I feel like such a freak
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|Mon, 06-07-2010 - 2:23am|
Hey, I am new here and chances are this is going to be a novel right away...
anyway, I feel like a total alien. It's like I am different from everyone else.
I acquired nerd status in kindergarten (for wanting to bring my own books and being able to read medical terms aloud without getting a knot into my tongue). School was one long chain of boredom, drudgery, resignation, bullying (on the receiving end) and despair. I had no one to talk to. People my age would usually not understand what I was talking about, go like "who cares? Who wants to know this?", people above my age mostly thought I should socialize with my age-mates. I just don't have a hard time understanding abstract concepts, that's all.
I felt like I didn't belong anywhere. Still do.
It was worse at school than now at university. But even now, I feel I don't belong. I've lost my drive, my ability to motivate myself, due to years of jumping through hoop after hoop to get where I am now, and now I feel I'm going nowhere because I just CAN'T jump through hoops anymore, I'm tired.
I don't study for my math finals (I'm a double major, computer science and mathematics), I don't plagiarize my assignments, and both get me looked at like an animal in a zoo. I build castles in the air when I'm in a class where I don't know the basics. I just pretend I do for the time being, and can follow the explanations to some extent. People think I'm crazy for that, too. Yeah, and the "thinking of two or three things at the same time" thing doesn't help either, neither does the "making mental leaps and weird associations all the time", especially when one of them shows in a conversation.
People don't get off my back about my reading either. I usually read rather fast the first time I read something - to get the general idea. Sometimes they even wonder whether I really read or just pretend I do, or they say "you freak me out" or stuff like that. Even my boyfriend says something EVERY time he sees me read. (Which is quite a lot.)
I don't know. I have no idea what's wrong with me. I don't know if what I meant got across. I just feel like something's wrong with me. Like I'm somehow weird and not okay. Like I should change myself and fit in, but I tried to do that and it didn't work at all. I just made a fool of myself.
Sorry for bothering you with this but maybe someone has some useful input?