So Overwhelmed

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2010
So Overwhelmed
2
Fri, 08-06-2010 - 9:01pm

I am currently a single mother of 3 children ranging from 10months to 4 years old and I feel like my life is completly going down hill. I am a recent RN and I feel that I am really stuck on mistakes that I have made and it is pulling me down. I also have come to grips with the point that I am slightly co-dependant and I rely on others and a man to help me to feel complete. I have been trying to seek some type of mental couseling but in the area I am currently residing in it is so hard to find anything without a 6 week wait. It seems like in the past couple of months the friends I have had for years have turned their back on me and I really have no one that is an adult to talk to about things. I want to get myself together because I feel that my kids can sense my stress and bad feelings for myself and I want to just get better so that I can get my focus back to them. I feel I can't think clearly to look at the options, if anyone has any opinions it would be great.

Avatar for firstglimpse
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Sat, 08-07-2010 - 2:07pm

{{ hugs }}

As we age having, keeping, making friends seems to be more and more difficult. Especially while our children are so young. Things do change once you start getting them into things such as preschool.

I chose to put my kids in what was called "playschool" provided by our parks and recreation center. I liked I was able to select as many days as I wanted as I could not afford much, that it was only for a short time and it focused on play rather than academics. Getting kids that activity helps a lot at home.

Then b/c it was really a Parks & Rec class they did not open their doors early to accept or release the kids. So parents gathered outside the door waiting. I didn't realize how much these tiny 5 minute adult social interaction meant until the 1st summer.

Now I have one in elementary (okay two starting in Sep) and I volunteer at like the class parties. There are also birthday parties & our school has parent come to lunch day once a month too. There are also PTO/PTA meetings and after school events. Now, it's not like these become deep seeded friendships, but, again it give adult interaction what tends to be a great release no matter how small.

Oh yeah, I work at home - so maybe I'm more deprived of adult interaction than most and desperate for anything ... but I find even a few minute here and there is very helpful.

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There is a website called meetup.org. I've used this a couple of times. You find a group of people with a specific desire. For example, if you love to knit, there may be a knitting group. I you love to hike, there might be a hiking group.

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What has probably helped me the most ... I'm going to start with a quote, not sure who originally said it, on the Internet it's attributed to various people, but....

"The definition of forgiveness is giving up all hope for a better past."

Forgiveness is for ourselves, nobody else, no matter who you need to forgive, even it is yourself. Part of forgiveness is learning to let go. It's not easy, but I know (from my experience) some separation is definitely possible. At least enough to breath and to start to accept life as it is today. If we spend all of our time living in the past &/or future we are not living as life is only possible in the now.

Learning about meditation is a great place to start. When you learn how to meditate you learn how to let go of everything around except for breath. Breath is an amazing healing component of life. People have used breath to heal themselves from all sorts of ailments. I would not be surprised when you finally get in with a therapist (it is that long of a wait here too) that meditation is recommended.

There are many different ways to meditate and many resources to start. The easiest would probably be at your local library. Checkout an audio, then as you settle in for sleep slip on a pair of headphones & start the practice.

Or maybe even easier, if you have iTunes, is to checkout podcasts. There is one I found on iTunes, but you don't need iTunes, is called zencast.org. Now these come from a Buddhist meditation center, but if you're Christian it does not leave you out. These particular speakers focus on the philosophies of Buddhism and mediation - it does not focus on religion. (Buddhism is really not a religion.)

Yoga is a form of mediation. Though, with wee ones that might be a bit hard as they see mommy on the floor & they think it's a jungle gym :) But since you're already co-dependent on a guy - maybe he can give you 15 minutes to do a yoga routine !

Or, if you can get 2 into a stroller & someone to watch the oldest you can try walking meditation. I had always sort of felt bad b/c I had heard you're supposed to talk when you walk with your kids, but I found it so nice to have the moment of quiet. Walking meditation is basically walking and noticing your breath, the pavement under your feet, the sun being soaked in by your hair, the gentle breeze on your cheek, the leaves on the trees, etc.

One trick I learned from zencast is when you start out with a walking meditation start counting 1-10 and then 10-1, repeat. If you ever go beyond 10 you know you've let thoughts enter your head and you've lost your focus.

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Continue on my topic of walking, it's also amazing how just a little exercise every day lifts my self esteem. Dr. Oz says 30 minutes of walking every day - no excuse!

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Eating well helps too. Look at your diet? Are you eating a lot of processed foods? Could you replace one meal with whole foods? For example, I eat a bowl of steel cut or old fashioned oatmeal in the morning. Oats are known for having vitamins & minerals to calm our nerves. I suffer from anxiety & panic attacks, oats has been my main staple for recovery. I also add 1 tsp of cinnamon b/c this spice will keep blood sugar level. Then for flavor I cook with dried cranberries & if I can afford it, I'll also add in almonds for protein.

Just getting your day started with whole foods may help how you feel for the rest of the day.

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One final point. The last time I therapy shopped it was a 6 week wait everywhere, EXCEPT, for an independent therapist. Meaning, somebody not working at a clinic. Where there is ONE therapist in the office. I would say, that was my best experience with a therapist as well. My H has seen many therapists as well & his best therapist was also not associated with a clinic.

Hope something above will help a little.




"Only when we are sick of our sickness shall we cease to be sick."

~ Lao-Tzu, from The Tao Te Cheng



"Only when we are sick of our sickness shall we cease to be sick."

~ Lao-Tzu, from The Tao Te Cheng
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2006
Sun, 08-08-2010 - 6:25pm

welcome to the board, and congrats on finishing your degree! i know how hard it is and i'm really proud of you :)


i think it is very easy to get bogged down by past mistakes (i do it to myself sometimes) but my dad once told me that they're not mistakes, they're the best choices that you could've made at the time with the information that was presented to you. you have more information now than you did then, so of course hindsight is 20/20. all you can do is try to learn from what you did before, and if you don't want to repeat it then think about what you can do differently next time. that's it.


i also feel that everyone is slightly co-dependent; we need each other. don't beat yourself up for feeling like you need people. one thing you can maybe ask yourself is how/why you feel 'incomplete' without a man. i think you will be surprised at what you come up with. also, have you tried calling the friends whom you feel have deserted you, or are you just assuming that they've turned their backs on you? i'm sure that they are just busy and are probably thinking of you at this very moment.


do you know if your health insurance provides a telephone counseling service? with mine, i can call in, tell an operator my issue, and someone calls me back within the next hour and we can chat for about 20 minutes. (with my old insurance, it could be up to an hour and we could set up weekly telephone appointments if i still needed help.) the service is free but i guess it would