in constant blame of myself

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2003
in constant blame of myself
7
Mon, 04-05-2010 - 11:29am
I would like to know how to stop dwelling on the past. Something happened and I knew the right thing to do but did not do it. In turn a negative happened and now I'm constantly replaying in my mind what I should have done. I knew what to do just am really regretting and blaming myself for not doing it at the time. I just now feel stuck. I cannot get these thoughts out of my head. I even am losing sleep over it. I've been going for walks and that's all I think about. I try to be more active and the regret/strong blame of myself is right there. No matter what anyone says to me about it- trying to be helpful.. I just cannot stop beating myself up. Please help.


Avatar for firstglimpse
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Mon, 04-05-2010 - 12:34pm

I completely understand. I have done the same thing for about 4 years now. Although, to tell the truth, we can only GUESS it would have turned out better if the choices we made were different. It would not GUARANTEE it.

Also, there are health problems associated with this sort of emotional stump. When I started to think this way I came down with a horrible sinus infection. I went on multiple antibiotics, which brought on yeast infections & more antibiotics. I went to an allergist who had me do unconventional stuff which probably made my sinus even worse. I finally ended up having surgery which only sort of helped the problem.

Then years later I found an article on Discovery Health. It stated sinus problems has to do with "unexpressed or unresolved emotions." In a related article also on Discovery Health they quoted an author (the book I'm reading now), "In my experience, repressed anger is the No. 1 contributing factor to chronic sinusitis," Ivker says. "Actually, it's the trigger for acute sinusitis — for sinus infections. The archetype is generally a high achiever, very often a first child, unforgiving, perfectionist."

This said a lot to me & I realized I need to forgive myself if I want to get better.

I first heard this next quote on the movie "Kung fu Panda" and it stayed with me. Later, trying to find it online I found it's actually a quote from Eleanor Roosevelt, "Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, and today is a gift; that’s why they call it the present."

What has really helped me is to learn about meditation & Buddhism. Learning the importance of the present. I have listened to many podcasts from Zencast. It is from listening to these I've really come to understand, living in the past, future & probabilities is not living. Life can only be lived in the present.

Hope this helps even a little.




"Only when we are sick of our sickness shall we cease to be sick."

~ Lao-Tzu, from The Tao Te Cheng



"Only when we are sick of our sickness shall we cease to be sick."

~ Lao-Tzu, from The Tao Te Cheng
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2003
Mon, 04-05-2010 - 1:24pm
Wow! Yes, that certainly did help. I greatly appreciate you for sharing what you've learned. I appreciate what you said, the quotes too, etc. Yes, I'm a first born and try to be a perfectionist. You are absolutely right about it only being a guess things would turn out differently not a guarantee. That really makes a lot of sense and I'll remember that. I just am so blown away by your wonderful response. Thanks a ton!! :)


iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2009
Mon, 04-05-2010 - 3:21pm


I just wanted to add that I not only empathize but have my own theory on why some of us tend to move on quickly from things/events and some tend to get "stuck" in them, sometimes for a very long time. Btw, how long have you felt this way?

So a couple of things: first being that there's a possibility of you being a "highly sensitive" person. It is a term that was coined a decade or so ago by one of the leading psychologist in the field and she published a couple of books on the topic, one of them titled "the highly sensitive person"- i highly recommend it and I don't read many self help books. Actually, I used to be the most cynical person when it came to the self help books (thought it was all psycho bubble and some of it sure is). That being said, I understand being a HSP because I am one myself. To prove it, read my posts on this board and you'll understand how painfully insecure I am.

The other point I want to make is that sometimes and that is often enough, it is depression which manifests itself through this self-blame, guilt, resentment, anger etc. I can also attest to the fact that I've lived through it. Actually, still living through it but things are slightly better- thanks to the support of this board.

I don't recommend necessarily getting on ADs but maybe researching the possibility of being treated in other, more natural ways. St.John's Wort, Holy Basil, plenty of vitamins, acupuncture, getting adequate blood work out of the way to make sure that your thyroid level are not out of whack?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2010
Mon, 04-05-2010 - 6:02pm

I am struggling with this so much everyday :(


I am seriously thinking that I might be suffering from depression. I just can't move on from past hurts/mistakes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-26-2009
Tue, 04-06-2010 - 1:17am

Hi firstglimpse!

I said this in another post, but I think it is worth repeating:

With respect to our actions in the past, we need to accept that we did the best we could with what we had at the time.

You made the mistake for a reason. You were trying to get something from making the mistake, so you made it. In some aspect of you it didn't seem like a mistake. Now you realize you didn't get what you really needed. So you have learned. It might be helpful to explore what you thought you would get from the mistake and think about how it in fact did not get you what you wanted/needed. How can you get that need fulfilled differently in the future? In what ways do you need to be more honest with yourself.

Also, though I'm sure you've heard it a million times, but: Success is not found in never failing, but: Our greatest glory is not in never failing, but in rising up every time we fail (Ralph Waldo Emerson). EVERYONE messes up. What makes us succeed or fail ultimately is what we do AFTER we make the mistake. Learn from it. Focus on growth not perfection.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2003
Tue, 04-06-2010 - 8:30am
I've read all of the posts. It really means a lot to me the kindness and understanding you've all given. I found them to be really interesting and it is nice to know I'm not the only one going through this. Thank you again.


iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2010
Thu, 04-29-2010 - 4:01pm

Okay.....I am sure you have heard every bit of advice of forgetting it, realizing it wasn't your path, etc.


I have done similar things in life.... we ALL have.