Parents and comments about weight.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2010
Parents and comments about weight.
4
Tue, 03-02-2010 - 2:19pm

I will try to make a long story short here. I am 29 years old and an MA candidate in Women's Studies. I have a long history of emotional problems--mainly anxiety and depression. Also, when I was 15, I was hospitalized for anorexia. The eating disorder continued for many years, even when I was healthy, I was obsessing. I still deal with it from time to time, but sometimes the feelings come back with a vengeance.

The other day, my father asked me how much I weighed (he and others had been concerned in the past few months with my weight loss). I told him that I weighed one thing on his scale and another on mine, still another on the doctor's. He actually said, "Well, you know you should not gain any more weight ok?"

For the purpose of full disclosure, I am 5'3" tall and I weigh between 105-110lbs.

I guess I need advice on how to deal with this. It makes me want to go back to bad (non)eating habits when people make comments about my weight. I just feel like my dad is being very judgmental. Does he want me to look like Kate Moss, for god's sake?

Any advice would be helpful, thanks,

-C

Avatar for firstglimpse
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Tue, 03-02-2010 - 6:56pm

Wow! By you including your height & weight, I believe there is a part of you who accepts where you are and are somewhat delighted. Now if you can tap into that part of yourself maybe you can eliminate all strong urges to do yourself harm.

It is very unfortunate for your father to do this to you. Have you ever looked into narcissism? I believe my mom has this personality disorder. There is a DSM-IV on the symptoms. My mom did this to my little sister & I guess my older sister as well. I think she had put both of them on diet pills while they were in the 6th grade. Or maybe just my little sister & my older sister she put on diets. Out of the 5 children I lucked out, I was ignored & probably have the least amount of emotional scars. My oldest sister was too thin most of her life (with menopause she's finally looking normal) and my younger sister has been obese most of her life. I, who didn't get weight comments, has always been w/in the normal weight range. So in my experience it is apparent parents play a role on children's weight.

Expanding on being ignored ... maybe you need to limit your time with your father until you can learn how to not let his remarks hurt so bad?

There is a rule I try to follow: JADE

Never

Justify,
Argue,
Defend or
Explain

when dealing with a personality such as this.

Who knows, maybe is not really worried about your appearances reflecting upon himself & not a narcissist at all, but rather wants to have complete control over you. To take the one thing he knows you've struggled with your whole life & make it a focus again could be a way to reassert his control over you.

I believe this is where some anxiety disorders can come from. An effort to be perfect so we can be accepted by somebody who will never be able to show us acceptance. Sooner or later we're trying to be everything for everybody & nothing for our selves.

I hope you can look inside and find the part of you who accepts your current weight. Maybe get into a comfortable spot, close your eyes, bring your blood pressure down & find that place. Then think of all the wonderful things you can do in life right now w/o struggling with anorexia issues. Imagine tomorrow, getting up w/o any urges to abuse yourself. Imagine only being healthy & strong. Do this maybe for a few days and hopefully these feelings will go away.

I wish you peace




"Only when we are sick of our sickness shall we cease to be sick."

~ Lao-Tzu, from The Tao Te Cheng
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-10-2009
Thu, 03-04-2010 - 1:14pm

hey, blumuun, welcome to the board. why did your dad say that you shouldn't gain any more weight (unless it was a joke)? that's not cool. it makes me mad when people say stupid things like that. but how to deal with it? well, you're more than what you weigh - it's just a number, like your age or shoe size. as long as you're within a healthy range and you feel good (enough energy, no aching bones), that's all that matters. there are a couple of theories that anorexia is about control, and if you've been afraid of gaining weight then this makes sense since you would try to control

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2008
Sat, 03-06-2010 - 3:18pm

If you have an open mind and want to try something that is EXTREMELY helpful and takes an OPEN MIND, I want to suggest someone for you. I'm a huge supporter of her work and would love to share her with you . Her name is Byron Katie. I'm sure the moderators are getting sick of my sharing her name, but... when find something that works, you want EVERYONE to experience it.


The "it" that I'm talking about is a process Byron Katie teaches called "The Work." It's VERY simple and PROFOUNDLY effective at helping us deal with our thoughts. You mentioned that your dad made a comment about NOT gaining any weight. Well, IN HIS WORLD and in HIS OPINION, he's right. The thing is, those are thoughts in HIS world, NOT YOURS. Just b/c he says it or thinks it, DOES NOT MAKE HIM RIGHT. He's just sharing HIS thoughts.


So Katie teaches us to realize that thoughts are like clouds. They come and go ALL THE TIME. Thoughts are things, just like clouds. We don't get offended by clouds, right? But TONS of people get offended at thoughts. ESPECIALLY when they're thoughts from loved ones.


If this is something you're interested, go to her website: www.thework.com.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2009
Sat, 03-06-2010 - 6:53pm
I'm 5'4 and weight 160. Boy, how I wish to be 110.