I'm new here

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2010
I'm new here
Sun, 02-14-2010 - 12:21am
And feeling very confused and conflicted.
Avatar for firstglimpse
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
In reply to: jinxr
Mon, 02-15-2010 - 12:59pm

I'm new here too, but understand what you're going through. At least you're in therapy. That is a huge step. I would suggest you stick with it until you do feel more confidence in your marriage. My H made our appt so horrible I was not about to go back. I know it was not b/c he didn't want to work on our relationship, but due to his past he doesn't trust therapists.

I am hoping that if I build my self-esteem to a place of such confidence it doesn't really matter if I believe my H will stay honest or not. But instead to know if I ever find myself in such a situation again I have the confidence I'll take care of myself & send him right out the door w/o regret or question. To know I have what it takes to be on my own, even at a whims notice. To see my relationship as a place of desire, not a place of necessity.

After 4 years I'm still struggling, but I've definitely progressed. My H has a brain disorder. So his honesty constitutes his behavior on many levels, especially being consistent with doc appointments & medication. I understand how his deception began & grew. This has helped me to forgive him, but it has not helped me forgive myself. I am still angry for allowing myself to be abused. I think I probably could have kept our marriage together without sacrificing myself. But due to my low self-esteem I had laid myself flat & let everybody in this situation run all over me.

So my ultimate goal is not to completely trust my H again. I now understand sometimes life is too big to trust anything to be stable. But to be in a place where I don't have a need to trust him. But rather to have the ability to trust the strength in myself to keep me protected no matter what is thrown in my direction.

If you spend some time learning about meditation you'll learn life takes place at the present moment. You cannot change your past & you cannot predict or control your future. Life is here in the now.

I have to quotes for you....

"Forgiveness means giving up all hope for a better past. "
~ Lily Tomlin


Yesterday is history.
Tomorrow is a mystery.
Today is a gift.
That is why they call it the present.

~ Eleanor Roosevelt
(part of a longer poem & also used in 'Kung Fu Panda')

"Only when we are sick of our sickness shall we cease to be sick."

~ Lao-Tzu, from The Tao Te Cheng
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-10-2009
In reply to: jinxr
Tue, 02-16-2010 - 9:19am
hey, jinx, welcome to the board. i think firstglimpse has already given you some great advice so i'm not sure how much more i can add. i especially like her suggestion about being ready to leave at a moment's notice because that gives you confidence and strength, knowing that you can take care of yourself. meditation is also a good idea because, like she said, it helps you focus on the present. the past is
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2010
In reply to: jinxr
Thu, 02-18-2010 - 3:03am

I'm new too, and trying to find my way around...


iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2007
In reply to: jinxr
Sat, 02-27-2010 - 8:30pm

You might want to check out "After the Affair".