Belated Welcome, Shavtay2007

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Belated Welcome, Shavtay2007
1100
Tue, 03-20-2007 - 10:32am

Hi Tziporah,


I am so sorry that this is such a belated welcome to you. I've been absent from the board for nearly a month - so many things have been happening in my life that it was difficult to also come here. The good news is that life has somewhat calmed down (but I'm still crossing my fingers and my toes), which means that I'm back on iVillage.


I am so very happy to see you here, participating and sharing in our conversations! I hope that we'll get to know each other better in the coming weeks.


Welcome again!


(PS: I love the sound of your name!)


Please visit these other great message boards:
Cranio-Facial Abnormalities
In Vitro (IVF)



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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-12-2007
Mon, 04-16-2007 - 7:01am
one of the good things about this board is that you can review the old messages. i was reading your messages and came across this one. since you wrote it, i have started reading Bob Hanley's: Overcoming Panic and Anxiety. his method is based on going into the alpha state and using affirmations and visualizations while in this state to reprogram the mind. in his view, this is more powerful than doing these things at the beta state. the beta state is when one is fully aware and conscious, while alpha represents the transitional state between wakefulness and falling asleep and vice versa. i have found this book very helpful.
i am also now thinking about yoga more seriously and checked out some of the links on this website. in the meantime, i am using relaxation a lot as Hanley describes, but i often end up falling asleep.
i went to my psychiatrist last week and she said i needed to get my sleep cycle on course. she prescribed meletonin, a vitamin suplement, which is supposed to regulate the sleep mechanism in the brain. it has helped a little, but it will take time. she also said that although i could sleep during the day, i should shorten these sleep periods.
i'm still zigzagging. last night was very frustrating. i had just gotten to where my nails were almost perfect, maybe one nail bloody, and then in the space of two hours ripped up one of my hands on each finger. i was in the last class of our coaching course. i was feeling generally anxious, i guess.
i talked about it with my therapist in session this morning. why is it that i get almost there, almost achieving total healing, and then something triggers a downward slide? or, i can even occasionally manage a complete healing success, all ten fingers smooth without any sores, keep it up for a day or two, or an hour or two, and then something goes off and i go through something like what happened last night? it's like going up to the vaulting bar but being unable to get over it. how do you maintain the healing? he said instead of striving for perfection i should realize i was engaged in a process and was definitely getting stronger. unlike my therapist who had reservations about contacting this board, my psychiatrist was very positive about it, seeing it as a good support system. if anyone has answers as to how to get over the vault bar and to stay at thhe level of healing, please tell me. i'm so close, and yet this final step keeps eluding me. help. Tziporah ps. i've started writing on the self-esteem board and finding good ideas there too.
Tziporah
web: www.istillhavemylife.com
blog: tziporahwishky.livejournal.com
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Mon, 04-16-2007 - 11:01am

There are times when I listen to my guided imagery CD's before I go to sleep. I know I'll be snoring away 10 minutes after listening to the CD (it works better than a sleeping tablet for me), and they do really help even though I slept through it.


About napping - and I'm only venting at my confusion and frustrations here. We read articles where they say that napping is good for you in many ways, and where they laud companies that have set up napping rooms. Then there are those who say to not sleep during the day! Sigh. Anyhow, I nap when I need it, and don't when I don't need it. There are periods where my work and waking hours are not conventional (I tend to have long hours and I'm a night owl), so when I am in night owl mode and working till late at night but have to wake up early in the morning... I nap. I also have periods where I sleep 2 to 4 hours in two or three packets during a whole 24 hours. I still get 8 hours (and sometimes more) of sleep in 24 hours, just not at one go. And I just go with the flow, because work also allows it.



  • why is it that i get almost there, almost achieving total healing, and then something triggers a downward slide?

I think your pdoc is right. Don't strive for perfection, because then you've set yourself a quasi impossible bar to reach, and you become more liable to



iVillage Member
Registered: 03-12-2007
Tue, 04-17-2007 - 3:09am
thank you for your long and thoughtful message. your right--you can write long posts. remember that query i had about long posts?
seriously, i really needed every word of your message. thanks.
correction. first, for anyone interested, the correct name of Bob Hanley's book is: Anxiety and Panic Attacks. I wrote only Anxiety and Panic in my last message. sorry.
i saw your general message to the board on coping methods and i'm going to check out some of the links, especially the ones about sleep, affirmations and visualizations. Hanley recommends doing visualizations and affirmations in either the alpha or beta states and i'm at this point in the program. he says if you keep it up for 30 days you can achieve reduced levels of anxiety. i have heard others use the number 30 days as a minimum time. this number seems to be the transition point between temporary and permanent integrated change. sometimes when people try something new they fail because they haven't kept it up long enogh--they quit too soon. 30 days seems to bring a person past this minimum point.
i was interested in your description of your sleep pattern. i have a very similar one. if i was by myself, i think i would be able to be more flexible. it's complicated because my husband would like me to be in bed with him when he sleeps. he is understanding about it. if i can't sleep, he won't force me. but i understand his needs and having different sleep cycles can affect intimacy. i try as much as possible to go to sleep when he does. i talked about this with my psychiatrist during our meeting last week. she said that if i can't sleep when i'm in bed with him, i could read, listen to music with earphones, or try doing some of the visualizations or relaxations. i may choose to be in bed, but i can occupy myself with something positive instead of just looking at the ceiling. that suggestion has helped. now at night when i can't sleep, i try reprogramming my mind with positive imagery. right now, i'm trying to boost myself with positive messages that i can make this new business venture in coaching work. i started another online course on business and the first lesson got me a little anxious and i bit a cuticle. so, when my husband wanted to sleep this morning, i spent time telling myself i will succeed at it.
i think the point about trying to get over the vault has to do with my perception about overcoming this si habit. my therapist has often pointed out that i tend to view it similarly to giving up alcohol--total abstinance, i'll never drink again, one drink and you're down into relapse. he keeps telling me si isn't like that. still, within myself, i still have this desire to stop it once and for all. when i read messages about people who've stopped si for one or two years, i tend to see them as people who have learned to abstain from engaging in their self-harming habit, just like the alcoholic who has finally licked it, or the smoker who has finally quit for good. that's where this notion of being able to get over the valuting bar comes from, i think.
my t. has told me it's a lifetime struggle, a process, but i'm still trying to integrate that idea. i also have desires to achieve perfection in other areas, like totally ridding myself of the excess clutter, finally getting rid of my flabby stomach, finally being self-sufficient in earning money, etc. this perfectionism has its roots in my childhood. my mother wanted us to be perfect, an impossibility of course. i have ocd, and one of its symptoms is this striving for perfection. of course, i am working on all these issues in therapy, which has been getting deeper and more potent. the sessions aren't trivial anymore. it's hard work, but worth it.
again, thanks for your help and support. you're a gem. Tziporah
Tziporah
web: www.istillhavemylife.com
blog: tziporahwishky.livejournal.com
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Tue, 04-17-2007 - 11:27am

Heh heh heh... I think yesterday I needed to talk because nearly all of my posts were long.


Thirty days or doing something thirty times seems to be the amount of time (or times) needed by a person to incorporate a new habit.


When I used to live with someone as a couple, we would regulate each other's sleep habits. When I wasn't around, he would be able to work late. When he was around, I could fall asleep by 10 or 11. When he'd go on business trips I'd revert to night owl mode - work till 3 am, start to work again at 8 or 9 (or even earlier if my client would call me). I'd be so very happy when he'd come back from those trips because I needed to sleep! Your therapist is right - you can do so many things whilst in bed. I listen to my guided imagery tapes, or to podcasts. Generally I'm out within a few minutes.


Ok, about the vault. No athlete trains from the highest bar to the lower one. They start with something feasible, then gradually move the bar up. In between, they train and they work on the various components. It's going to be the same thing for you and the SI. What's feasible right now? What do you have to work on? How do you incorporate what you've learned into your life? Once jumping over that height is comfortable, you set the bar a bit higher. Yes, it's a long process but everything takes time it needs, even cooking a roast.


Tziporah, you are perfect as you are today. And tomorrow you will be perfect as you are tomorrow. I really, really, really like you as you are now. Honest. I am sure that a lot of people think the same way as I do.



iVillage Member
Registered: 03-12-2007
Sun, 04-22-2007 - 6:10am
good news. i got my scanner back--finally. some of the functions are only partially working, such as speed in reading, but overall it works, which is the main thing. remember that little catastrophe i had when i spilled liquid on it? well, at least that's solved.
since i've been taking the meletonin supplement recommended by my psychiatrist, my sleep has been better. it's not perfect--i still wake up sometimes, but i can now usually fall back to sleep. if not, i try relaxation and visualizing.
still, i'm going through a phase of increased anxiety over this coaching business venture. i have so many doubts in myself. is this really what i want to do? how will i start? my anxiety has led to an increase in biting my nails over the last few days. most of the fingers that were healing are nowripped up again--as usual. doing the relaxation doesn'thelp. when i'm asleep, i can't pick at them. but when i'm awake, i start at it.
i should really put gloves on, but that's hard to do when trying to read braille.
i spent time reading the messages on this board. it helped calm me. but i also know i have been procrastinating. instead of working on my coaching assignment, i've been reading messages instead.
still, i felt that's what i wanted to do. i enjoy doing it, but try not to get addicted to the internet too much--only browse messages every few days. Tziporah
Tziporah
web: www.istillhavemylife.com
blog: tziporahwishky.livejournal.com
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Sun, 04-22-2007 - 6:53am

That's great that you got your scanner back. What does this scanner do? And how do you read the posts in braille? Is it using this scanner or something else? I am so very sorry to be asking such ignorant questions. I do know, though, that I am glad that technology has evolved to a point that you are able to come join our conversations. The board wouldn't be same at all without you, and I for one am very happy that you are here.


Why don't you use the message board as a a reward nd incentive for you to work on your course o on the coaching material? Sometimes (ok, often) it's what I do when there's a task at work that I don't want to do at all. I tell myself that if I've done certain tasks, I can go look the board for X amount of time.


Tackle it one half day at a time, Tziporah, and give yourself a nice break in between the half days. I know that sometimes I work too much, too, and spend way too much time in front of the 'puter so I am going to start take an hour or two for lunch just to get out of the house a bit, see people in real life, and move around!



iVillage Member
Registered: 03-12-2007
Sun, 04-22-2007 - 11:54pm
Poppy, i'm happy you're on the board, too.
most people don't know how this technology works, so you're not being ignorant in asking. the computers are set up as regular computers, with a regular keyboard, screen, and monitor, etc. what's added on are special access programs for blind persons, either or both voice and braille output. voice output uses synthetic speech to speak the information on the windows, similar to the kind of voice generated telephone menus or prompts in elevators, etc. braille output requires a special refreshable braille display. a panel with a row of pins, shaped in the form of the braille cell, (3 rows of two dots in each row), is attached to the screen. when letters appear on the screen, the added program converts or translates the letters from the printed shapes into the braille code and the corresponding pins on the display then come up in the shape of the letters, as it would look like on braille paper. the scanner uses similar technology. scanner technology is used in fax and xerox technology all the time. when applied to reading applications for blind people, the scanner takes the printed page and reads it out as synthetic speech orbraille output, as described above. this means that blind people now have a tremendous access to material, both on computer and in printed books, that would otherwise be closed to them. only a very tiny bit of all the material out there can actually be brailled or recorded. this technology now allows blind people much more equality, a vital factor in the information age. images and graphics are a problem, however, and for the most part are unconvertable into a format which blind people can use, unless very special devices are employed. my husband and i are blind, and we each have our own computers with braille display and speech output and scanners. this stuff costs tons of money, and my parents have helped out a lot--although we have also bought a lot of it ourselves.
yesterday turned out better than i thought. i kept getting anxious about the coaching venture, as i wrote before. finally, i called my coach--the guy who is trying to get me started in this business. he gave me some reassuring thoughts and that helped. i also put gloves on while sleeping. in my therapy session this morning--i call my therapist who has moved overseas, it's nighttime by him and early morning for me--he told me to focus on the successes i already have, to realize all beginnings are hard, and to believe that i will succeed in the same way that others have confidence in me. all of these reassuring thoughts helped.
i find posting my progress on the boards also helps. thanks for your continued interest in me. Tziporah
Tziporah
web: www.istillhavemylife.com
blog: tziporahwishky.livejournal.com
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Mon, 04-23-2007 - 12:28pm

Thanks for the explanation!


My (own) house is not that far for a school for the blind. I've never been there at all, though, but it is a beautiful though small



iVillage Member
Registered: 03-12-2007
Mon, 04-23-2007 - 4:01pm
i wouldn't have written now, except that i felt i had to, after your comment about braille watches. if you've ever seen them, you'll know they are functional, but not very beautiful. maybe you can dress it up with a nice band, but that's about it. so, when you come out with one, let me know.
when i read your profile, and it said you are a designer, i thought of interior design. my mother is an interior decorator. i guess that's where the association came from. what kind of designing are you doing?
the braille display does sit on the table like a tablet, not standing upright like the computer screen. it is actually very small, about the size of a computer keyboard. very small models are now available that connect to cell phones and palm computers.
you are right in that i have been feeling calmer. the last few days, though, were very hard--i just kept getting into this anxiety with a lot of thoughts and doubts about this coaching thing and my cuticles were a mess.
tonight i had another hair-cutting episode, not that there's much to cut, but just enough. i didn'[t enjoy it at first, but then i couldn't stop it either. ocd for sure. i tried checking out their board and couldn't relate to it. nor could i relate to the anxiety board. i don't know why that is. i do feel comfortable on this board and have also started writing on the self-esteem board.
i have been reading Bob Hanley's book, which i mentioned in previous posts, and really trying to practice the relaxation exercises--what he calls going into alpha state--along with affirmations and visualizations, telling myself i can make a go of this coaching thing. i also realized i need to take it in very small steps. today i wrote a personal profile for my consultant/coach. i emailed it to him. that was all i could handle. tomorrow i am planning to continue the new online course i started. i try to do something every day, but at my own pace.
tonight the anxiety had to do with a difficult encounter i had today. i kept thinking about it. did i handle it right. sometimes chewing on my skin has started to feel good again, like this morning when i was at physical therapy, like right now while writing this letter to you. i'm enjoying the piece i'm chewing. it sounds gross. but it's true. with me i'm going through an up-and-down stage. i hope i stabilize. Tziporah
Tziporah
web: www.istillhavemylife.com
blog: tziporahwishky.livejournal.com
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-12-2007
Tue, 04-24-2007 - 11:49pm
yesterday was so-so. my husband was out all day. after giving him breakfast at about nine--i also ate something with him, i went back to bed. he called several times to see how i was going. he asked if i wanted to join him going out to this lecture. i just kept saying i had work to do--working on the online course--but i actually ended up staying in bed from 10 a.m until 3 p.m. at about 2 p.m. i started to take an inventory of myself. i feel i am drawing away from the source of my spirituality, that i need a much more structured day. i thought about that. finally, i felt better and restored and got up and worked on the business online course for several hours. then i got dressed to go out to an evening lecture. it actually felt good breaking out of the daily routine. i can't even remember the last time i just stayed in bed until 3 o"c but i must have needed it.
still, i kept biting my cuticles. forget about gloves at night. iwould wake up from time to time and try to fix the jagged pieces of skin by biting them off.
this morning i bit acuticleand it started to bleed again. i could taste the blood--sweet in a sort of way. i quickly put a bandaid on it so i wouldn't mess everything up with blood stains.
i know what's eating at me, so to speak. i still have a lot of doubts about this coaching thing--afraid it's going to take me away from my spiritual goals. i'm not happy with myself right now. last night i heard about someone who's starting to give a series of classes on a certain topic. i knew i could do that just like she is doing. how come she got the job and i didn't? i wanted to ask' what's her secret? i knew it was jealousy. but it still hurt. it still hurts.
i'm still mulling over the recent encounter i wrote about in my last letter. was it the right thing to do?
if i could just shake these doubts off. and that's what worries me, that the doubts are too strong. i feel like my coach is rushing me again. i'm not even sure if this is really what i want, or if i just latched ontothe first thing that came along; i have another session with my therapist tomorrow. i know i need it badly. Tziporah
Tziporah
web: www.istillhavemylife.com
blog: tziporahwishky.livejournal.com

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