Trapped by my insecurities

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-22-2009
Trapped by my insecurities
4
Sat, 08-22-2009 - 1:24am

I honestly have no idea who I am most of the time. Where do I fit in amongst all these other people? How do they see me? Its a scary place to be, inside my head, with people looking in. I frustrate myself daily, even hourly with my lack of self confidence. When I look in the mirror, more often than not, I dislike what I see that sometimes I walk away, unable to look. I don't know why I can't find any beauty in myself; people tell me its there-- so then I search, finding nothing. I always focus on and scrutinize every little tiny flaw: little things that I can't look past. I wish I could. Its exhausting always criticizing myself-- always worrying about the way I look. I am constantly striving for self-improvement but I never seem to reach a place that I'm happy with. Its like a constant voice in my head saying "you know that everyone is looking at all your ugly right now." I think its half the reason I'm closed up- hiding within myself, trapped and paralyzed by my insecurities.

I am 20 years old, and a dedicated student. I have the most amazing boyfriend in the world who calls me beautiful every day. But the point is, I don't know how to see myself in the same way. I know I have the basic features of a beautiful person: i'm 5'8 and 115 lbs, long blonde hair, blue eyes, white straight teeth. People tell me all the time they think I'm pretty. But still, I fight with the reflection in the mirror. The reflection that doesn't show me what I want to see. Its a daily struggle to get myself presentable enough that I feel comfortable leaving my apartment. The makeup, the changing my outfit dozens of times, the stress. Then when I'm finally out in public, among people, every other thought of mine is something along the lines of "oh no, I look terrible right now I just know it. My makeup is messed up. My outfit is stupid. I need to get to a mirror and fix myself." And I'm not a shallow person with it comes to people other than myself. I do not judge anyone by their physical appearance- I'm actually quite against it. But for some reason I assume thats what everyone is doing to me, judging.

I feel doomed to always be striving for the impossible goal of perfection. Because I think no matter how good I look, I will always only see the negative.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2008
Sat, 08-22-2009 - 11:09pm

Who you are on the outside may not match what's on the inside. This is what happened to me when I felt similar to you. I did not know who I was really. I (not others) did not know my strengths, my weaknesses, my likes, and my dislikes - if I did know of them I did not accept them. In not accepting myself; I could not see myself as pretty, nice, good, or anything other than worthless because I was not matching up. I was pieces of a puzzle not yet put together and I was not taking the time or the energy to put myself together to figure out the pieces.

I am not sure what would help you exactly; but I would talk to someone, a third person who does not already know you or who has a good ear for just listening. Use them to express this and find what's missing maybe? Or look into what you like and who you are. Realization and acceptance can make us strong even if we are realizing and accepting imperfection or something we didn't initally want to be - sometimes it can really open our eyes and show us the true beauty we, ourselves, are failing to see.

Hope this helps, if not I apologize - but I have been in the same shoes many times before and probably will fall into them again. That's life I guess.

Rain


Enjoy the Simple.






  &n

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2009
Mon, 08-24-2009 - 3:56am
All of us has flaws and nobody is perfect so don't stress yourself out from over criticizing yourself. Don't add to the people who are more happy to criticize and belittle you. The only person that could help yourself is YOU and no one else. Other people has so many comments no matter what you do because you cannot please all. Don't waste your time by seeing all of your flaws because everybody does.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2006
Mon, 08-24-2009 - 2:11pm
how, exactly, would you define perfect? be specific.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2007
Sun, 08-30-2009 - 9:32pm
You are controlling your own fate with such statements as this: