Is it low self esteem or is mental abuse

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2010
Is it low self esteem or is mental abuse
9
Fri, 07-16-2010 - 4:43pm
Hello, I have been really going through tough times with my husband of 8 years.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Sat, 07-17-2010 - 2:07pm

A book I read called "How To Survive When They're Depressed" used the very example you did. Where the father was short-tempered with wife and children & as soon as the phone rang he could be completely pleasant and nice with the person on the phone.

Try going to depressionfallout.com and see if this sounds like what you're going through.

I have no idea of your H's age, but if he's getting close to midlife that might be a reason into his possible depression ??? Sometimes men can show signs in their 30s. So maybe you might want to look into that too?

I hope whatever it is, it's short lived. Maybe once you realize what it is you can turn inward & treat yourself with better respect and create a space between yourself & his current abuses. Maybe you can even learn to speak to him, letting him know how you feel, without making him feel threatened. It's hard to do and you'll probably need to read up on how to do it, but I have seen it work with my H. In fact, I used a technique from the 'how to survive' book I mentioned above.

Don't forget to treat yourself to something special - you deserve it when taking on somebody else's moods.

Peace




"Only when we are sick of our sickness shall we cease to be sick."

~ Lao-Tzu, from The Tao Te Cheng



"Only when we are sick of our sickness shall we cease to be sick."

~ Lao-Tzu, from The Tao Te Cheng
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2010
Sat, 07-17-2010 - 3:22pm
Thanks I will get that book and read it. Sometimes I think it lack of respect, but I have done nothing that he could possible have disrespect for.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2007
Sun, 07-18-2010 - 5:56pm

1. Back off--Women are very nurturing; but when your spouse is going through an emotional crisis, learn to back off. Why? Because

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-10-2009
Sat, 07-24-2010 - 7:59pm
it does sound like he is depressed, or at least stressed out. if my husband were acting that way i would back off and treat him the way he was treating me. the nicer you are to him, the ruder he's going to be to you. i don't know why it works that way but it does. he needs to learn that you won't put up with that kind of behavior, so be civil and respectful up to a point but don't go beyond that point. don't be extra nice or super-accommodating. save the nice stuff for yourself, because you deserve it right now :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2010
Mon, 07-26-2010 - 2:31pm
Hi thanks for the great advise.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-10-2009
Tue, 07-27-2010 - 8:06am
good for you! always protect yourself first.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2008
Wed, 07-28-2010 - 7:23pm

Hi gardengirl, I can so relate to you. I have been having the same issues with my SO. I think people hurt the one's they love the most the most often. In other words, you are there for him, present in his life and maybe he feels safe letting his feelings out on you more than other people. It isn't the correct way to deal with pressure but I am sure it happens quite often. I think the challenge is to let it roll off of your back or bounce it right back at him. It is hard not to take it personally but I think the only way to remain sane is to let him own his own depression. When my BF gets in his 'moods' I just let him be and make my day as perfect as I can for myself.

I am now learning to tell it like it is. Heaven knows life is short and we deserve to be loved and respected. Tell him you expect it to go both ways. I think men have a hard time communicating their feelings and if you say what you expect and deserve you might be surprised that he will come through. Lets hope anyway;)

hang in there, Ollie

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2010
Fri, 07-30-2010 - 12:20pm
Hi Ollie, thanks for your support.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2010
Sun, 08-29-2010 - 9:58pm
I agree with you on this one. I my self seem to be in the same position, my husband after 33 yrs is behaving in the same manner. It has gotten to so bad my three sons are starting to treat me the same way. Well I will not put up with it. I am going on with my life and if they want to be there they will have to realize that I will not take their crap, so get back on track or I will be HAPPY by myself. Good Luck girl and hang in there.
autumnlj
autumnlj