New here... Hello all.
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|Tue, 02-16-2010 - 11:41am|
Hello all...This is my first time here.
It's hard to open up. Communicating about my feelings has never been easy. I learned as a child that it's best to just stay quiet. The more invisible I was, the less likely I was to get yelled at. And so today, I am here. I'm here because I feel like so alone and sad. I have all these negative feelings about me despite all the good things I have in my life. I'm a professional woman with a good job and a great kids. Sure, having a family comes with its own set of problems, but those are understood and manageable. In fact, when I look at my life as whole, I have a good life, I really can't complain.
My problem is this: I feel abandoned. I never lived with my parents, they had me when they was too young and couldn't take care of me. I know that they did the best for me... yet, I feel so unloved and undeserving. I bounced around from family to family, always aware of who and how they were. Along the way, I was sexually abused, and I can't help feeling that because of it, I'm more tainted to them, more undeserving. I am 35 years old now and I haven't seen them in over 17 years. All my life I worked to make myself a better person, someone they could be proud of, someone *I* could be proud of ... someone worth of their love. I could reach out to them, but I'm too damn proud to do so. How stupid is that? I'm just afraid of rejection again.
Anyways, this weighs heavily on me. I've tried therapy, but it didn't really work, or maybe she just wasn't the right therapist. I need to let go of this... and move on. How do I do it...?
I feel so trapped inside, unable to breathe; panic and loneliness sets in...