Please help

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2004
Please help
15
Fri, 05-14-2010 - 5:29pm

I started seeing a guy I was friends with in high school. I hadn't seen him in 20 years, but we found each other on Facebook. He started chatting with me online and he asked for my phone number. Last Saturday, he asked me to come over to his place so we could catch up. We talked for a few hours and it was really nice. He told me he had a crush on me in high school and said he wished he would've asked me out but was too shy. He started kissing me and we were making out and we ended up in bed. I stayed with him all night. Things seemed pretty good. I left in the morning and he told me to call him later. So I did that night and we talked for quite a while. We both had bad divorces so we were talking a lot about that. Before we hung up, he told me to call him during the week.

I called him Wednesday night. He said "I wondered when you were gonna call." I said "well, you could've called me too." But anyway, we talked a while and he told me to come over after work on Thursday. I thought things were going well at that point. When I got to his house, he didn't hug or kiss me. He said let's order something to eat. So we got a pizza and brought it back to his house. We talked more about our divorce experiences and I had already told him that my ex was abusive to me and because of him I had a low self esteem. He said the same of himself. So after a while I gave him a hug and kiss. Then he said something that absolutely broke my heart. He told me that he won't date heavy women. I am overweight - but working on losing and have already lost 20 lbs. I've been told that I am pretty. In high school I was really thin, but have gained some weight over the years. Anyway, he said his brother always dates heavy women and that their family always makes fun of him for that and that he (the guy I was seeing) can't handle that. He said I know it shouldn't matter and that it should be a woman's character but he just can't date someone like that. I was absolutely stunned and didn't know what to say. He didn't think I was too heavy to have sex with, though! So I put my coat on, told him that I wasn't going to waste his time anymore, and I left.

Sorry this was so long, but I'm having a hard time dealing with all this. I was really starting to feel good about myself. I lost a dress size, bought some new clothes - even started wearing skirts and high heels again! I was actually happy. But now my self-esteem has hit an all time low again after what he said to me and I just want to dig a hole and hide myself.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2009
In reply to: shellrw
Sun, 05-16-2010 - 12:52pm
Oy vey.... how awful. By telling you he is a jerk, I am not sure I can actually help because your heart is still broken. However, to me it seems as this "man" has used you for sex. Kind of evident from where I'm standing. And you're not that "repulsive" if he thought you were good enough to sleep with but not have a relationship with. That is a text-book definition of "using for sex". Still, heartless of him to say what he did.
I am not sure how to go from there. Me being an overweight woman myself, I would def feel low too....
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-10-2009
In reply to: shellrw
Sun, 05-16-2010 - 3:32pm

welcome to the board, and congrats on the progress that you've made so far on your weight-loss goal. you have every reason to feel proud of and good about yourself, so keep wearing those skirts and high heels! unfortunately, when you're trying to reach a goal (whether it's losing weight or going back to school or whatever) you'll

Avatar for firstglimpse
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
In reply to: shellrw
Mon, 05-17-2010 - 12:44pm

Wow, 20 lbs! That is great. Especially after coming out of a harmful relationship. There are so many woman who could not recover so well.

I don't know if this guy used you for sex only. I think he is messed up. Not as far down the road of recovery as you are. He kept asking you to call, instead of him calling you. He stated he never dared tell you he had a crush on you in high school. Sounds to me he fears rejection so much so that it is possible he wanted to be the rejector before he could be rejected.

I know it's painful to you no matter what, but honestly, from the info you supplied, I really think it has more to do with his low self esteem.

At this point and time in your life I think you need people who have a stronger self-esteem than this guy. Maybe if you can see in your heart his pain you can forgive him a little bit more easily (doesn't excuse what he did, but understand he is in pain too). Hopefully with forgiveness you will then lift your own pain a bit.

Oh by the way ... you're not wasting HIS time, he was wasting YOUR time!!! Remember that in case he tries to contact you again.

One more thing to remember, if you were able to become thin again w/o any struggle, what would prevent you to lose sight of your health again later? The harder the struggle, the more to achieve, the more likely to keep yourself at your goal. This is not a setback, but a reminder of what you've been working toward.

I wish you inner-peace & lots of love.




"Only when we are sick of our sickness shall we cease to be sick."

~ Lao-Tzu, from The Tao Te Cheng



"Only when we are sick of our sickness shall we cease to be sick."

~ Lao-Tzu, from The Tao Te Cheng
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2007
In reply to: shellrw
Mon, 05-17-2010 - 3:59pm
First of all the guy is a jerk and I hope you realize that.
Second of all the best revenge is looking great...You will see how fast you will lose weight and get yourself in the great shape. Thank the jerk for that....
What happened to you is horrible and a big hit to your self esteem....But you will get through this and become a stronger women for it.
Don't fight back get even.....
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2010
In reply to: shellrw
Sun, 06-06-2010 - 4:12pm

First of all, many kudos to you for the weight loss!

anotherseyes

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2010
In reply to: shellrw
Mon, 06-07-2010 - 1:19am

I've got to jump on the bandwagon and tell you this guy is a jerk like everybody else. And maybe he just can't handle/didn't want a relationship at all and needed a way to get out of it, so he blamed your looks. It's not your fault at all.

Seriously, don't dig a hole and hide yourself. Keep wearing these skirts and high heels. Even if you're overweight, who says you can't be pretty nonetheless? Being chubby doesn't necessarily make you ugly just because the magazines tell you you should look like a stick figure. If you're told you're pretty, you probably are. There's no point in hiding your beauty just because some random idiot has a problem with you being the way you are.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2007
In reply to: shellrw
Mon, 06-14-2010 - 7:44pm

Sweetie.....you don't need my help....you got it right the first time!!!


Good for you for walking out that door!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2004
In reply to: shellrw
Mon, 06-14-2010 - 8:31pm

Thank-you for responding. I've been just watching what I eat and how much. I do exercise a little when I have time. I'm eating healthier, too. I haven't worn skirts in a long time. I didn't think I could ever wear high heels again 'cause I sprained my ankle a couple years ago and was afraid to wear them - in that I'd re-injure it. But I really wanted to and now I'm glad I did 'cause it makes me feel good.

My big thing is working on my self-esteem. It's been a life-long process. This is probably the toughest thing for me. I'm always comparing myself to others.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2007
In reply to: shellrw
Mon, 06-14-2010 - 9:00pm

Oh, my ds lost about 20 pounds simply counting calories, etc.

Avatar for firstglimpse
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
In reply to: shellrw
Tue, 06-15-2010 - 5:34pm

How is this?

"Comparing yourself to others is human nature. Actually, it's Mother Nature's way of keeping the species going."

I can understand in the mating process, but not in other ways? I'm curious as to why it may be used outside of mating?

I know this may be taken as argumentative - it is NOT. I really am curious of your thoughts & open to absorb them.

Thanks.




"Only when we are sick of our sickness shall we cease to be sick."

~ Lao-Tzu, from The Tao Te Cheng



"Only when we are sick of our sickness shall we cease to be sick."

~ Lao-Tzu, from The Tao Te Cheng

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