Belated Welcome, Shavtay2007

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Belated Welcome, Shavtay2007
1100
Tue, 03-20-2007 - 10:32am

Hi Tziporah,


I am so sorry that this is such a belated welcome to you. I've been absent from the board for nearly a month - so many things have been happening in my life that it was difficult to also come here. The good news is that life has somewhat calmed down (but I'm still crossing my fingers and my toes), which means that I'm back on iVillage.


I am so very happy to see you here, participating and sharing in our conversations! I hope that we'll get to know each other better in the coming weeks.


Welcome again!


(PS: I love the sound of your name!)


Please visit these other great message boards:
Cranio-Facial Abnormalities
In Vitro (IVF)



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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-12-2007
Thu, 01-17-2008 - 3:51am
Thanks, Poppy. I needed to be reminded.
After following your instructions, I was able to send an email through the profile to Amandad--remember that, a few weeeks back. tell me how to receive a message through the profile, and then send me whatever you would like to discuss off-board. Tziporah
Tziporah
web: www.istillhavemylife.com
blog: tziporahwishky.livejournal.com
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-12-2007
Thu, 01-17-2008 - 4:01am
I will write you a personal message relating to your last message on this board. Look for it in your email box. Tziporah
Tziporah
web: www.istillhavemylife.com
blog: tziporahwishky.livejournal.com
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Fri, 01-18-2008 - 4:02am
I'll email you via your profile next week. We had a scary couple of days, mostly involving a doctor who doesn't have such a great bedside manner and who interpreted a CT scan incorrectly. I need a couple of days to relax and regoup!


Have a good Sabbath if we don't get to talk beforehand. I hope that you will have very nice company this week.




iVillage Member
Registered: 03-12-2007
Sun, 02-10-2008 - 4:58am
Hi Poppy and everybody else,
I haven't written in the last few weeks. It's really been hard for me. My cuticles are ripped up again. I really didn't want to have guests last week--embarrassed because my fingers were all ripped up and bloody. Saturday night they started to heal a bit. They're still ripped up, but starting to heal.
I usualy wake up and make a bloody mess out of one of the cuticles, and then tell myself to relax. I usually start doing yoga first thing in the morning and that helps to short circuit the immediate anxiety--at least for awhile.
I went for about a month without cutting my hair--I thought i was at the point where I could let it grow long again. Then the impulse to do it, the urge to cut it, overcame me and I couldn't help myself. So now it's real short again. I usually have the need to do it Saturday night, after the guests leave. Yesterday night, though, I was able to go without doing it. I gave myself credit, but also realized it was because it's short, nothing to really cut off.
If I don't check my hair to see its length I can avoid doing it. Once I start to check, though, I inevitably find something bothersome and then the impulse starts.
I have been working on self-esteem issues in therapy. Very slow and intense. My self-eseem issues seem really complicated.
Anyway, the passion for doing anything with regards to writing or coaching has gone out and I am finding it very hard to get back again. The only things right now that seem to be sticking are doing the yoga and reading Scriptures. I have started to learn the prophetic books with Jewish commentaries and finding it very rewarding. I am also reading a daily meditation book intended for alcoholics, but it is just as applicable to any kind of addiction. It is called Seek Sobriety, Find Tranquility by Abraham Twerski. I find reading it every day or two gives me strength.
I have been going down to 30mg on Paxxil and I have an appointment with my psychiatrist tomorrow. At that time we will have to decide whether to stay at this dose or go up. I have thought about it a lot. I am tempted to go up--sometimes I just feel chronically depressed, like a low-grade fever. But when I do go up the bad thoughts disappear--instead part ofme would like to stay at the lower, present dose, and work through the thoughts, overcome them, instead of just having them be obliterated by the higher dose. Sttill, when I was at the higher dose, I did more, had more energy.
a mixed bag, a mied blessing.
To me, giving into the higher dose would feel like I failed somehow. I think I want to give it a little more time. I don't know.
Today has actually been a good day so far. Worked on throwing out clutter for a few hours. Any magazines that were over a year old--just threw them out, regardless of whether or not I had read them. It felt so good doing that.
I hope everybody is okay. Tziporah
Tziporah
web: www.istillhavemylife.com
blog: tziporahwishky.livejournal.com
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Sun, 02-10-2008 - 8:57pm
((((((((hugs))))))))


I'm giving you gentle hugs because you are sometimes hard on yourself. You've made a lot of progress, though - in the past you would have been much, much more critical on yourself. Right now, reading your post, you are more objective, more detached. You are observing and reporting facts.


Tzip, how long have you been on 30 mg? I was reading a few weeks ago that when people decrease the dose there's a period of adjustment where it's difficult for the body and the mind, but sometimes if you wait the body and mind will adjust to the new dosage and off you go vrrm vrrm vrrm again. Of course, perhaps the higher dose is the one that works best for you. Talk this over with your therapist to see what is best and what is comfortable for you overall. The dosage doesn't reflect any which way on you, Tziporah. Do you think any less of your husband because of all the medication that he is taking? Would people respect him more if, for example, he takes 3 kinds of drugs instead of 5?

Hey, I was also doing a lot of de-cluttering. I threw out a lot of stuff, and I finally got my books in order. There's still a box of books to sort out, but for the most part I know where things are. I'm going into phase II soon! It feels good, doesn't it?

Talk to you later. I'm been suffering from a stomach bug and right now I have a killer headache that looks like it's turning into a migraine. Sigh...



iVillage Member
Registered: 03-12-2007
Mon, 02-11-2008 - 8:23am
Thanks, Poppy, for writing back. I needed it.
I talked it over with my t. before going to the psychiatrist. My therapist is not my doc, but someone else. She handles the meds, and he does the therapy stuff.
Well, from what I told him he said it seemed to him that it was a mixed blessing. at the lower dose, i have more energy, sleep better at night--have less episodes of insomnia, and have been able to lose a little weight. At the higher dose, I had less experience of negative thoughts and this low-grade sluggish feeling, like a persistent cold. My nail-biting was better. So, it's a toss-up.
Well, as usual, my doc was late. I don't think I've ever gotten into her office on time. I usually end up waiting until she shows up. It's a private office, not a clinic, so the protocol is a little different in the sense that in a clinic you expect to wait. In any eent, if the patient is late, she is known to "punish" them by taking off from their allotted time. Of course, if she is late, she gives you the full time.
Well, I was scheduled for 9 am and she waltzes in at 9:25. by that time, I had ordered a taxi, and as usual, just as she came, the taxi also came. This ti me I told her I was leaving. I had waited for her and as usual she had been late and I was fed up with it. There was nothing she could do about it. she acknowledged I had a right to leave.
well, I was mad and she saw that too. Like I said, I don't think I've ever gotten into her office on time.
I think it was more than just her being lae that led me to leave. Part of me, a strong part, really didn't want to have to deal with the issue of the dosage. I want to give it a little longer. So, that part of me was relieved that I was able to get away without the appointment.
I don't like the fact that the higher dose just covers everything up--the negative feelings--I sense and feel them more at the lower dose. I want to work on thecore issues and problems underlying them, not just gloss over them. Still, later on, I realized it was irresponsible to just cancel and not make another session, so I called up and left a message for making another appointment.
I know the phenomenon of somehow feeling failure if the meds haven't worked--haven't allowed me to work through the negative thoughts, depression, anxiety, and si. You are right, of course. No one would blame someone for any other bodily organ not working right as related to willpower. Although, I have to admit, I often felt that if I could just will it enough, I would have become pregnant. You know these visualization exercises where you are supposed to visualize the womb opening and the baby inside. My t. said, he's known a lot of women who have been raped. They certainly didn't will the resulting pregnancy! No one would fault my husband for taking a lower or higher dose of a drug. the main thing is to find out the dose that works best. With this depression/anxiety thing, though, it's not so crystal clear--much more of a cloudy line. Maybe 10mg more isn't such a difference, but in this game, it feels different.
I guess, deep down, I'm afraid she'll tell me to take the higher dose and I really don't want to. I told all of this to my t. and he said to discuss it with her. I guess I'm not ready yet to discuss it. If I was really in a bad situation, I wouldn't be so lenient and would have waited for her. at this point, though, I'm far along enough in the treatment that I can allow myself a little more time.
I'm still doing the yoga almost every day and enjoying it. and I am starting to do a little more in other things also. Right now, the hardest thing is getting back into coaching or writing. I'm not sure what I will do about these things. As I said before, the only constant things right now are yoga and daily Scripture reading. Tziporah
Tziporah
web: www.istillhavemylife.com
blog: tziporahwishky.livejournal.com
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Tue, 02-12-2008 - 10:14am
((((((((((hugs))))))))))


It's never simple isn't it? On the one hand you stand up for yourself by saying that it's not appropriate for the good doctor to always be late and that you were going to move on with your day. It's good. It's a statement. It's giving voice to your disastifaction. On the flip side to it, it was at the same time a convenient action to take because it would temporarily postpone any decision pertaining to dosage.


I'm sorry that you feel that way about willing pregnancy ((((((hugs)))))) It brings tears to my eyes because it reminds me of the times I thought I was and then I wasn't. And now I'm doing the countdown to when I officially say no babies for me. 395 days for me to release, grieve, and move on.


My thoughts: with the depression/anxiety, the main thing is the same as with a physical malady: finding the right drug or the right combination of drugs, and the right dosage. It seems cloudy because there's always that part of us (as well as part of the society that we live in) that thinks that we can will ourselves to not be on drugs. It's double standards. It's the stigma of mental disease that whispers to us.


Instead of worrying so much about the writing and the life coaching, why don't you give yourself an official break from these, but set yourself a deadline. It'll give you time to think what you'd like to write about. Maybe you could write about not wanting to write and how yoga is helping you?



iVillage Member
Registered: 03-12-2007
Tue, 02-12-2008 - 4:18pm
actually, i felt very good leaving and not just letting her apologize for the umpteenth time and my obediently walking into her office as if nothing had happened. last time it was the same scenario--just as i am getting in my taxi she shows up. that time i agreed to wait, but i had to wait another half-hour till she dealt with her personal family emergency, getting oxygen for her ailing mother. to her credit, she didn't charge me for that appointment because of the fact i was kept waiting because of her personal problems. but i have never gotten in on time with her and i was really fed up with this. so, this time, when the same thing happened again, her showing up just as i'm getting into the taxi, i decided once and for all, enough is enough, and decided to leave. i had already waited a half-hour. it's not in a hospital clinic. this is her private practice and i'm paying good money, my money, private, out of my pocket, and i think i deserve better. it's like any business. clients, customers, deserve to be treated with some courtesy.
the truth is, i did go on to have a nice day. i was supposed to go home and my husband was going to the dentist--an hour's drive away. when i was about to get out of the cab, and he got in, he said--why not come with me? and you know what? I did! much better than hanging around the house. it was a very sunny day out. i needed that break.
afterwards, i got home and called the doc up for another appointment and explained i had other things to do. she'll call eventually.
there's this dynamic. she lets me stew sometimes, or i have to demean myself and call a few times before her secretary answers.
of course, she had to put in her jibe before i got in the cab: i know you are angry, but i'm not. like she's telling me, work on your anger control. bull!
i think, overall, being assertive, was a good thing. i know my t. will ask about it. i wonder what kind of analysis he'll take. he's funny in that way. sometimes he'll make comments and sometimes says absolutely nothing and i am left wondering what he thinks about what i've said. of course, if i ask him, he has the classic line: it's not what i think that counts, but what you think. bull again!
you are right of course about the stigma of mental illness and dosages. it should be like any other physical malady, and i've read enough books by psychiatrists to understand that, but there is the cognitive school that says a lot of it has to do with thought control, learning to change your thoughts, etc.
actually, today started out rather frustratingly--is that a word?--frustratingly? i was trying to download a video from a yoga website and it took a very long time, almost an hour, to do it. i was questioning myself: is this ocd obessiveness or just plain perseverence and persistence? i started to take it personally--everything i do never goes easy for me. then, i was aware of this mantra and was able to challenge it. i told myself it was just a bad connection with the internet or the website or something--not a personal intended hassle. i finally got the thing to work and enjoyed it.
i had a good day. instead of putting off learning for doing more necessary things, i spent time learning Scriptures first. then, i took care of an e mail i had been procrastinating over for several weeks. just as i was finishing it, the person for whom the email was intended, called me up, and since i had the details right in front of me, was able to take care of it over the phone. no humiliation about STILL not having done it.
after that, i learned some more and enjoyed myself. i also took naps. plus, because of his root canal, Shabtai, my husband, was here--a very good reason for an enjoyable day.
i have started one of Nathaniel Brandon's books on self-esteem: The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem. it's a very scholarly work, not one of those quick fix how-to books. it's very intense for me. almost every page triggers questions. but i am learning from his insights. just today, he talked about a client who had chosen the career his parents wanted, vs. what he wanted, and the resentment he felt and how it affected his performance. boy, did that ring a bell!
if you were to ask me this moment what i would do, i would have to say: i'd like to stay at the 30mg dose.
you know what gets me really mad? when you're late, the docs deduct it from your time--they peanilize you or punish you--unless it's an extraordinarily very good reason. but when they're late, you have to do what they want. talk about double standards. that's one of the biggest ones i can think of right now.
well, this has been a long email, but it feels good getting it out of my system.
Tziporah
ps. Poppy, i'm so sorry I made you cry over the pregnant part in my last email. it is a very sensitive issue for a lot of women. it's just that a lot of people believe that if you could just visualize it enough, it would somehow magically happen. the reallity is often very different.
Tziporah
web: www.istillhavemylife.com
blog: tziporahwishky.livejournal.com
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Wed, 02-13-2008 - 5:05am
I am so glad that you had such a good day. That you turned it into a nice day, spent it with your husband, enjoyed the sunshine, etc. Yay!


Please don't ever demean yourself. No one should ever have to do this, and well, having a pdoc who wants you to do this (or is it just the secretary having you jump through hoops?) isn't healthy. The relationship between pdoc and patient should be linearly horizontal, not vertical. You are there to work together.


About videos for yoga. Yoga Journal has yoga podcasts (just the sound, no image). So far there are 4 podcasts that last around 25 minutes. There are other yoga podcasts. If you are interested, tell me.


My parents know of a family who had pushed their daughter to become a doctor. Being a very dutiful daughter, that's what she did. When she graduated 7 years later, she gave her mother her diploma, already encased in a beautiful frame. She told her mother that it was hers to keep since she was the one who wanted it so much. The daughter then went back to school to do what she wanted to do (I can't remember what, but it was certainly not medicine).


Don't worry about making me cry. You couldn't have known that this is something that I've been thinking about. My initial cut-off date was when I was 40, then I pushed it back to 45. I'm turning 45 in 365 days. People can tell me that I've got a lot of kids in my life, which is true. That I spend a lot of time with my nephew, which is true. I love them and I enjoy (and look forward to) the time I spend with them. They are very special to me. It's not about that. It's also about being a mother (it was never about being pregnant, mind you). I do have the option of being a single mother by either adopting a child, or finding a way to have my own biological child. After much thought, I've decided that being a single mother by choice is not the path that is right for me for a lot of reasons. So at some points in the next year I'm going to grieve and mourn, a little bit at a time until I have let it all go. That's one of my personal work for 2008.


Lots of hugs,



iVillage Member
Registered: 03-12-2007
Thu, 02-14-2008 - 11:45pm
Poppy, as always, you are so encouraging. Thanks.
I've been talking this whole thing about the psychdoc with my t. i toldhim what happened this last visit. i thought he would just condemn me but he didn't. he asked pointed questions and said ultimately it was my decision.
i guess that's part of it--i would very much love for someone else to make this decision for me.
i am not good at starting anything new, whether it's learning a computer, starting a new course, or switching docs. i like the old and familiar--get used to it.
in general, change is very hard for me.
to be honest, i was tempted to just stop seeing anybody and medicate myself, but i know within myself this is unsafe and unwise. i reread parts of Jack Goreman's book, the New Psychiatry, which i often use as a reference guide, and he says this is unsafe to do--to self-medicate oneself. and, as he says, even if the prescription remains the same, in his words: "there is no substitute for seeing the patient." why can't this be easy, like switching dentists?--something i've done with little hassle?
i guess i'm also still a bit afraid she will up the dose and i don't really want to do tht yet. true, my nail-biting is a bit on the increase, but i'm less bothered by it this week than last. last week i was embarrassed at the thought of Sabbath guests seeing my fingers. this week i am not. i am still cutting my hair, but not every day. one big haircut and then some modifications for a day or two afterwards, and then i can forget about it--it's short enough to forget about, and i wear a long enough head-covering so i don't have to be tempted. still, the worst anxiety times are in the morning, but then i get on with my day.
i have gotten into a good routine i like. i get up, do yoga most days, unless my body says it's time for a break. i take a day or two off, no more than that. i am doing the meditation exercises almost every day. i have finished reading through the books of Joshua and Judges in the Bible--with Jewish commentary--and am now starting Ruth. i have been learning several hours daily and enjoy it. i also take periodic naps, instead of one long sleep, which seems to be working. i used to feel guilty about doing this--not now, though. i just give into it and feel better, rested and refreshed when i wake up.
i am stil in contact with my coah and things are moving slowly but surely. she is very encouraging.
i am also reading a book on self-esteem--very slowly.
in therapy, i am talking about ore issues, not just playing around.
one question i have been struggling with is: is this new routine a rturn to my realk, authentic self or just a pleasant way of withdrawing from more difficult chanllenging tasks? i'm not sure. sometimes i think it's really what i've always wanted to do, and i feel happy in it. but i also know i have that tendency to avoid and withdraw from unpleasant hard things. so which is it?
perhaps time will tell and i shouldn't worry about it now. that is what my oach would say.
anyway, i guess i put off making a decision with this psychodoc because she hasn't answered my message, which i left a few hours after i walked out. i guess i would like the decision about what to do to be made passively, let things take their own turn, let events take their course. or, ask someone else to decide for me. this is a cop out, of course.
as far as a relationhip with her, it has always been a bit tense, conflicted, filled with misunderstandings. this isjust the latest episode. my t. says it's because there is some transference--she is a figure that reminds me of my mother. he says i also take things personally. these observations are correct. he said i have tojust stop processing this and decide. it's hard because she knows me so well and starting off from scratch with a new doc. would involve that getting-to-know-you process again. but you are right--this should be a relationship of cooperation, not conflict. just because i'm in follow-up, does that mean i deserve to be ignored? i mean, she's good at answering emergencies, but on follow-up, she takes her sweet time. she has the secretary handle the follow-up calls--making new appointments. my t. said it also has to do with my expecting something from her--expecting her to change her behavior, which, of course, she proably won't do. knowing that, the question is: do i want to continue working with a doc who has these kinds of patterns? i keep asking myself--if someone on this message board had this predicatment, what would i advise them to do? i would probably say, find someone else. so, why can't i do that for myself? i guess it's because of the factors i said before, preferring the familiar and hating to have to make decisions.
as far as yoga goes, i'd enjoy knowing more about podcasts and videos. thanks.
if anyone besides Poppy has feedback on this dilemma, i'd appreciate hearing it. Tziporah
Tziporah
web: www.istillhavemylife.com
blog: tziporahwishky.livejournal.com

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