Anyone depressed on here?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2010
Anyone depressed on here?
13
Fri, 06-04-2010 - 12:03pm


I've been clinically depressed for over 2 years! I know, I cannot believe it myself. I've been trying to self diagnose for that long as well and I'm pretty certain that it is a clinical depression I have because I have completed the check list and have 8/10 symptoms short of suicidal ideation and not being able to get out of bed. At best, I have a severe case of "regular" depression. Other disorders I came up with by online research are: a moderate case of OCD (obsessive racing thoughts albeit no physical manifestations) and extreme anxiety. I also believe to have suffered a nervous breakdown about 2 years ago.

I am able to function at a low level because I have been going to work. Then again I babysit an infant for a living so the amount of responsibilities is limited. Please know, I do a good job caring for this infant however, I also do cry on the job and obviously the ongoing depression has been a contributing factor to me not doing my best while there. I FAKE IT all the time, smile when around parents, etc.

Parties, socializing- forget it. I don't have medical insurance so getting on anti depressants is not an option right now but I am working on getting a coverage. But it may be another FEW MONTHS before I get insurance and my depression is getting worse and worse every week. As a matter of fact, my friend has some left over prescription for Lexapro and it is about a 60 day supply, do you think I should just try it? The only thing that scares me is that I experience side effects and I am not under medical care.

I KNOW THE ROOT OF MY DEPRESSION and I would love to share that with you all but I am running out of time to write this so I will most likely add to this post later but for now I desperate to know and therefore I am asking you if you think I should start on the Lexapro that my friend is offering. Seems "harmless" right? So many of these drugs are trial and error anyway is what I am thinking.

I will be awaiting your replies anxiously.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-10-2009
Fri, 06-04-2010 - 2:47pm

hey, stella, welcome to the board. you're definitely not the only one here who has felt down at some point. i get depressed every december and june, without fail, and

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2010
Fri, 06-04-2010 - 10:51pm

okay, I'm back to explain things further. I'm not a good writer as English isn't my first language so please bear with me.

So, as I've already said, I have been depressed for over TWO! years and the major reason, from what I've gathered, is a very strong, extreme sense of regret couple with self loathing. When I did my own google based research, I actually discovered that the two symptoms combined can be those of atypical depression. Look up the full definition if you'd like, it sheds more light into it, including things like, I feel better when i receive a compliment but regress when i receive criticism. The not being able to process criticism part is obviously very characteristic of low self esteem and I definitely have the issue but back to the regret for minute-

It's almost everyday that I get up and have the same intrusive, obsessive thoughts circling my mind:"Why did I do that? Why did I say that?*I'm so embarrassed and ashamed that I did that"and so on. It is GUILT of the highest degree. The kind of guilt that makes you paralyzed when recalling those unpleasant memories. It could be anything taken from my life even high school and elementary school. I've been recalling and analyzing things like the time I hit my friend in third grade and she cried. Fyi, I was not a particularly emotionally disturbed kid but got in trouble a few times for insubordination.

With this depression I also developed a strong sense of self hate/self-loathing.
I started to BELIEVE that people hate me. And those who don't hate me just don't know me very well, is what I tell myself ALL TEH TIME. I've developed some minor paranoia such as that people talk bad things behind my back, appear friendly but deep down cannot stand me, etc. The "sane" part of me understands that these are distorted perceptions but nevertheless, they're still a part of the loopy thinking that occurs on daily basis.It's like I'm stuck with these thoughts forever. Sometimes I feel like I'm going insane.

The guilt is about a variety of situations, collected from over 33 years of my life (my age). Mistakes I've made professionally, especially. People I've offended, hurtful things I've said, the fact I couldn't keep a job for a good portion of my 20s. I've been a job hopper my whole life, it wasn't until my late 20s that I started to not lose them as frequently. My current job has lasted 2 years, the one before that 1 year but they're the longest ones I've had.

I have done AN EXTENSIVE research on possible mental disorders I may have and came up with very little- histrionic personality, which basically means a very insecure person with mood swings. Definitely not bi polar according to numerous quizzes I took online unless there;s some sub-type or I only exhibit minor characteristics. The bi-polar diagnosis has been a tricky one to solve on my own. Too many variables to consider but again, on the most part, I think it's a no. Also, possible re-occurring depression because I have had a couple of bouts already BUT NOT LIKE THIS and not for this long. And the reasons were more acceptable like a health diagnosis, death, etc.Situational stuff.

A huge part of this self loathing is my extremely low self esteem, which I've always had but perhaps not to this extent. I always suspected that I had low self esteem but I never was able to evaluate my situation properly until recently. It's almost as I never realized that my emotionally distant parents could have contributed to my issues until my husband pointed that out. Speaking of analysis you get 20 years too late, huh?

This self reflection was proceeded by an altercation with a former co-worker with whom I had a falling out with over work issues like the fact that I was accused of stealing his clients, etc. The co-worker said she hated me and i was a bad person and a ruthless sales person because of how aggressive I've been at my job, which is all about getting sales. Yes, I did attempt to steal clients, my boss sort of encouraged this cut throat behavior but later turned against me.
I'm sure I've been called names before but not really to my face.

For some reason this was a major trigger for this depression. My intuition tells me that it was probably years of build up that caused this reaction like feeling as I really am that bad ruthless person I've been described. Because I've always been an aggressive person but only I knew it's a defense mechanism on my part. Side note: I came to this country when in high school, barely spoke English, had almost no friends in hs, felt very lonely and experienced some minor bullying. Part of my personality can be a bit abrasive as a result but I've been told that I am a sweet person too.

And guess what? I AM the person my co-worker described, at least at that point in time. I was getting overly aggressive at work and developed a reputation of someone who gets the job done no matter what, even by alienating co-workers. I really was ruthless, I've lost sight of things. I had an abrasive attitude toward a few people, I've said mean things. I also have since apologized to some but it's obviously too late. Btw, this was at my old job, I have since resigned because I couldn't stand everyone judging me, I felt like they all knew that I was a bad person.

As soon as I left that job I started to experience a deep sense of loss and regret. Somehow during the last 2 years, it spiraled down into deep depression over coulda, shoulda and most importantly: "who am I?" "am I really the person they describe?" The answer I came up was "yes, i behaved terribly but I am actually a good person"
Not enough because OTHERS STILL KNOW.

However, what I'm left with is the regret AND knowledge that my professional reputation was effected. Also, I've been evaluating how i've been behaving in my life in general and decided that i had a crappy attitude about many things. I've been known to act arrogant (to disguise insecurity), shallow and inconsiderate.

The depression creeped up when I realized that some people WILL ALWAYS know that and think of me in a negative way.
So the obsession with how others PERCEIVE ME kicked into full gear.

I don't have medical insurance but have found a psychologist who is doing a sliding scale with me so my 45 minutes visits cost me about $40 and I can afford to go every other week. I've seen him a few times without great results. I like him, however, he seems to want to help me but I think is also confused what I'm actually struggling with. I keep telling him it's depression but then introduce so much other stuff like self esteem, co dependency in relationships, perfectionism, OCD and existentialism questions and he probably just gets overwhelmed.

Just one of the hundreds of questions that run through my mind on daily basis would be:
-how can i possibly face people again that have such a negative opinion about me? eg, if i ran into one of them at a grocery store? this would be enough of a trigger to start ruminating about what they think of me. See, the pre-occupation with how others perceive me.
it spills into everything else in my life such as, I've had a couple of friends who just stopped taking my calls for no reason so I've convinced myself that they've finally figured out that I am not a nice person. Then the dwelling starts. Who else dropped out of my life in 30+ years?

Lastly, I've read a dozen of self help books in my lifetime. Stuff about self forgiveness, how some of us mature slowly, to appreciate life for the lessons it gives us, etc. It resonates but doesn't help. I still can't let go. Is this a disorder?

Intellectually, I understand that I am not well but I can't help it.
Please help me sort through this? Have I lost my mind? I have had a few episodes of dissociation already, feeling like life isn't real...

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2010
Sun, 06-06-2010 - 4:25pm

Stella,


I have both a family history, as well as personal history with mental health disorders.

anotherseyes

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2006
Mon, 06-07-2010 - 11:18am

forgive me in advance, because i'm going to ask lots of questions:


does feeling guilty make you feel good somehow? are you trying to make yourself believe that you actually are a bad person?


i'm sure that the paranoia you experience about what others are saying about you is rooted in insecurity. have you always felt insecure? where do you think it stems from?


i wonder if you became depressed from the work situation because you were acting one way on the outside (ruthless, arrogant) but are actually quite different on the inside. sometimes when the outside and inside don't match up that can cause depression because, like you said, you lose sight of things.


how do you think that your emotionally distant parents contributed to your self-esteem issues?


and my last question: who ARE you? not "who do others think you are", but who are you, really? give me 5 words that would

Avatar for firstglimpse
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Mon, 06-07-2010 - 2:39pm

I have not read your 2nd post & I have to run now so I'll have to come back later & give it some attention, but wanted to post...

DO NOT TAKE THE LEX.

Sorry, but one of the side effects of these type of meds is suicide. Also, if there is any possibility of something like manic/depressive it could put a person into mania. My H was depressed for about 2 years & went into an Antidepressant induced manic episode. What I learned during that time is it can last up to 2 years without getting onto anti-psychotics.

Also it takes about 3 weeks for an antidepressant to work & it takes about that long to wean from the medication. So 30 days would only be enough to possibly mess up your mind/body.

Sorry, after having my MIL commit suicide as a result of an AD & my H going into mania I want to warn people to not take w/o good directions from a doctor, preferably a psychiatrist.

....

I'll come back later & give your 2nd post more attention.

I hope you find something to smile about today :)




"Only when we are sick of our sickness shall we cease to be sick."

~ Lao-Tzu, from The Tao Te Cheng



"Only when we are sick of our sickness shall we cease to be sick."

~ Lao-Tzu, from The Tao Te Cheng
Avatar for firstglimpse
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Mon, 06-07-2010 - 4:01pm

So when I started to read your post (before I got to your parents) my first thought - did she have narcissistic parents?

(Look up the DSM-IV for narcissism)

My father emotionally left when I was 3 (started another family) and divorced I'm guessing while I was in the 2nd grade & barely ever heard from him again. My mother is me-diagnosed as a narcissist.

One of the traits of a person who is raised by a narcissist is to be completely cruel to self for treating others poorly. So some things that would not bother a 'normal' person will send us to great depths of remorse & guilt.

One of the things that have helped me greatly is to understand my parents can & never will know how to display love & understand I do not need this from them. The best person to give us this love - ourself. It's not easy. It takes a lot of practice. But we are the only person we can count on to really love us correctly.

Maybe if you could let go of a label you can help your therapist help you. Maybe you don't need a label right now. This is something that takes time. There is no absolute test to diagnose people with a mental or emotional disorder. It takes time for a professional to weed through it all.

I have been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder. Not one specifically, but it's just understood I suffer from one of them. I have gotten to the point where I can go out socially, but the problem is the night (or two) afterwards when I stay up all night reliving every moment & I start to self-criticize everything I said or did. Thinking of all the ways I may have hurt another person. It is torturous. I'm not sure if this is the adult child of a narcissist or anxiety or what.

Now if you feel you really need to be on medication may I suggest you look up your local chapter of NAMI.org. (National Association for Mental Illness) They will know of places you can go w/o insurance to get help. In our area we have a place called Life Works.

If there is not a NAMI in your area then call your local hospital emergency room. The number 1 reason people go to the emergency room is for depression related reasons. Therefore they will also have information of where you can find resources for help.

I often wonder if maybe I have depression, but the more I think about it I realize for me it's simply a low self-esteem & other medical concerns. Such as, I have nasal polyps which restricts breathing a great deal. This will keep me exhausted, makes sleep difficult & mental clarity a mess. I had nose surgery 2 years ago, but the polyps are already back (have been for over a year) and I cannot afford another surgery.

There could be other possible medical causes that mimic depression. So once you get insurance get a physical.

Until you find what is wrong, maybe if you can make sure your diet is as whole as possible, eat vitamin B rich foods, take an omega supplement, drink 8-10 glasses of water a day & take a daily walk and/or yoga. Maybe these things will help putting a small light into your day .... maybe even a sunrise :)




"Only when we are sick of our sickness shall we cease to be sick."

~ Lao-Tzu, from The Tao Te Cheng



"Only when we are sick of our sickness shall we cease to be sick."

~ Lao-Tzu, from The Tao Te Cheng
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2010
Mon, 06-07-2010 - 11:55pm

"I often wonder if maybe I have depression, but the more I think about it I realize for me it's simply a low self-esteem & other medical concerns. Such as, I have nasal polyps which restricts breathing a great deal. This will keep me exhausted, makes sleep difficult & mental clarity a mess. I had nose surgery 2 years ago, but the polyps are already back (have been for over a year) and I cannot afford another surgery. "


This is very true.

anotherseyes

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2010
Fri, 06-11-2010 - 11:30pm

you said:
"does feeling guilty make you feel good somehow? are you trying to make yourself believe that you actually are a bad person?"

No, feeling guilty is NOT a pleasant emotion. It is a horrible feeling that has driven me to the current state of madness, and I am not exaggerating the madness part as I often feel like I'm actually going insane from the countless hours (2 years exactly) I've spent analyzing my life and the mistakes I've made.

you said:
"i'm sure that the paranoia you experience about what others are saying about you is rooted in insecurity. have you always felt insecure? where do you think it stems from?"

I have always felt insecure to a certain extent but nothing this extreme. I've always been a hyper-vigilant child/teen/adult about issues dealing with intelligence and social status. Coming to this country as a young adult, I've always been extra sensitive about my accent, the way I express myself and things that have to do with "sounding proper" grammatically, being articulate enough, etc. I've always had a lot of insecurity about being liked, accepted and respected. I crave being popular but it isn;t easy for me because although I do have an outgoing personality, I also do have a very low self-esteem, which gets in a way of forming "normal", highly functioning relationships. For example, if I suspect that someone may not like me, I withdraw immediately or become confrontational, sort of hiding my insecurity behind arrogance.
Where do I think it stems from? I'm sure it's rooted in my childhood, isn;t everything? Also, my mother, although a very nice woman and a good person, was never very involved emotionally and didn't have a strong nurturing side. It doesn't help that she seems to never realized the fact and actually says that it is ME who has always had a "difficult" personality. Somehow I believe that many of my issues come from not getting much attention from my parents. They met my basic needs in a material sense but were not very involved in my emotional development. I sort of raised myself, if that makes sense.

you said:
"i wonder if you became depressed from the work situation because you were acting one way on the outside (ruthless, arrogant) but are actually quite different on the inside. sometimes when the outside and inside don't match up that can cause depression because, like you said, you lose sight of things."

quite possible. Never thought about it this way.

you said:
"how do you think that your emotionally distant parents contributed to your self-esteem issues?"

I touched upon it above. Also, I must say that my parents never did anything that would be considered damaging to one's self esteem- I was not criticized very often, never told I was ugly/incompetent/ stupid, etc. I was sometimes told that I did good at school, was pretty, smart, etc. but nothing excessive. But they also never inquired about how I was really doing. That may be because I rarely led on that there was something wrong with me emotionally. I just dealt with it on my own. They call it "difficult" personality.

you said:
"and my last question: who ARE you? not "who do others think you are", but who are you, really? give me 5 words that would describe what you're like deep down inside."

A very difficult question for me to answer, really.
In more than 5 words: insecure. snarky. overly-analytical-dwells too much on the past. tries to be a good person- but thinks of herself as a failure.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2006
Sun, 06-13-2010 - 5:41pm

your issues probably do stem from your relationship with your parents (not blaming them, just thinking). you said that you never led on when there was something wrong and you dealt with it yourself; was that due to a bad experience (e.g., maybe you got yelled at for crying), or was that how your parents behaved? maybe they just assumed that you were fine.


let me ask you this: what is so bad about someone not liking you? what would happen if you didn't "fit in"?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2007
Mon, 06-14-2010 - 8:27pm

Since you are proactive in your wellbeing, I would suggest that you do a little research on Dysthymic Disorder.

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