I feel like such a freak

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2010
I feel like such a freak
Mon, 06-07-2010 - 2:23am

Hey, I am new here and chances are this is going to be a novel right away...

anyway, I feel like a total alien. It's like I am different from everyone else.
I acquired nerd status in kindergarten (for wanting to bring my own books and being able to read medical terms aloud without getting a knot into my tongue). School was one long chain of boredom, drudgery, resignation, bullying (on the receiving end) and despair. I had no one to talk to. People my age would usually not understand what I was talking about, go like "who cares? Who wants to know this?", people above my age mostly thought I should socialize with my age-mates. I just don't have a hard time understanding abstract concepts, that's all.

I felt like I didn't belong anywhere. Still do.
It was worse at school than now at university. But even now, I feel I don't belong. I've lost my drive, my ability to motivate myself, due to years of jumping through hoop after hoop to get where I am now, and now I feel I'm going nowhere because I just CAN'T jump through hoops anymore, I'm tired.
I don't study for my math finals (I'm a double major, computer science and mathematics), I don't plagiarize my assignments, and both get me looked at like an animal in a zoo. I build castles in the air when I'm in a class where I don't know the basics. I just pretend I do for the time being, and can follow the explanations to some extent. People think I'm crazy for that, too. Yeah, and the "thinking of two or three things at the same time" thing doesn't help either, neither does the "making mental leaps and weird associations all the time", especially when one of them shows in a conversation.
People don't get off my back about my reading either. I usually read rather fast the first time I read something - to get the general idea. Sometimes they even wonder whether I really read or just pretend I do, or they say "you freak me out" or stuff like that. Even my boyfriend says something EVERY time he sees me read. (Which is quite a lot.)

I don't know. I have no idea what's wrong with me. I don't know if what I meant got across. I just feel like something's wrong with me. Like I'm somehow weird and not okay. Like I should change myself and fit in, but I tried to do that and it didn't work at all. I just made a fool of myself.

Sorry for bothering you with this but maybe someone has some useful input?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2006
Mon, 06-07-2010 - 8:50am
you're not a freak. you're just really smart. i was labeled a nerd throughout school and it really bothered me, too, but now i don't care (i think i'm a lot older than you, though - i'm 33). i can tell you that it does get easier. not making friends, necessarily, because that gets harder for everyone, but just becoming more comfortable with yourself. what are your hobbies and interests outside of school? try focusing more on the things that you enjoy and less on how you *think* you're perceived by others. you will be fine :)
Avatar for firstglimpse
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Mon, 06-07-2010 - 2:20pm

I don't know if you can 'pretend' dumb. I keep laughing trying to think of an intelligent person trying to sound dumb ... the only result I imagine in my head is a smart person having social problems.

Nah, be yourself!

As a parent I've learned, the things that make childhood difficult are the very things that are going to make your child go far into adulthood. For example, my 5yo is so persistent! This drives me crazy as a parent & I'm sure it will bother her friends & teachers ... but this drive will be her adult success!

Your almost done with this time period of misunderstanding. You're going to be a valuable employee (and probably employer) quite soon now.

As for the multiple thoughts. That can get a bet bothersome having your mind jump all around. I have 2 supplement suggestions. Omega-3 (fish form) and oat extract (tincture). There is also a computer program that helps people learn to focus on one thing. It's called PlayAttention.

... but don't completely discount your jumpy mind. I think some of my best solutions from problems is the ability to look at something from so many different angles all at once. Plus it is great for multi-tasking. But with age, I find it more difficult to have my brain running everywhere. I have to have everything on a schedule or nothing gets done. Omega & Oats do help though. I haven't tried the PlayAttention. But I do use things like sudoku to help calm the anxieties from multiple thoughts.


"Only when we are sick of our sickness shall we cease to be sick."

~ Lao-Tzu, from The Tao Te Cheng

"Only when we are sick of our sickness shall we cease to be sick."

~ Lao-Tzu, from The Tao Te Cheng
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2007
Mon, 06-14-2010 - 8:52pm

ROFLOL........Sweetie...You're a "Scanner"....lol.