Not content with being me
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|Mon, 04-19-2010 - 9:41pm|
I've always been happy and confident with who Iam up until June of 2009.Thats when everything changed and my self esteem virtually dissapeared.
I was engaged to someone I had been with for almost 4 yrs, then In june I found out that he had been cheating since 2007 and had spent our money on escort services. I found out this and much more only a month or so before the wedding.About 3 weeks after finding everything out I finally left and moved back in with my dad. Finding out all the secrets my ex fiance had destroyed me. I felt like what am I missing that made him cheat,of course the girls he was talking to and messing around with were the complete opposite of me which didn't help. Iam very thin however Iam really short, with brown hair. These girls were taller,giant boobs with blonde hair. I felt incredibly inferior and like I wasn't good enough.
I have a new bf now and he treats me amazing. There isn't one thing I would change about him.The first few months we were together I felt so beautiful and deserving and trusting. But the last few months for whatever reason the feelings I had last june/july are creeping back.I feel like why on earth is he with me when he could be with someone taller with a better body, someone smarter that has a real career.I know he is attracted to me,he has never done anything to make me think otherwise,but I can't help but think these things.I hate thinking them because I know Iam deffinitly not ugly,I have had many people say I should get into modelling.Yet I still can't help but compare myself to almost every girl that walks by, like why cant I be that tall or have boobs like that or why cant I have as nice a butt as that.It's like I almost hate myself (which I know I don't) for being who Iam.
I know all these feelings stem from what my ex did to me,I used to be super confidant and tell myself and believe that I was beautiful.I used to trust people and believe no one would or could hurt me.Now its like, I can imagine my new bf cheating even though deep inside I know he never would.He is different from my ex. I really don't want to have to talk to my dr about this,I know thats what most ppl that respond to this would suggest but I just don't know how I would bring it up.What would I say? "hi,it's Hollie, I have no self esteemm,what would you suggest?" Plus his secretary tends to interrogate you before actually making an appointment, trying to decide if its worth for a person to come in.She's somewhat of a bitch.Anyways I would like some insight on how I could build my self esteem back up to how it was less than a year ago. I guess it's good I haven't had this issue for years and years, I think it would be alot harder to undo.