How to deal with someone who hates you?
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|Sat, 03-06-2010 - 7:33pm|
So I've written about this before but I'm posing a different question this time.
Why do I let peoples opinions of me bother me so much that I become severely depressed? Example, I made a mistake and had a confrontation with my neighbor about something major (I accused her of leaving dog crapp on my lawn, which she did and because she felt as I was using a threatening tone when I said I was going to call the association, she turned around and called the cops on me saying she felt I was harassing her. Weird, how she decided to turn things around.). I have been feeling a tremendous amount of guilt over confronting her because as my husband said, I could have just let it go or been "nicer" to her during the confrontation. I wish I could take things back but I can't so instead the guilt and anger at her caused me to become depressed. Like, REALLY depressed feeling as I did not want to get out of bed for weeks. I did but only to go to work and back. Then I usually come home, drink chamomile tea, take occasional Xanax and go to back to bed.
The other important reason why I became depressed is that aside from the guilt how I could have handled (or rather not handle) the situation is the fact that this confrontation with my neighbor was witnessed by other neighbors who told many other neighbors in my commnity and after the word got out, I became the bitch who was "mean" to Mrs. X. Mrs. X happens to be also a fairly popular figure because she is chatty and has a few kids who hang out with other neighbors kids so naturally, they took her side without questioning much. And again, I am not saying I was right and they should have taken my side instead, because when I look back I should have never been involved in this argument with my neighbor. Because knowing her personality, I was "asking for it".
It;s been way too long (a YEAR) that this thing has been bothering me for. The exchange between me and THAT neighbor made us enemies for life because when I was making a mild attempt to apologize, she snubbed me instantly and said she had to go. So it's over. No turning back, nothing can be repaired.
But a year later I am still traumatized by her calling the cops on me and I cannot deal with others looking down on me since this incident. I feel like they're all judging me even though they moved on, I will forever be branded as the bitch, that girl, that crazy neighbor. They hardly ever look at me. I get many dirty looks and overall I "feel" that they dislike me.
Intellectually, I understand that I am unable to change anyone's hate for me especially if they all have decided that's how they feel about me but on an emotional level, I am unable to deal with the aftermath. I became "paranoid" about the situation. I hardly leave the house to take walks because it is just too uncomfortable for me. When I get a sudden feeling of depression lifting and I get outside, something like my neighbor passing me and looking the other way, can always SET OFF more depression with which I struggle with for more weeks/months.
I have seen a therapist about this and he seems like he's really trying to help me but months later, I still don't feel better. He told me things like that "it;s okay to be different" and deep down I should know that I am a good person but the thing is, I don't believe that I actually am. Otherwise, I would not be so stupid to not know how to get along with people.
I must mention that this episode only triggered my depression from many years ago that was about general regrets about dealing with people, things like "I can't believe I did that/said that". That depressive episode got better with time but I guess I still have many unresolved issues hence for the past year or so, since the incident with my neighbors, I actually believe now that I am a "bad" person, incapable of understanding social qs and incapable of developing proper relationships with people. I mean, look at me, I only have a few friends. Some people have 300+ friends on Facebook, I barely managed to get a dozen and only a few of them are actual friends.
I got a script for Lexapro and I am terrified to start taking it. I've read some things on the Internet how it may create suicidal tendencies and this would be the nail on the coffin for me.
Any feedback would be appreciated. My husband is threatening me to have me committed if I keep talking to him about this. He said he either wants to on meds or to snap out of it. He doesn't understand why I have let everything to take form of all kinds of distorted thoughts in my head like that everyone hates me. He also doesn't understand why it's taking me so long to deal with it....