excuse that I was 2-5 mins late a few times within a period of a month. I later found out that he was mean to someone else after I left but that person had a totally different reaction to the treatment, that person was very savy in documenting every incident with the boss, did not talked back to him, just complained to teh HR and the mgr eventually backed off. My biggest regret is that I shoudl have done the same as it seems like a more prefessional and mature approach. Oh, and that person still works there and probably gained much respect from everyone. Meanwhile, I will always be the girl who got fired.
So that's just the beginning of when my emotional problems started. Then I started working for a small business where the group was so small, I quickly formed a tight friendship with one person and after I left that company we wrote emails back and forth and she even invited me to her birthday party. I came, had a great time but then she decided to end thet friendship because she never responded to my emails. That was months ago since I have heard from her. I never found out why she decided to cease all communication but obviously, after sending a couple of emails to her and not getting a reply back, I assumed she did not want to be friends anymore. That's when my self esteem started to sink even lower and right around that time I started to question myself, whether I am the kind of person people would like to be friendly with.
I started to analyze ALL of my previous relationships and decided that I never really had any true friends. At least not the kind you see in films where a good friend brings you chicken soup to your house when you have a cold.... I know, silly example but Im sure you know what I mean.
Then I had a couple of other incidents in my own neighborhood- neighbors not inviting me to parties and generally not being nice to me. That I believe is because I had a fight with one of them over dog poop (I wrote to the association complaining about my next door neighbor) and ever since (a few months ago), I've noticed that the neighbor must have told everyone to stay away from me. I even overheard a conversation that one of my neighbors was having on her deck and my windows were open so I heard her say clearly "Amanda is such a stuck up bitch, she thinks she is animal cops or something"..... That;s how I knew for sure why I was getting that treatment from the rest of the neighborhood.
I can go on and on but I must go to my college class in a few minutes. I would like to add more to my story because there are a few relevant details about this. If yo have read my story this far- thanks for reading and I hope I can generate some comments before I add to this.