Belated Welcome, Shavtay2007
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Belated Welcome, Shavtay2007
| Tue, 03-20-2007 - 10:32am |
Hi Tziporah,
I am so sorry that this is such a belated welcome to you. I've been absent from the board for nearly a month - so many things have been happening in my life that it was difficult to also come here. The good news is that life has somewhat calmed down (but I'm still crossing my fingers and my toes), which means that I'm back on iVillage.
I am so very happy to see you here, participating and sharing in our conversations! I hope that we'll get to know each other better in the coming weeks.
Welcome again!
(PS: I love the sound of your name!)

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Thanks for your reply. Don't think I got to this stage in one brief session. It took years of therapy to get to this point. I think, though, since rehearsing my parents' coming before they arrived, and discussing the choices i had with my t., and also just acknowledging the anxiety, also helped. I did a lot of visualizing at alpha, enjoying being with them. That also had an impact, I believe, as did prayer. By the time I was able to say this to her, at the end of the visit, there had been the groundwork of several good communications between us and I was relaxed enough that I could say it. Basically, I was giving her the choice.
I have hurt about that book--the chronically nice book, and how nice girls don't anger others, but must always act nice and ladylike, etc. It is good you are tackling this. Can you send me the full info on the book, name and author, etc.? I'd appreciate it.
As for alpha, I feel the most relaxed doing it. Once again, I am thinking about yoga, but I am very confused about it for several reasons, so I am not sure what I will do in the end.
I'd also appreciate it if you could explain more about the heartmap. I've never heard of that before, but it sounds interesting.
Thanks for your interest and ca`ring. Tziporah
web: www.istillhavemylife.com
blog: tziporahwishky.livejournal.com
I understand better now about your concerns about disclosure, after reading this message--about the higher-ups I mean. I'm sorry that happened to you.
Who is Danielle? Tziporah
web: www.istillhavemylife.com
blog: tziporahwishky.livejournal.com
I think Poppy has said it all. Therapy is based on mutull trust and respect. I know this t. is one you like, but it seems there are still some misunderstandings about the phone appointments. This may be hard for you, but I think it's important--vitally so, for your mental health. I think you should tell her how you feel when she makes phone times and then doesn't respond. She may always have valid excuses, but the point is well taken--could she get away with this in an office visit? Except for the hospital emergency, which may be unavoidable once in a great while, the other scenarios--emailing instead of calling back, or turning the cell off, sound flimsy to me.
As you know, my t. lives outside my country and all our conversations are by phone. Over the years, he has occasionally been unable to keep an appointment because of an emergency--being called to a client, court appearance or police intervention. So I understand this is part of his job. Once he had to cancel because of a funeral in the family. In these instances, he always was able to communicate with me by having someone call to inform me, so I wasn't left in the lurch. Occasionally, he was sick with a cold and just felt too much under-the-weather. In such a case, he also communicated. Therapists are human beings and are allowed to have their personal lives. The point is, in these cases, he always let me know what was going on. I wasn't forgotten.
In other instances, he was delayed because of circumstances beyond his control--traffic jams, customs checks at the Canadian border, delay in sailing trip. In most cases, I was informed of the delay. In all these instances, when he got home, even if the hour was very late, he either kept his appointment or called to reschedule. Very rarely, has he said he couldn't fit me in anywhere.
I have also called him between appointments when I was in an emergency mode, especially the first few years, and when he couldn't talk for more than a minute, he was able to calm me down enough until the next session. Once, when the event was very traumatic, I asked him to move my session up a day and he did so.
My t. is not a saint, and neither am I. The point is, we have a mutually respectful working relationship when it comes to our relationship.
I can also say the same about fees. Once he said I owed him money and I said I had just paid. He checked his books and acknowledged the mistake was his. And when I've been late in payment from laziness, I admitted it.]
This is what you need to strive for. Ask yurself--honestly--is this t. the kind of person who can act in this kind of professional manner? If her behavior continues to be erratic, promises unkept, phone calls ignored or unanswered, you will grow more resentful, and ultimately, the lack of mutual trust and respect, plus the anxiety about never knowing where you stand--will she or won't she call back?--will ultimately undermine the therapeutic process itself. That is not a place you want to be in.
Part of therapy involves being able to tell the therapist what you think of him;her. My psychiatrist, not my t., but the one who handles my meds, is more like the t. you are working with. Once she ignored my message for weeks. In the end, I threatened to leave her practice. That got her moving--she called pronto, instantly. You can always use this leverage--if you can't deliver, I'll go somewhere else. it is unfortunate, but "money talks." After that threat, she called back and we agreed on a face-to-face meeting. She apologized, admitting she was lax in not responding. It also came out that my anger over her conduct was not only connected to her unprofessional conduct, but also connected to my own fears of abandonment--something she was not aware of. Since then, she has been more sensitive to my need for a quicker response--48 hours from my call to her. She is still not perfect, but much better.
It is important for you and your t. to discuss the underlying emotional ramifications and the feelings her lack of consistency trigger.
If she does become more responsive, great. If not, I would let her know straight out, that although you would like to work with her, if she continues to engage in this kind of inconsistent disrespectful and nonprofessional behavior, you will go somewhere else. She isn't the only fish in the sea. Tziporah
web: www.istillhavemylife.com
blog: tziporahwishky.livejournal.com
Thanks for your endorsement of my change. I will tell you about that in a second.
Firt, I see you are also going through changes yourself. I am not clear on some parts of your message: the belly dancing in a smaller space, what is happening in December, and the thing about your looking for a new job. Can you explain?
I haven't forgotten about the goat, either. How did that go? Did you end up cooking it with your dad?
Since my parents left, I have started writing again. I don't want to say too much on this, because I do not want my enthusiasm for my current writing project to be dampened. But I am writing something about my blindness in a certain format and it has been both emotionally healing and mentally challenging to write within the structure I have set for myself.
I am also enjoying it.
I like setting myself these kinds of mental challenges. For example, I give lessons on the Scriptures and I will sometimes use a set structure. One year, I based every lesson on a certain book of parables. Each lesson had to be based on the theme of the parable presented for that week's lesson.
Being forced to comply within a structure like that forces me to work harder mentally--like exercising physically on a resistance machine.
The thing I really wanted to write about is this coaching thing. I just can't get back into it. My therapist has questioned me on it--you can count on him for his probing--and I had to admit, reluctantly, it had to do with the anxiety. The business parts of it is what is really getting me anxious. He said: "do you always want to remain comfortable, avoiding the discomfort? Always safe, never taking risks?" that's part of it. it is also because someone, an important person, not my husband, suggested that he was unsure whether coaching is really where i should be heading. Since then, the enthusiasm for it hasjust gone out. It also has to do with my patern of trying things out for a few weeks or months and then always moving onto something else, never, or seldom, sticking with a project till completion.
I was in a great mood, highfrom the visit, till yesterday. Then, after the therapy session, everything sortof fell apart and I've been drifting around aimlessly since then. I thought this time the good mood would last much longer. And, of course, the si behaviors are back--not in full force, but still in enough of a way to be noticeable. Leave it to a therapist to bring you down to earth again. They always seem to know how to do that. Total deflation.
I guess I need some encouragement now. Maybe I should just plunge in, open the course material and do it whether I feel like it or not. My intellect says that's what I should do anyway. But...
Help. Tziporah
web: www.istillhavemylife.com
blog: tziporahwishky.livejournal.com
Oops, sorry for rambling there. Let me clarify a bit. For the past few months I've been taking belly dancing classes, which is something that I've been wanting to do for several years now. I'm very happy with it, and going to a dance class gives me a very good feeling that lasts for 3 or 4 days.
Anyhow, we have a dance performance on the 1st of December. I've performed before on stage, but haven't done so in the last 20 years, so I'm a bit apprehensive about this. I've not been doing the belly dancing for long, and taking care of my mother has taken its toll in the form of a very tense body, including a frozen shoulder when I am very stressed out. But I plug away, being careful not to hurt my knee. About the small space, apparently the stage is going to be much smaller than what I am used to and we're doing a group dance. One of the dancers is a little munchkin who is 8 years old, so I have to make smaller steps in order to match hers... But it's fun and I'm having fun!
I think that if you were in another line of work you would be a scholar or some sort. But I do see you as a teacher and a motivator. Tzip, just because one person doesn't see you as a life coach doesn't mean that you aren't going to be one, or that you are going to be a bad one, or that you aren't going to succeed in being one. That's just one person's opinion, and it's might be true or it might be false. It's up to you to decide what feels right for you.
Hey, many, many years ago my uncle went for one of those psycho tests and the psychologists said that he wasn't smart enough to go to university let alone become an engineer. So, believing in the results of the test, he was steered towards a technical high school (so that he could have a skill). Well, when he graduated he went for the university entrance exams anyways, became an engineer (from a good university) and also taught there, too. Same story for a second cousin of mine and for my friend's father (who became a successful doctor).
And a few years ago, some of my friends didn't want me to leave for Italy. They were worried how I would cope if I had another meltdown. Who'd take care of me, etc. Hah! They certainly weren't here to take care of me, so I figured that I didn't stand to lose much.
Go for it, Tziporah! You have lots to share and to give.
~ Poppy
Crisis Center: Rape & Suicide
Thanks for explaining. You will do great--have no doubt about it.
As re your remarks about people proving theexperts wrong, I have also a ton of stories I could tell you about that. Too many people were diverted from doing what they really wanted to do because of some well-meaning buddinsky.
I also know that it was only this person's opinion. The problem is, that after that remark, made several months ago,, I haven't been able to get the passion back. It's like, just after he said it, a damper was put on the whole thing and since then I haven't been able to get back the initial enthusiasm.
This is a pattern and my therapist has picked up on it, as well as pointing out to me that I have this tendency to start things, and after a few months drift on to something else--starting a lot of things, but sticking with very few of them, especially when the initial burst of excitement fades away and the real work begins.
He also says it is probably connected with my anxiety over failing, and my anxiety about taking risks, going into new areas. In this case it would be becoming financially more independent.
I have felt passion, real passion, for very few things. I just could not get that passion about coaching, and they keep emphasizing how necessary it is to have it, in order to really be a good coach.
In this program, we have a peer coach program, in which advanced students coach beginners. It is mutually beneficial. The advanced student gets practice on coaching and the beginner gets to know what it is like to go through the coaching process.
my student coach and i really connect on several levels. we are both Jewish, she is also a yoga teacher, and she is American. She is half my age, so she still has that zest of youthful enthusiasm. she has also been through the process of learning this field,so she canrelate to my fears. she says they are normal for the most part. anyway, i talked to her about this inability to get back into it. she said i shouldn't pressure myself, but should try to set a deadline. that seems reasonable.
about the passion, i haven't felt it in a long time. but since my parents left, i have been getting into writing and i am starting to feel passion about what i have been writing. that is new forme. i like that feeling of excitement.
i was supposed to have a session today, but my t. isn't feeling well. to be honest,i was glad he wasn't--not that he is sick, not glad about that, but glad about getting a break from having togo through a session. we were going to address this whole issue. he thinks i may be getting obsessed about this writing project, avoiding what i should really be doing.
the relaxation feeling i had when my parents were here has mostly gone and my si behaviors of biting my nails and cutting my hair have been on the increase again. i don't know why that is, but it is. is it because the writing project involves my blindness--the subjectof the writing?: or is it the anxiety about the coaching? or the new probing the t. is starting? or maybe all of that?
In some ways, I have already achieved being a scholar, not saying this inan egotistical way, but as a matter of fact. I am on a high learning level in Torah. and I am teaching and counseling already as well.
one of my mentors said I really did not need the formal coaching training, that i have enough experience already to begin. But considering the way of how things work in the world, i thought i should have formal certification for the sake of professionalism.
well, i have a break from the t. till Monday, after getting myself mentally psyched up for the session. Instead, i used the time to write to you. Tziporah
web: www.istillhavemylife.com
blog: tziporahwishky.livejournal.com
The anxiety over failing's flip side is the need for perfection, and the need to prove that you can do it as well or even better than a sighted person? And why are you afraid of attaining financial independence since you don't like to be dependent on your parents?
I think you will be great at coaching, Tziporah. You have a sensitivity that is precious, and I think that the fact that you are blind will be an inspiration to many of the women that you will mentor and coach. And perhaps also, because you will not be distracted by the visual mask that they put on, you will be able to hear them better and thus help them better, too. Have you established a deadline yet? I have such complete confidence in you, Tziporah!
Writing is good, my friend, but it is only *one* facet of *you*. You have so many different facets to yourself. Yes, sometimes we do have to prioritize one over the other in order to move forward. Where would you like to go with the writing? How does it fit? How would you like it to fit? Do you not think that it is one more component, that goes well with the coaching? But that you are using to distract yourself? Or maybe this is a convoluted way to brace yourself as you get ready to delve back to the coaching?
In a way, I am like you right now. Taking care of my mother has left me emotionally and physically exhausted. All the plans that I had before my mother was diagnosed are gone. Well, they are still there, on a list somewhere, but I don't feel the energy and enthusiasm I had 3 months ago. The mere thought of going through with even one of the items on that list makes me scowl - yet, three months ago it was important to me. Right now I just want to thrown myself into work that is satisfying but that I don't have to think too much and that will pay me an enormous amount of money. The smarter part of me knows that this won't keep me happy for long, so I'm telling myself to rest a bit more and breathe. In the meantime, I am going to just write a few proposals, do some quick research, call a couple of people and see how it all goes. So the passion isn't there - perhaps it's temporary. For me because I was back being a full-time caregiver, and for you because you were focusing on your parents' visit. I say, keep going gently. If the passion is really gone forever, you'll know. If the passion is still there, you'll soon find out.
Sorry this is a bit disjointed. My eyes are tired, and I still have a flu brain. I hope that you and your husband are having a good Shabbath!
PS: Just wanted to tell you that I did figure out the HTML thing! Hoorah! Either that or they've resolved the glitch heh heh heh...
~ Poppy
Crisis Center: Rape & Suicide
You have asked some very interesting and thoughtful questions, the kind a good t. would ask and i therefore do not want to answer them humorously. it would be much better for me to consider them seriously. I do not know all the answers to them yet, any answers even, but just hearing the questions is enough. i do know i need to sit and think about them.
yesterday i attended a day-long conference connected with Jewish marriage and i was there because i had been asked to give a presentation. it was about an hour in length--went very well, the first time i spoke in a forum like that. really liked doing it. have thought about different ideas to present to the sponsor of this organization about getting more regular work. will see where it goes.
i can relate to what you say about being drained, after being a caregiver full-time. after my husband's kidney transplant, when we were in the States for about thirteen months, it took me a full six months just to come out of exhaustion. so, it will take some time, just to get back to normal. everybody asks about the patient, how he/she is doing, never or seldom about the people taking care of them. i read a book once about that, dealing with the needs of the well-spouse who was taking care of an ill partner. the needs of caregivers are often underrated and overlooked. also, just the thing itself, illness, just like death, has a way of putting things into black-and-white. things that were important before now seem trivial and even silly. perhaps this is a way of causing us to re-evaluate our life-s priorities, not a bad thing. so be kind to yourself as far as getting back on track. plus--a little extra money is not a bad thing once in awhile--even if it won't last. there is nothing wrong with a little breathing space, so good for you if you can swing it--a little extra money in the bank. i don't think money is a bad thing in and of itself. rather, it really depends on what you do with it. just like fire: it can either build or destroy. like nuclear energy--either it's Hiroshima or electricity. it totally depends on how it is used.
Tziporah
web: www.istillhavemylife.com
blog: tziporahwishky.livejournal.com
My throat hurts, so I am going to keep this short for today. I hope that you have a wonderful week!
~ Poppy
Crisis Center: Rape & Suicide
i thought about calling this sponsor of the conference: he will say he doesn't need me, that i need to take more courses before he will sign me up, that if he knew i have internet in house, he wouldn't even consider me, that getting to places to speak will be very complicated, etc.
about yoga--also just one more flight into experimentation. my typical pattern--try out something, feel enthusiastic for a few weeks or months, and then drop it and pick up something else. never stay with almost anything from start to finish. just like the coaching--started out great, and since i lost the rhythm, the doubt, cannot get it back, just like aerobics last year. justlike so many things.
my nail-biting is increasing again. fingers--a bloody mess. my hair real short as well.
it is getting colder out, winter setting in. just lying around in bed. so quickly the positive energy i had during my parents' visit is slipping away. help. Tziporah
web: www.istillhavemylife.com
blog: tziporahwishky.livejournal.com
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