How do I get rid of an abuser?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2009
How do I get rid of an abuser?
Sun, 05-23-2010 - 2:37am
I have been living with AH for six years. In that six years, I have been treated basically like a prostitute. No kissing during sex, no foreplay and basically a wham, bam, thank you ma'am situation. Although, we have a lot in common, I also believe AH has been cheating on me for a number of years. #1, he went to a parts place where they get their own parts and came home empty handed until, of course, I went with him and then instead of being gone for six hours straight without the part, he got it in an hour and a half. He came home during these times, non dirty nor with a stamp on his hand and long blond hairs all over his shirt which he tried to say was his stating he was new to this and couldn't get the part off. He also told me during this time that he did have somewhere he could go. And he was so dirty sexually that it was strange for him. I mean going from sex one time a week to sex three times a day and all this weird stuff. I have worked with a few people that has worked with him in the past that has told me that all he did was flirt up females on his breaks. I finally caught him later at a different job on the phone with a drug addicted whore from his work who he also stuck up for when she was harassing me . I am still seeing this jerk even though I just bought a house and he couldn't get anything if his life depended on it due to bad credit. I have been abused by him mentally, physically, and sexually for the past six years. Can you imagine being told how old, ugly and what a hag you are? (He's only five years younger than me.) Not to mention all the black eyes and other bruises I have taken from this creep. He helps me out with my bills. But what can I do to build a self esteem and also keep the roof over my head from the bills I have now? I really need to say goodbye to this creep. But am unsure of how to do so without going bankrupt and how do I meet normal people. My ex was the same way except a sexual predator. Thanks.
Avatar for firstglimpse
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Mon, 05-24-2010 - 5:02pm

Who is your support? Do you have family? Do you have friends? What about a therapist? I'm not sure what AH stands for, I'm guessing Abusive Husband, but not 100% if you're married or not.

If you have not already, then you do not want to get pregnant with this man. Both my sisters were in abusive situations. My younger sister married to a sex addict (still married but he's getting treatment) & my older sister described sex w/her ex-H has you've described it here. Her's became so bad her life was nearly taken more than once. In fact the worst time, her eldest daughter, probably 7 at the time, tried to go get help, but her grandmother blocked the doors & would not let my niece get her mother help.

It only gets worse.

I fear - you have to leave BEFORE you get a self-esteem.

The reason I guess this -- I'm thinking if he smells you getting stronger what so ever, he'll only get more abusive to try to keep you where you are.

Call your local emergency room. They will probably have contacts of people, support, you can try to get help from.

Maybe it is possible you may go bankrupt. I know, it sucks, a hard hit in life -- but better to be breathing on your own than having your breath stolen from you.

I would bet when you make an affirmative decision to leave, you'll start feel your self esteem arise immediately.

My sister made a plan to leave. She quietly & carefully started to stash her 'grab' bags for about a week. She finally decided to leave her home, leave the city she loved, let go of everything she thought dear to her heart (except her children) and was willing to let others help her.

She left him with about 3 suit cases for herself & 4 children. Not a lot of stuff. Not knowing if she could take any more than that with her ever. Knowing he would hunt her down. But she did it. Less than 2 years later - found a wonderful man who didn't have children with his first marriage & gladly took on her 4 children & has been a great father to them. Their youngest is graduating from high school this month. So I think they've been married for about 14 years now. Talked to her husband about 3w ago & he still adores my sister with every fiber in his soul.

The immediate effects of leaving are TEMPORARY! Accept help from others. Maybe one day in the future you'll find a way to pay it back by helping somebody in need. But today you are in need. Accept it even from strangers. Get yourself into therapy & say to yourself, as my sister said to herself, 'I will never let another man treat me like that again.' Then learn how to treat yourself better. You cannot expect anybody to treat you well if you do not treat yourself well.

I hope you're seriously considering leaving. I hope you understand you really need to leave - not 'ought' to leave. If you have an 'ought' find the need. It's in there. The ought is probably not strong enough to get you out. The need will carry you through. I hope that make sense.

Be good to yourself. Tell yourself you deserve better, because you do. This man has some major self-esteem issues himself. No matter how hard you try, you'll never fix his esteem. This is something people have to do on their own. So take care of yourself. Go get your esteem & give it the tender loving care it needs.

I wish you peace & safety.

"Only when we are sick of our sickness shall we cease to be sick."

~ Lao-Tzu, from The Tao Te Cheng

"Only when we are sick of our sickness shall we cease to be sick."

~ Lao-Tzu, from The Tao Te Cheng
Avatar for cmkarla
Registered: 01-03-2001
Tue, 05-25-2010 - 8:50am

Hi Annabelle,

Do you have family or friends to help? What about someone from church or work that you can confide you? Please call 911 if necessary because you don't have to live in fear and danger. There is help available for women in abusive relationships and


iVillage Member
Registered: 09-10-2009
Tue, 05-25-2010 - 9:17am
also, document EVERYTHING. every instance of abuse, physical or verbal, needs to be recorded, even if it's something that seems trivial to you (like getting poked or pinched, for example). write it down. go to the doctor for all injuries so that you'll have medical documentation as well.