Hi, new to these boards
Find a Conversation
|Fri, 06-12-2009 - 12:57pm|
Hello. My name is Beth.
I have been a member of Ivillage for years and have made several posts in the past on the Depression Support Boards. Although depression is something I have struggled with for years, and still dealing with it (untreated), self esteem has also been an area of struggle in my life as well. I am currently trying all I can do to improve my thoughts, my image, and just who I am in general ..... I go through this every so often and it can at times be such a tiring process. Which is why I am here.
Where do you begin on the things that have gone through my mind about who I am, my appearance, my life...?? Right now, all I can say is that I feel like a yo-yo and I am just ready for some long term stability in my mind and soul. Like I said earlier, I cycle through stretches of time where I think I am okay and life is not so bad and then there are stretches of time where I honestly do not want to leave the house. My goal is to, yet again, find something positive in myself, find a little happiness and stay there. I simply do not want to have another wasted, sad, poor poor pitiful me day.
I feel like I am rambling, but this is how my thoughts are. I am 35 years old, will be 36 in a week. I am a middle child in my family and growing up, I had the popular sister and the class clown brother... yet I was in the background trying to find where I fit in. I am almost positive this has molded who I am today as I STILL try to fit in and be accepted with whomever I choose to be friends with or choose to work as I am still trying to find my footing in Education.
I am not by any means an unattractive person and I am extremely blessed to have a youthful appearance. I tell people that I am soon to be 36 and I am told I look more like late 20's and early 30's. Granted, I have no children yet, and one day that is a dream and I am sure the aging process will go in full gear when that happens :-) I have an hourglass/fuller figure and I feel so stupid to say how much I absolutely hate having boobs and thighs. Then I read about real women facing a real battle with breast cancer (such as Christana Applegate) and have to have their breasts removed and I feel ashamed for hating what I have.
All of that being said, I look at myself in the mirror and I do not see what people tell me they see in me. I do not go shopping for clothes often and tend to settle with old, comfortable styles that I have. I guess it is because I value my appearance so little to want to keep more fashionable and up-to-date?
Getting past the vanity, what bothers me most is what I think about myself on a daily basis. My flaws are my obstacles and I want to do all I can to get past them and be a better person. I am a people-pleaser, yet have such high expectations for whatever it is I am doing... whether those expectations are for myself of the person I am doing all I can do to make happy. As I have been told quite a few times in the past, my expectations can be quite unreachable and I need to be a little more grounded. I also see myself as a nobody who often times has no purpose in this world. I also apologize FAR too much about things in and out of my control. Worst of all, I care far too much what people think of me.
I am well aware of how deep this post is, and probably quite vague, but I just do not know where to start. I have a love and appreciation for all life, yet I have a hard time accepting who I am and often ask what is wrong with me.
I am married and have been for 12 years. I am married to a good man, but there have been past years where things were not good and I was verbally and physically abused (mildly). He does have a controlling nature, but often times if I sit and listen to where he is coming from, I may not agree, but I can understand. We have no children yet, and that is something I want more than anything in this world, but it literally has been one thing after another with jobs and life.
I did stray from my husband last year. We were having issues and someone took interest in me and made me actually feel something I had not felt in years. Crazy thing is, this person is thousands of miles away from me and is only a name online and a picture still saved in a file on my computer. We had something going for 6 months until he decided that who I was... insecure, needing of attention was not something he could handle. He recognized my good heart and said I am probably the kindest person he has ever known, but that he just could not give me what I needed (again, this is where the exceedingly high expectations come into play). To be honest, this relationship needed to end for several reasons and I am still trying to come to terms of being rejected by someone else. I care little to stray again, as I am not proud of myself for letting myself feel this way, but what's done is done and what else can you do about it... Regardless, what I did was not fair on my husband, the other person's girlfriend and their two children. For that, I will forever more be sorry, as I never wanted to hurt anyone or breakup a home. I just wanted to be loved. My husband and I are doing better now. He does not know the depths of that relationship, but I think he did see me distancing myself from him and is now doing what he can to be more of a positive thing in my life. He is giving me more positive attention and is now starting to listen to me.... there have been times in the past where I felt like I was an unheard voice in this marriage. But, I have tried to communicate that with him and I have to give him credit for giving me a voice again (sometimes)
I know it is possible to find happiness in myself again. After high school, I lost quite a bit of weight and was rather outgoing and somewhat popular in college. I participated in Student Government and was a Hostess on campus. After I graduated, I kept up a great exercise routine, kept busy and started enjoying life. I so badly want to find that person again. I wish I knew what has changed, happiness tends to be a short lived thing and personal, positive thoughts seem to be so rare. Now I am not as active as I use to be and it is a HUGE motivation to get myself out the door and exercise (and I LOVE to walk... always makes me feel better). The weight is settling in again and at my age, it is just harder to lose. Really, all I need to lose again is 15/20 pounds, but I have to wonder, if I do accomplish that, will I REALLY feel better about myself?
There is more that I have experienced in my life that I have not posted here. This post is quite lengthy enough and I believe I have given a clear enough picture of who I am in a nutshell. One day, I just hope to look in the mirror and say "there is somebody special."
So, where do I start?
Edited 6/12/2009 1:00 pm ET by sunflowers_271
Edited 6/12/2009 1:08 pm ET by sunflowers_271
Edited 6/12/2009 1:34 pm ET by sunflowers_271
Edited 6/12/2009 2:15 pm ET by sunflowers_271