My Heart is Breaking

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2009
My Heart is Breaking
Wed, 10-28-2009 - 1:46pm

About 6 months ago, I discovered that my husband was crossing the line with a woman online. I found conversations that they had had. He told her that he was having very sexual dreams about her. He told her that he wanted to have sex with her. He also told her that he didn't think that I was as attractive as other women that he had been with. I even found out that at one point, she sent him naked pictures of herself.

I talked to my husband and told him that all of this was unacceptable. He started crying and saying things like I didn't deserve to be treated like that and that he didn't mean what he said. I don't know if that is true. From what I can tell, he hasn't talked to her since I asked him to stop. He is spending more time with me and is more affectionate. However, I cannot move past it. I am worried that this will happen again. My self-esteem is at an all time low. I am convinced that he isn't attracted to me and that he is thinking about this other woman. I don't know what to do. I think about it all the time. I am wondering if this is a self-esteem issue that is exaggerating the issue. Please help. What can I do to help my self-esteem?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-10-2009
Thu, 10-29-2009 - 9:36am
have you guys considered counseling? i don't know if it's a matter of self-esteem, but it definitely sounds like there are some trust issues involved. your husband is saying one thing but doing the opposite. no wonder you are doubting him! if i were in your shoes i would find a counselor right away because you can do everything in the world to boost your self-esteem, but your husband will still be telling you what you want to hear and you need to figure out why. you are his wife and deserve better than that.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-29-2009
Thu, 10-29-2009 - 8:11pm

I do not know how your relationship with your husband is working, and how many years you guys are married, and what other problems you have had in the past. I have learned when guys ( including women) can not be fulfilled in his/her own relationship, when we realized after a couple of years that our partner is not that "Mr. right or Ms right" that we married after all, that the sex life become tedious, etc, some people start looking in other places, or dreaming about it. I think every couple in their life-time together encounter these kind of situations, some are able to be brave and face it: talk about it, work in it, find help, and try to resolve it; others simply go in the easiest way and engage in another relationships (fresh start). I believe guys are more prone to that, they do not want to work in the current messing up relationship, since can be so complicated sometime.
I think you have to be strong in this, you already have done that: you were the first in confronting the issue with him, and probably he was not going to do it so. The crying thing and being sorry about it when you found out about his little "online affair" it is just hypocrisy for me, instead being honest and say this to you beforehand. How long he would have kept this dirty secret going on if you did not discovered?
Now, if this is the first time that you are aware of something like this, and he seems sooo regretful, probably you two should work together in resolve this difficult moment, and see what is going wrong with your own relationship, and as somebody just say find professional help, specially if you see that things start going the same way. Probably now he is so sweet, and caring but guys forget easily (most of them are like children, they do not take responsibilities and blame others), so you have to be careful, yes it is true that is going to be difficult to trust again, and that is his problem, if he really love you and care about you, he has to work harder now, he has to gain you trust.
I do not know how much you love you man, and how much you reliant on him, but sometime, dear, we have to love ourselves first, and learn how to be emotionally/economically independent with our husbands and even with our own Children ( they will go away one day), mean have time just for you ( you own projects, dreams, travel, etc).

I wish you luck in this difficult moment in you relationship, I hope this is his "wake up call" and he start putting the same effort (or more) that he was expending with that "virtual woman" in seduce you back (and dear, probably she was not the naked woman in that pictures that she sent to him ;)).
Give him a chance, perhaps a second, but if he doesn't get it, then go, move on and find your own happiness… (Women do not need a man to reassure have to learn that)

best wishes

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2007
Sun, 11-08-2009 - 9:57am

Hi waltzjmp...nice to meet you.