Trapped by my insecurities
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|Sat, 08-22-2009 - 1:24am|
I honestly have no idea who I am most of the time. Where do I fit in amongst all these other people? How do they see me? Its a scary place to be, inside my head, with people looking in. I frustrate myself daily, even hourly with my lack of self confidence. When I look in the mirror, more often than not, I dislike what I see that sometimes I walk away, unable to look. I don't know why I can't find any beauty in myself; people tell me its there-- so then I search, finding nothing. I always focus on and scrutinize every little tiny flaw: little things that I can't look past. I wish I could. Its exhausting always criticizing myself-- always worrying about the way I look. I am constantly striving for self-improvement but I never seem to reach a place that I'm happy with. Its like a constant voice in my head saying "you know that everyone is looking at all your ugly right now." I think its half the reason I'm closed up- hiding within myself, trapped and paralyzed by my insecurities.
I am 20 years old, and a dedicated student. I have the most amazing boyfriend in the world who calls me beautiful every day. But the point is, I don't know how to see myself in the same way. I know I have the basic features of a beautiful person: i'm 5'8 and 115 lbs, long blonde hair, blue eyes, white straight teeth. People tell me all the time they think I'm pretty. But still, I fight with the reflection in the mirror. The reflection that doesn't show me what I want to see. Its a daily struggle to get myself presentable enough that I feel comfortable leaving my apartment. The makeup, the changing my outfit dozens of times, the stress. Then when I'm finally out in public, among people, every other thought of mine is something along the lines of "oh no, I look terrible right now I just know it. My makeup is messed up. My outfit is stupid. I need to get to a mirror and fix myself." And I'm not a shallow person with it comes to people other than myself. I do not judge anyone by their physical appearance- I'm actually quite against it. But for some reason I assume thats what everyone is doing to me, judging.
I feel doomed to always be striving for the impossible goal of perfection. Because I think no matter how good I look, I will always only see the negative.