Ruining my life

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2003
Ruining my life
1
Sun, 01-10-2010 - 3:14am

I have always suffered from a lack of self esteem. From the outside I am just like most of you and I appear over confident in a lot of ways at work and such...but in reality I am a fraud. I have ruined countless relationships because of this problem. I really took a down turn when my boyfriend currently announced he was going back to school to get his PHD and had to cut down the ammount of time we could spend together. Most logical people with esteem would just think ok that is great good luck and we can see each other when ever but not me. I am of course thinking nonstop that it is not school, that it is me, that he doesn't like me anymore, that he really wants to dump me and is just making my life miserable so I will do the dumping which would give him more time to spend on his studies. Now this is not the case because what we have is good but I am ruining it and making myself sick by thinking the above things non stop over and over....all the time. I have never gone to a shrink for anxiety, I am currently taking Xanax and Effexor. Do you have any suggestions on books I could read, things I could do to take a pro active approach to my anxiety and try to quiet these ugly thoughts? It doesn't help that my son is currently in Afghanistan and I am worried sick about him too. Thanks for letting me vent.

God Bless

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-10-2009
Mon, 01-11-2010 - 9:16am

hi, bluebrosmom, and welcome to the board. when you say that you are a fraud, what do you mean?


it sounds like you are very anxious right now which is totally understandable given your son's recent deployment and your boyfriend's decision to go back to school. i am very anxiety prone in new situations and always think that the worst is going to happen. however, it is not up to me. whatever happens, happens, and i have no control over the situation. although i can come up with a plan "B" in case the worst DOES happen, so that i feel that i am prepared to deal with it. so, what is your worst fear? that your boyfriend does, in fact, want to break up with you? if that happened, how would you feel? what would you do? try and visualize the situation in as much detail as you possibly can, as well as your feelings and reactions. write it down in a journal, if you want to (this also helps me). i know that this exercise sounds counterintuitive but if you are prone to worrying (like i am) then it helps to face your fears instead of trying to avoid them. same goes for your son's deployment. what are you most worried about? if that happens, what will you do? my brother was deployed 2 years ago and i was up most nights worrying about him until i realized that it was beyond my control, but coming up with a plan "B" helped with the fear. i saw that i would be okay (eventually) no matter what happens. there is also a military families message board (http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-psmilitary) that may be of interest to you, if you haven't checked it out already. god bless and hope to hear from you soon!