What is wrong with me?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2006
What is wrong with me?
3
Mon, 02-15-2010 - 12:43pm

I am a 26 year old full time college student. I have recently lost my first nephew and 3 weeks later, my grandmother to cancer - all over the 3 week christmas holidays.

I am finding that I have no emotion. I don`t find joy in anything, I am introverted and do not attend social events out of this overbearing heaviness of lethargy and thoughts. I like to believe that I am functioning without the grief of 2 deaths in my family, but I cant help but think they are causing an underlying depression. I am not overly emotional about either of the deaths, I feel the need to break down over my grandmother because I was at the hospital every day and she died the day i went back to school after the holidays, so I believe that is a problem for me.

I am just curious what this emotionless, anti social, sedated state may be because I just cannot identify what my body wants to feel, vs what my mind doesnt. I am a happy person but my motivation and inability to feel ANYTHING is making me very concerned.

Has anyone had a similar experience, where they lack emotions and just feel seperated from their former self?

Court

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2004
Mon, 02-15-2010 - 3:41pm
My problem is somewhat similar to yours. I used to cry over the smallest things that in the long run really didn't mean much, but at the time seemed like a big deal or I would cry even when I didn't think I should have been. After so long of everyone getting on my case for "crying over nothing" I learned to completely block any emotion that may result in crying. Both my doctor and therapist are constantly trying to get me to open up. I do it now out of habit and don't even realize I've done it until they point it out. The problem with holding in your emotions like that is eventually they will just burst and it's hard to tell who or what will make it happen and it's generally not pretty. It makes you a ticking bomb. I would suggest seeing a therapist who can help you let out your emotions in a healthy way, a little at a time. That person can also work on coping skills with you to help you out when(if) you run into the same problem in the future.
Avatar for firstglimpse
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Mon, 02-15-2010 - 5:49pm

It can also open you up to panic attacks. The first one comes out of no where, when you're not even stressed. Once that door opens it is very, very hard to close it. And if it gets too big it can control your life & it's tough work to reclaim it.

I had gone 3-4 years w/o shedding a tear. When my friend died I cried for 2 days straight, not just for her, but for everything. Then I didn't shed a tear again for another 2-3 years.

My first panic attack still didn't come for another 5 years, but I know it's because I never learned how to deal with life when it is presented before me.

You're already closing yourself off. You're already starting to make yourself an outsider. These are common with anxiety.

I would suggest getting a therapist or somebody you trust to get you start crying. Sit down with some pictures, talk of the good times you had with these two. Trust me, you can make the tears come. My brother died 5 years ago, now it just takes a song or a picture or a smell to trigger thoughts. I don't chase them away any more. Even if I'm in public. I let the tears come. Usually they're silent tears now. Sometimes only 4-5 tears for 2-3 minutes. But I've given that emotion its life, a chance to breathe a chance to move on.

Peace




"Only when we are sick of our sickness shall we cease to be sick."

~ Lao-Tzu, from The Tao Te Cheng
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-10-2009
Tue, 02-16-2010 - 9:49am

hi, shortney; there is nothing wrong with you. you are grieving the loss of 2 loved ones. that's it. i hate to simplify what you're feeling but there is no question in my mind that the numbness and antisocialness (if that's a word) are due to grief. i lost a friend to illness a few years ago and i went through the same things that you mentioned - i couldn't feel anything and i didn't want to be around anyone except for