Belated Welcome, Shavtay2007

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Belated Welcome, Shavtay2007
1100
Tue, 03-20-2007 - 10:32am

Hi Tziporah,


I am so sorry that this is such a belated welcome to you. I've been absent from the board for nearly a month - so many things have been happening in my life that it was difficult to also come here. The good news is that life has somewhat calmed down (but I'm still crossing my fingers and my toes), which means that I'm back on iVillage.


I am so very happy to see you here, participating and sharing in our conversations! I hope that we'll get to know each other better in the coming weeks.


Welcome again!


(PS: I love the sound of your name!)


Please visit these other great message boards:
Cranio-Facial Abnormalities
In Vitro (IVF)



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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Tue, 11-13-2007 - 10:22am
You need to stop letting the anxiety take over and let your heart talk, Tziporah. Your enthusiasm is still there, but I think that the anxiety is covering it up. And when the anxiety takes over, its cousin negativity also tends to visit, too.


Sooooo... how do you usually ground yourself? How do you slow down and stop these thoughts that run through your head? Do you do deep breathing? Do you go and pray? Do you read writings that inspire you, or that make you feel safe?


You wrote once that perhaps you have to accept that you will always self-harm. What would happen if you accepted that you will never be perfect? Perfection is what we strive for. It's what we try (keyword: TRY) to achieve but that we never attain. We must never punish ourselves for never attaining perfection but we have to reward the efforts in trying to get there.


Stop. Breathe. Let go. Recharge.


You don't know what the sponsor will say when you call. All the things you've written, that is your fear talking. Why don't you let *him* talk for himself, and find out what he thinks instead of letting your Fear putting things in his mouth. So what if you need to take a few courses - hey, you are a scholar and you love learning and knowledge is the most precious of goods that we can have. Call him, Tziporah. And tell us how it goes. And you know what? If he can't book you for other conferences, you can already put in your resume last Sunday's presentation and try to get other organizations to invite you as a speaker.


For the sports, think of getting an exercise buddy. It works. Whether you like it or not, you have to go out and do the aerobics or the yoga or the walking because your buddy will be waiting for you and counting on you. I'm not talking about a coach or a trainer, but another person. Someone who is counting on you.


When are you going to start with the coaching studies again? Have you set a deadline? You are going to be a great coach. There are women out there who need *you* to be their coach, because of who you are and your experience. Stepping out of our comfort zone is never easy or nice. It's disturbing, and quite frankly, it makes me cry. It gives me insomnia, and when I'm able to sleep, it wakes me up after a couple of hours. So I do it slowly-slowly. Other people just zoom through it, I can't, and I've accepted that I can't. Years ago it would have paralyzed me, now I move slowly, like an old turtle - it's better than nothing, right? What are the baby steps that you are going to that in the next 3 days? You only have to go slowly-slowly. Piano piano. or pelan pelan as we say here.



iVillage Member
Registered: 03-12-2007
Tue, 11-13-2007 - 11:19pm
hi Poppy,
it is early morning here now, and i read your post about 10 pm last night. i decided, if not now, when--as the saying goes. i asked a Rav (rabbi) for a blessing and then made the call to this sponsor. i first complimented him on the conference, discussed a particular point of interest made by another speaker, and then presented my proposal. he said it was a good idea for a general lesson, but that he was teaching the counselors and teachers (the conference was for this group of women--the counselors and teachers in his organization) on a much higher level, etc., etc., and that, besides, he was not sure how relevant the particular book i wanted to use really was. i was not surprised really--we have always seen issues differently. i just thought maybe i had finally broken through his barriers. and, of course, he suggested i start by teaching in a nearby community.
i couldn't help but have the feeling that despite all his good intentions, this suggestion to start with a local community--a place that was easy to get to--was his unconscious fear--how could i, as a blind person, travel longer distances? so, after all the talking about the abilities of a blind person, after trying to show him that i am capable, it still doesn't make an iota of a difference.
at first, after the phone call, i felt hurt. one more rejection. the only thought that helped at that moment was recalling that Abraham Lincoln was defeated in election after election, but then went on to become President. i am not suggesting i am on that level, but that he did not let rejection defeat him. he was able to pick himself up, dust his clothes off and get back into the fray. it did not take away the pain, but it was the only thought that was able to sustain me. i went to bed after that, which was probably a good idea--it gave me the chance to rest and let the bluntness of the pain disappear.
still, before i got out of bed awhile ago, i was able to turn some of my cuticles into a bloody mess. i recalled what my adolescent therapist and current therapist have told me, that my depressionh is based on the idea i have that i am "damaged goods". that was enough to trigger it.but there was also another thought.
this thought had to do with the fact that as long as i talk about anything connected to blindness, i am worth investing in, worth having as a speaker at this conference or any other. but as soon as that topic is over with, as soon as i have finished that presentation, i am no longer useful or needeed by them. i have been reading a fascinating biography of Laura Bridgeman, called The Imprisoned Guest, by Elizabeth Gitter. Bridgeman was both deaf and blind, like Helen Keller, and was the first deafblind child to be educated in America in any systematic way--in this case, by the fampous reformer, Samuel Howe. sidenote--somewhere in the pages of this work, there are references to si and annorhexia, which Bridgeman engaged in during her emotional struggles--so if anyone thinks this is just a 20th century phenomenon, they might reconsider. anyway, as long as Bridgeman was a cute little girl and could show off her tricks--all the things she had mastered--she was an interesting curiosity. but once she grew out of that into a teenager and then an adult woman, there was nothing of interest for the public, and even her benefactor, Howe, lost interest. she was pretty much left forlorn and forgotten and became very unhappy.
i guess that is what i am feeling right now. as long as i can lecture to these teachers on petagogical methods relaeed to teaching as a blind counselor, teaching other blind women or sighted women as a blind counselor, i am interesting, have worthwhile suggestions to make. but i am not good enough for his general staff.
i do not mind taking another course and i told him i would consider it the next time he begins one. this person is great at developing courses ad infinatum. i would just like to get beyond that.
after that, i again had this thought--another thought--that has been developing inside my brain over the past few weeks. i might have mentioned that my writing project had to do with blindness. if not, well, let me reveal it. i guess i am sick and tired of being asked, week after week, how do you do this and how do you do that?, etc., and two of my therapists--without knowing each other--suggested i write a little flyer about it. that is how this whole project started. well, i found a writing form i liked and was having fun playing around with it--trying to make my ideas fit into the structure i had decided to use. but of late the thought has started to come up--if i write about blindness, and if anything comes of this material, perhaps published in some form or other, instead of freeing me from this identity, being known as the blind whatever--blind teacher, blind writer, etc., it is just going to make that even more pronounced. it will totally box me into a corner. and that's the problem. i'm trying to break out of that mold, that image. i'd like to be seen for something more than just that. that is what really bothers me about this whole conference thing. as long as i stayed within my image, my topic, my subject--the blind teacher talking about blindness-related stuff, even if it contained scholarly observations on broader issues--okay, but beyond that, this sponsor has no use for me.
and as far as getting women into my coaching practice--as you suggest there are women out there who need me--i am alsonot very optomistic right now. non-paying clients, maybe. but as soon as money comes into it, they all seem to drop off.
needy people , people who need help, for some strange reason, often happen to be needy--poor. a cute little pun. as you can tell, my sarcasm is starting to take over. i guess i'm still smarting a bit from this rejection.
at least i have had the wisdom to put gloves on my hands and not make it worse than it already is. writing all of this has helped somehow. maybe i am not in the position to see reason right now, maybe i am engaged in self-pity, but it feels good to get it down on paper.
i am not sure how you picked up on the perfection slant. it is true i have that streak in me. at this point, i am just trying to find the right key to open the locked door. everyone says how smart i am, what potential i have, etc., etc.--a line i have been hearing for years. but besides the Sabbath project--where i host seminary students every wek and for which there is no shortage of people wanting to come--there isn't much i can show right now. what aboutthe other six days of the week?
as far as deep breathing, taking it slow and going into a safe place, that is all i seem to be doing oflate--sleeping on and off most of the time. i am getting tired of doing that. it is just a waste of time after awhile--not the deep breathing, but the endless sleeping. thanks for bearing with me through this long epistle. Tziporah
Tziporah
web: www.istillhavemylife.com
blog: tziporahwishky.livejournal.com
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Thu, 11-15-2007 - 7:19am
Tziporah my friend, to me it sounds like this sponsor has prejudices. Yes, his prejudices hurt, but you have a choice to make. Are you going to prove him right or are you going to prove him wrong? So this particular sponsor is not a right fit for you. Okay, good - now you know something that you didn't know the day before. Are there other conference organizers in your city?


Tziporah, you need to make your name known. Have you ever written articles for newspapers? Maybe it's time to do so, in order for people to know you by name. If you write on a regular basis (monthly? Every two months?) people will begin to remember your name. Newspapers and magazine are brilliant in that it's the content that matters. If you decide to accept this mission, your next task would be to identify which newspapers and magazines to write in. And if you receive rejections, don't despair, okay?


Yeah, when it's free people are there. When it's paying, there are less people. Start with the non-paying ones for a select few who really don't have the funds to pay you. You help them and they help you as you get your certifications. And you can think of this as volunteer work, too.


My thinking is this - if you write in magazines and newspapers on a regular basis, after awhile people will start to seek you out, both for speaking gigs but also for coaching sessions. Since we also live in an era where a lot of people use the internet, you might also want to have a website where you can post your articles, speeches, blogs, too, and from where you can also accept coaching sessions from women who live in other cities and even other countries. After all, why not?


Next step after that would be world domination, of course heh heh


Seriously though, doesn't that sound like a plan? It's also something that you can do one step at a time, at your pace. If you need help with designing your website, you can ask someone to help you with this. Maybe you could barter your coaching services for website design and maintenance? You could ask a few sighted friends what they think of the design (I'd be happy to do this except if there's a Hebrew part). And you can make sure that the website would be easy to use for those who have visual problems.


So whaddya think, girlfriend? Let's brainstorm. Let's make those potentials bloom!


Hugs, my friend.



iVillage Member
Registered: 03-12-2007
Sun, 11-18-2007 - 2:17am
Hi Poppy,
your suggestions are very good and echo those of coach trainers. i am still trying to find my nitche and work out the business end of things.
i have no problem with non-paying clients. i am doing that already. it's that i can't move from the non-paying into the paying class. i have the anxiety i will always be in the non-paying department.
since my last message, i have started to nurture myself again. i have started to write on my writing project and am feeling better about it. it has started to flow again. i also checked out the ivillage board for yoga and found a website i liked. i've done two sessions with them. i do it first thing when i wake up. it gives me energy. i have also resumed alpha-state meditations. i went to the ritualarium again, which meant getting my cuticles in shape. they aren't perfect, but better than a few days ago. meanwhile, i have cut my hair short again.
i talked about the latest rejection from this sponsor with my husband and therapist. that has also helped put things in perspective.
i am also mentally almost ready to start the coaching school again.
mostly now, i spend my time mainly focusing on myself and taking care of myself. thanks for your encouragement, support and wise words and counsel. as always, you are right on target. Tziporah
Tziporah
web: www.istillhavemylife.com
blog: tziporahwishky.livejournal.com
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2005
Mon, 11-19-2007 - 7:18pm

Tziporah,


Danielle's Place is an Eating Disorder Support and Resource Centre. Danielle is girl who died of an eating disorder. The centre was a dream of her and mother's. She didn't make it so her mother founded the centre after her death. Unfortunately the lady that mom hired as an executive assistant took over and twisted everything around and manipulated the board members against the mom and she basically got forced into retirement. :(


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Amanda

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2005
Mon, 11-19-2007 - 7:28pm
I love my pdoc and feel there is mutual respect and trust and I have told her how I feel about her not calling me back or missing phone appointments. She said that she was thankful for my feedback and would review the schedule the day before and call if our scheduled phone appointment was no good. So far she hasn't kept up that part of the bargain. Ah well. I like working with her too much so far to let it bother me. Then I was away

Amanda

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-12-2007
Tue, 11-20-2007 - 4:31pm
hi Amanda,
nine hours back and fourth plus the session! unreal! it takes just a bit longer to fly from Israel to the States!--between 10-11 hours!
i really admire you for doing that. you must really have found someone special to make that kind of commitment.
i think you should point this out to her--let her know how much is really involved in getting to and from the office visits.
my point is--if you can make that large a commitment, nine hours, she should be able to reciprocate by making a serious commitment to keep her "part of the bargain"--as you put it--keeping her phone slot, which costs her no inconvenience--certainly not on the scale you are experiencing by making office trips.
and as far as the phone slot, you also make that commitment of time, albeit one hour, but still significant, to be available. the fact that she still doesn't keep her part of the bargain after all this would bother the hell out of me. i personally could not work with that kind of therapist. it just seems she is not professional enough, or organized enough, or maybe both.
obviously, the fact that you put up with it is because you have such good vibes from her--you "love her too much".
it is also an emotional commitment. that is, for psychotherapy to really work, both parties, the patient and the doc, have to have an emotional commitment to each other.
thank G-d, my t. is a real professional who keeps his commitments. occassionally, there are slip-ups, like the time two weeks ago he was sick, but these are very rare.
now that i am at an advanced stage in my therapy, i can tolerate a missed session now and then, and even vacations have become easier to handle than earlier.
but if you are in a critical stage of therapy, or just starting to do the real work, or just starting out as a newcomer to therapy, it is imperative to have someone who is in there, day in and day out, week in and week out--not someone who is so unreliable.
thanks for the feedback--yeah, yeah, i would rather see deeds and less talking from this doc. as the saying goes, actions speak louder than words."
i am not telling you to discontinue with her--but if she keeps this kind of sometimes-available, sometimes-not-available, it will have a long-term negative effect on your therapy and may cause uderlying resentments. therapy is supposed to be a stable environment, not a situation in which you never know what is going to be from one hour to the next.
i have a sense, and i might be wrong, that your love for her is so overwhelming, that it is blinding you to these possible dangers. be smart. be careful. and every time she pullsthis s--t on you, call her on it--do not let her get away with it.
it may be possible that because you are not paying outright--if this is the case--she may not be taking you as seriously as those patients who pay their bills direct. i hate to say it, but money talks.
Tziporah
Tziporah
web: www.istillhavemylife.com
blog: tziporahwishky.livejournal.com
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Tue, 11-20-2007 - 9:49pm
(((((((((hugs))))))))))



I want to say all that Tziporah said. Since she has said it so eloquently, I won't add except to say that as good as a therapist she is, as much as she has helped you and as much as you love her, there is also unprofessionalism and disorganization on her part which doesn't help you at all. I am glad that you have called her on this. If she were a medical doctor whom you needed to see on a regular basis to ensure that your disease is kept at bay, would you tolerate this kind of behaviour?



You are the best, Amanda, and you deserve the best. Don't settle for less, okay?



Hugs,




iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Tue, 11-20-2007 - 10:09pm
Sorry this is late. I am exhausted and feeling under the weather emotionally. I'm slowly trying to focus on being more productive but it's difficult.



I am glad to read that you have been more nurturing - that is something that we all need to be towards ourselves, and not feel guilty about it.



The phrase "what you resist will persist" is haunting me right now (as is Hawaii - it keeps on popping up in the conversations I have with people. I hope it's a sign that I'll be going to Hawaii hahahahaha). Back to resisting and persisting. I have to think why I'm resisting some things. I'm going to meditate on this and just be with the resistance to try to understand it more.



If I were anxious like you about paying jobs (and I am - it's one of my resistances), what would you tell me to do?





iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2005
Wed, 11-21-2007 - 1:35pm

The nine hours included travel time, waiting time 1 1/2 hrs after our scheduled time before she came and saw me but I was

Amanda

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