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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-20-2009
Add me to the list...
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Tue, 01-19-2010 - 1:42pm
Wow, this looks like it might be a great idea.
Just a bit about myself. Like you, of course, I have cripplingly low self-esteem. Which, ironically, comes as a surprise to the people in my life. I am well-liked, but for some reason I do not trust that.
To keep from writing a book, I will focus on the two areas that seem to be the hardest for me to deal with right now.
Number one, I do not live with my kids. Not because of any issues other than it is their dad's turn, and to a slightly lesser degree, because I am under-employed and cannot really give them a good quality of life. But I have a good relationship with them, and their dad, and this is not a permanent situation, as they will be moving back to me, and permanently, we have decided, and so right now, I am just trying to deal with this, but it does bear heavily on me. I was a stay at home mom for 17 years, and really identified myself through that.
The other, bigger, more complicated issues, is my relationship with my BF. Ugh, where to begin.
In February, we will have been together 5 years. We lived together for a while, but now live separately, per my decision. He wanted a wife, I wanted to be a girlfriend, at least for a while. There are other issues there, which will probably come up as I continue to post, but the big one for us right now is the lack of sex in our relationship. It has been a factor for a while. In his defense, he is not in the best of health, and that has affected his ability to be sexual. But in my opinion, he hasn't made a really huge effort to deal with those issues. I have spent time on the Mismatched Libido forum and have gained some insight, but my self esteem is wrecked. It plays on all my insecurities. Although I have been reassured many times, I feel unwomanly and undesirable. And it affects my entire life.
I am not talking about mere vanity. I do not aspire to be a great beauty, or sex goddess. I am just want a relationship where I feel desired.
I have spent a great deal of my life being needed, but precious little time being wanted. And it is to the point that I am seriously considering ending the relationship. If for no other reason than to remove the negativity it represents in my life.
So, I am beginning a process of becoming who I was meant to be, and really hope this is a place where I can get help, and hopefully help others.
Thanks for reading,
Angela
***Self Proclaimed Diva***
If you can't accept me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-20-2009
Tue, 01-26-2010 - 2:37pm

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LOL, I have gone a step further. I have told the important, strong women in my life what happened, in detail, and BELIEVE me, they will hold me accountable for my decision. I don't think I will go back to him, but I do find myself dwelling on woulda, coulda, shouldas, which is pointless. I cannot fix it or change it in any way. It is probably just me avoiding dealing with now. Too much pain.
I would really like the title of the book you mentioned. I need to get myself together, so that if, after I do heal, the opportunity to love comes again, I will be able to see it in a healthy way, sure of myself. Even if I am never in another relationship, it would be good to be confident and sure in myself. I am of the opinion that you don't need a relationship to consider yourself a sensual being. But right now everything inside me is screaming that I am disgusting and not worth it. I want that to go away.
Thanks for your help.
Angela

***Self Proclaimed Diva***
If you can't accept me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-10-2009
Tue, 01-26-2010 - 9:12am

i'm sorry to hear that you guys broke up, and i hope that it is for the best (if you believe it, then it's probably true). i didn't realize that there were trust issues, but you are right in that you can't build a forever with someone if you can't trust him. if you ever do catch yourself starting to backtrack, make a list of the reasons why you aren't with him and repeat it to yourself as often as necessary.


good luck at work (let us know how it goes) and yes, by all means keep going to church.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-20-2009
Mon, 01-25-2010 - 2:16am
Not sure this is a step forward in my self-esteem, but I broke up with my BF tonight. We have known each other just about forever, and have been together for almost 5 years. Valentine's Day would have been 5 years. Don't you love irony??
I honestly do not know how to be right now. I think I don't really realize it has happened, and I hope when I do, I don't back track. I believe it was the right thing to do. The fact is, I cannot trust him, and if I cannot trust someone, I certainly cannot build a forever with them.
There are good things happening in my life. There is a very good chance that I am getting promoted to management at my job. I have started going to church again. *WE* had been going together, but I fully intend to keep going, because it feeds a part of me that is so hungry.
Just needed someone to know.
***Self Proclaimed Diva***
If you can't accept me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-10-2009
Thu, 01-21-2010 - 9:48am

hey, bookwurm, welcome to the board. it must be tough not living with your kids if you were a SAHM for years and years and you identified yourself through them. right now, though, is the time for you to find your own way and to figure out what you like, what you need, what you want out of life. i always suggest writing stuff down, either on paper or in a journal, so that it's right in front of you (that makes it clearer, somehow). so just start with those 3 questions: "what do i like/dislike?" "what do i need?" "what do i want out of life?" there are no right or wrong answers; nothing is stupid or should be dismissed. it's about YOU.


on to the 2nd issue: relationships are tough.