Can't Cope With Random Meanness

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2002
Can't Cope With Random Meanness
9
Sun, 07-11-2010 - 8:12am

I am a wreck from weeks of lost sleep and stress.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-10-2009
Mon, 07-12-2010 - 11:44am

if the meanness that you're experiencing is random, then that would mean that it just happens for no reason, right? so, therefore, you couldn't be the reason behind it. people are just like that sometimes, and it's easier to pick up on it when you are by yourself (being in a group mutes it but it's still there).


based on how you described your past, it sounds like you might have become

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2002
Tue, 07-13-2010 - 3:12pm

Well, for example, the other day I had to travel to a place uptown to stay while waiting for my apartment to be available.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2010
Tue, 07-13-2010 - 11:50pm

The cab incident would not have bothered me and I am very think skinned.

Getting de-friended from FB does bother me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2002
Wed, 07-14-2010 - 11:39am

How do you get de-friended from FB (I assume Facebook)?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2010
Sun, 07-18-2010 - 4:29pm
It is when someone doesn't care to be associated with you anymore. Huge blow to my ego, always.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2002
Mon, 07-19-2010 - 8:26am

Well, you know the saying, "no one can make you feel inferior without your consent".

Nobody is going to be liked by everyone, right? If someone doesn't want to associate with you anymore, there could be many reasons, more to do with them than you.

If people are direct about it, I so prefer that. My pet peeve is passive-aggressiveness.

With regard to this thread, I guess I just feel that negative behavior creates a ripple effect in society, whereas politeness and consideration will always have a beneficial effect on public and private morale.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2010
Mon, 07-19-2010 - 9:27pm

"no one can make you feel inferior without your consent"

I'm not sure what that means in practical terms? How does one not care what others think when one is already full of self-loathing?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2002
Tue, 07-20-2010 - 11:42am

Well that's it. We have to work on building our own self-esteem. I know, it's hard to not care what others think. But when you think about it, what do they know? They're just fragile human beings like us, no matter how tough and confident they might pretend to be.

I'm only too aware that knowing and doing are 2 different things. Ideally I would like to be able to have higher self-esteem; others' actions bother you less then. But there is that old strength in numbers thing, and the group does tend to dominate. I have tried going it alone and not caring, but besides not being good for one's emotional health, it also tends to encourage group hostility (groups don't like lone rebels much).

So building self-esteem seems to be the thing. 12 step groups can be very helpful for that, for example. In 12 step they say we are people who feel we haven't been given the rulebook for living; that we tend to have huge egos and very low self-esteem, and the more productive way is to combine humility with high self esteem, achieved by doing esteemable things.

It's not easy building self esteem. I am trying to be completely me without pressure from groups; to be strong and confident with who I am, and then be a part of groups as a strong individual, not a super fragile person who can be pushed this way and that like a leaf in the wind.

I've achieved some of the confidence, and have conquered some of the fragility; but not enough yet.

I hope you find ways to feel better about yourself; then others' opinions will carry far less weight. Good luck to you.

I have found David Viscott's "Finding Your Strength in Difficult Times" to be very helpful, and I keep it with me as a constant resource. One section/meditation on "Unreasonable People" is helping me now. In short, they gain their power from your reaction; so just dismiss them and be yourself.

Take care,
Anne

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-10-2009
Sat, 07-24-2010 - 8:22pm
i think it's easier to be rude but i don't know why. is it something in our nature, maybe just selfishness? i agree with what you said about huge egos and little self-esteem - it's easy to build up the outside while neglecting the inside.