Stuck in my own life

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2010
Stuck in my own life
11
Thu, 01-21-2010 - 1:56pm
I am 26 years old. I have a good job a nice car very few bills and a loving small family. that is the good stuff. where my problem is, is motivation and self esteem. I cannot seem to find a reason worth living for but i cant find a cause worth dieing for. I have dealt with depression since i was about 10. I dont know what to do with my life. I have had five relationships four ended when they cheated on me. my most recent girlfriend of five years came to me after a trivial arguement and said she loved me i was the man she wanted to marry i was her ideal husband. the next day she said she had a new boyfriend and never wanted to talk to me or see me ever again. going as far to say if we run into eachother we have not met. this most recent breakup has highlighted portions of my life i need to change. She was not good enough for me! or so i can say outloud but in my head im the one who messed up and dont deserve her but all logic is telling me its the other way around. I have everything going for me right now. i am healthy good looking strong, i have a good job a nice car, very few bills, great credit. you know all the things one would normally have stress over and i have no stress there. its a struggle to get out of bed every morning because i just dont see a reason to go about my day. I smoke ciggarettes, weed i dont exercise and i have horible hygene. most of this has occured during the last four or five years. I need to straighten myself out so i dont lose the things I have, but am sabotaging myself because my subconcious wants me dead or unhappy. i jumped around a lot and im thankful for anyone who dredges through this message. Im trying to figure out how to have the motivation and self esteem to further my life the way i want to but i am stuck reliving all the crappy things people have done to me and i dont feel like my life is worth continuing because I have one friend i talk to during the week and its never deep and through the misdeeds of my former girlfriends i no longer have any social network whatsoever to turn to for help. my smoking habits and exercise habits are only in the past 5 years before that i had never had any real unhealthy habits. I guess my question is how do i live my life? there is nothing that motivates me in any way. i dont shave very often because i dont see a need to look my best. shoudlnt people like me for who i am? but im not even being myself at this point so i dont like myself for who i am and i have no idea where to start to change things. All of my problems are mental but i dont know where to start to change things. If anyone even understands what i wrote it would be much appreciated for any information or anything to help me. im afraid that if i keep on the path im on i will lose everything but if i change my life that nothing will come of it so whats the point in existing. I am to a point in my life where if i cant find a reason to live for im going to stop living and be a waste to myself my parents and life in general. I find it darn near impossible to make friends or get to know people anymore. I am really sorry i jumped around a lot. i have questions but dont know how to ask them and i need answers but dont have anyone to ask the questions too. Im sick of going at this world alone and only meeting people that throw me away after there done.

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2010
Thu, 01-21-2010 - 2:25pm
I have just noticed that i have posted on what looks like a female exclusive board. I apologize if this is the case but would still love any answers i can get. I also have alot of experiences in a lot of different fields to offer help to anyone else who might need it. I am used to people not accepting me and just hope the people posting on this site see that i might be going through very similar situations and would love help to get through it. thanks again to anyone who takes the time to help.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2009
Fri, 01-22-2010 - 5:42pm

"I am to a point in my life where if i cant find a reason to live for im going to stop living and be a waste to myself my parents and life in general"

How about this as a reason to live: if you commit suicide, you will provide your family with a lifetime worth of pain and guilt. Essentially, you will ruin many peoples lives.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2010
Mon, 01-25-2010 - 3:29pm

let me rephrase and do a summation of what I wrote above I guess to clarify. I have never been suicidal and i have never seriously contemplated it. what the problem I'm running into is a lack of motivation towards living the life in any meaningful fashion. my problem is all around mental but it is not new to me. I have had issues with depression, anxiety, possibly bipolar, self esteem and self image. all of the relationships that i have had thus far in my life have ended on a negative note because I'm too negative depressed and unmotivated towards do anything for fun or joy, and have a hard time expressing the emotion of happy. A big part of the problem I seem to be running into when it comes to recovery is absolutely no support group whatsoever. I have been there giving everything I can possibly give to the ones I love when they ask for my help. When i asked those people i loved for help they give me the same answer "its all in your head just get over it" and when i don't just get over it they leave. I have no-one to go to for any kind of advice or anything substantive to help me live my life without the burden of my own psyche.

it has been four years since i have had a conversation with anyone outside of work related issues. I have had an overabundance of people in my life willing to tell me and i quote "you are worthless and nothing in life matters anyways so stop trying". through the negativity with every relationship i have had in my life, negativity is the norm so its what i tend to convey which makes it impossible to meet new people let alone the type of uplifting positive good natured people i need in my life. Im alone in this world have always felt alone and have always been treated as a loner because of my emotional state. Im sick of being alone in this world and having to just drudge through every part of life with no support from anyone at all. I am truely alone in this world and i want to change it before i get to the point where i give up on life completely. I need help.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-10-2009
Tue, 01-26-2010 - 8:41am

i don't believe that most people are happy, just from what i observe at work and day to day. life can have its good points but it's almost always a struggle, and i think that everyone gets stuck at some point. so you are not alone in that aspect. maybe your issues are all in your head, maybe not, but your family and friends certainly aren't helping by reinforcing your negative feelings. have you ever thought about cognitive behavioral therapy? one of our other members mentioned it recently and i think it might help you recognize your thought patterns and see why you think the way you do.


i agree that people should like you for who you are, and if you don't feel like shaving (or whatever), then don't. however, it's important that you take care of your health because poor health/habits can contribute to depression. so think about quitting smoking and getting more exercise (walking counts) for your own sake, not for anyone else.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2010
Wed, 01-27-2010 - 2:03pm

Thank you for the reply. I would love a bit more in depth discussion on cognitive behavioral therapy. Is it tied in with neuro-linguistic programming (NLP for short) in any way?

The reason I'm curious is because I truly believe i am subconsciously trying to kill myself. I sabotage my own happiness on a daily basis and have absolutely nothing good to say about myself. I know very well that exercise, proper nutrition, and overall well being has a major role in mental health. but when it comes to taking care of myself I don't know how anymore and i don't have the motivation or the willpower to do it on my own, and if i did, i wouldn't know where to start the healing process. I'm not even really sure if i have had even one healthy relationship in my life but i know it all cant be my fault. I don't know where to go or where to begin. I have always been a kind person and done everything in my power to help others. I volunteer with homeless and developmentally disabled not to make myself feel better but because i think everyone should help each-other. I go through the day almost as a zombie, the emotions i show aren't real and don't feel real just seem appropriate for the situation. Even though i have a love for the human race as a whole, I grow further and further from it through my disdain for the individuals I become involved with. I feel like Dr. Manhattan from the Watchmen. I do not understand people anymore and everyday I get more and more frustrated and distant. Even when a small small small percent of my rationality is telling me that it wont always be bad that i will someday know what its like to feel love or have someone be kind to me, I cannot stop myself from thinking that in the end ill look back and my hope was unwarranted and that the cruel joke will be that i never got to know what being useful, loved, needed, wanted, or admired feels like. Depression and loneliness are a dark room and I am more and more thinking there is no door out.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-10-2009
Wed, 01-27-2010 - 2:34pm

you're welcome. i'm not too familiar with NLP; what have you read/heard about it? i would like to discuss it, too. if

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2010
Wed, 01-27-2010 - 3:48pm

The reason i say I'm subconsciously trying to kill myself is because I constantly keep myself from doing the right thing when it comes to my own life. subconsciously trying to kill myself may be a bit strong of a description but it does feel that way sometimes. for example when i get a chance to do something fun with a friend something like rock climbing or snowboarding (never had much of a chance to do those things till now) they bring me joy and make me feel good but when I'm invited I would rather stay at home wallowing in self pity a place very comfortable to me for a long time now so i always decline and stay at home. which of course makes those friends not call me because they know that i will say no. It is confusing and frustrating because i cannot stop myself from being unhappy and when presented with an opportunity for something exiting I decline even though every part of my brain that is rational is telling me to go. I cant i don't want to its like I'm so used to being unhappy that its all I can get myself to do.

I'm either feeling cold or numb most of the time, when something is funny i don't laugh i get depressed. when something is sad i don't get sad i get angry or happy. it does sometimes feel like I'm having the opposite emotion that I'm supposed to be having which is why i have to try so hard to fake the emotion because i know the one I'm actually feeling usually isn't the right one for the situation. cant think of any examples right now but i will write about it when i do.

I do live with my parents right now. i have moved away three times for a year or so
including a term in the us marine corps. but i have found i spend even more time alone and its not healthy for me yet.

Not everyone i run into is mean to me but i have been described as "delightfully creepy" by a girl i had just met. she said i was very kind but just kinda creepy. My family is good i have a good dad and mom but I'm very distant from them even though i live with them i have never felt emotionally close to them and even find it hard to talk to them about anything personal. my brother has always treated me like forgive the term "a redheaded stepchild". my brother spent a few years in a boys home for a few reasons a big part of which for being very mean even going as far as actually trying to kill me on more than one occasion. I don't meet new people very often but when i do it always takes about a year for them to warm up to me if they do at all then another couple months for them to throw me away and move on without ever talking to me again. (that i feel is because of my demeanor i.e. my negative/depressed personality). I have an Ex girlfriend that told me she never wanted to speak to me again (she said herself i didn't deserve what she did to me) the day after she told me she loved me and that i was the man she wanted to spend her life with. sadly that is the second time that almost exact same situation has happened. first time was after two years this time was after five years and not with the same girl.
both times they were the only significant person in my life for those periods of time.

thank you so much for asking good follow up instead of just assuming and generalizing my situation it may be similar to others but is not due to the complexities of the situations that have occurred during my life so far. I really am lost in my own head for the most part but I want to know what love and happiness feel like from the receiver end.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-10-2009
Thu, 01-28-2010 - 4:32pm

hey, any time. sometimes i ask a lot of questions - and i know some of them are stupid - but it's just for clarification.


i think what you are describing with the rock climbing example is called self-sabotage. it's a pretty common theme here, although everybody does it in their own unique way. you can google "self-sabotage" and there are a ton of books about it in barnes & noble's self-help section, if you're interested in reading. i will also try to add some tips for getting out of your own way in the news and wellness folder below this one.


you can stop yourself from being unhappy but it takes conscious effort because you'll have to undo the way you've been thinking. if you keep telling yourself "i am unhappy" or "nobody likes me", etc., then eventually you will come to believe it because the neurons in your brain have been firing that way and neurons that fire together, wire together. that's why you get stuck in the same thought patterns and why something like CBT or NLP might help you identify them and learn how to think differently.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2006
Sun, 01-31-2010 - 8:42am

I wanted to thank you for posting. You wrote some things I have been feeling for a long time and I had, so far, been unable to express or find in the experiences of others.


People usually don't like me when they first meet me (bc I keep to myself I think), and although the ones I let into my life do like me, it seems that after some time they are completly overwelmed/fed up

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2010
Sun, 01-31-2010 - 1:31pm

My main goal when posting here was to see if anyone has had the same type of experiences I have had and maybe even overcome them. Now the only thing i can think of is to start the healing process. Maybe even be the only person in my life so far that has shown an interest in myself.

I looked at myself this morning in the mirror (not something i usually care to do). I saw someone worth while, someone worth giving a chance to. I still need help and will still need help to fix myself. I'm not going to get help from sitting in the same place doing the same things and continuing the cycle that has made me this way. I don't want to spend the best years of my adult life wallowing in what could have been. the only thing keeping me from being a great person is myself. My own psyche is my worst enemy. So from now on I'm going to do everything in my power to eat right eat well, exercise my body and my mind by working out and reading more often. even try to find places in my home town where i can find like minded individuals. Step out of my comfort zone and live life to the fullest "carpe diem"

"i_don'tknow" if your situation is much like mine you are an incredibly kind and generous person. as long as we aren't contributing to the problem we already face i believe that people can always be helpful to each other. If you have any questions or anything please don't hesitate to ask I have always believed I was put here to make a positive influence to the people around me. but over time i have come to think, through the way i have been treated that whatever good i have to offer to my fellow human is unnecessary they don't deserve it. when i think like that i am making one mistake,I am not being a good person I am treating others the way they have treated me not the way i feel i should be treated.

once again sorry if I jump around sometimes it is hard to organize my thoughts into some sort of coherent dialogue but know that I am a sincere person whose only real goal is to fix myself so that i may be able to make a positive difference to at least one other human on this planet. I have been treated like I did not matter and told i did not matter and that nothing does. the people who told me this are sick and need help. We all matter everyone matters and we have to remember that because if we forget it we lose what really makes us human. I look around and see all of the things that we have created as humans from the enormous skyscrapers and man made islands to carbon nanotubes and mysterious particles we haven't actually seen yet. We owe it to ourselves and our neighbors to be the best humans we can be, each of us is a personal liaison to earth as we know it. we should treat every human as kind as we would a visitor in our home.

it makes me happy to think that any one of us could change the world so maybe its time to see ourselves happy, rational, and self aware. so that we may use our free will to change the world for the better. and in the process making ourselves the best we can be and really set an example for others.

Pages