Belated Welcome, Shavtay2007

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Belated Welcome, Shavtay2007
1100
Tue, 03-20-2007 - 10:32am

Hi Tziporah,


I am so sorry that this is such a belated welcome to you. I've been absent from the board for nearly a month - so many things have been happening in my life that it was difficult to also come here. The good news is that life has somewhat calmed down (but I'm still crossing my fingers and my toes), which means that I'm back on iVillage.


I am so very happy to see you here, participating and sharing in our conversations! I hope that we'll get to know each other better in the coming weeks.


Welcome again!


(PS: I love the sound of your name!)


Please visit these other great message boards:
Cranio-Facial Abnormalities
In Vitro (IVF)



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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-12-2007
Sun, 04-06-2008 - 3:19am
The last few days I have been feeling anxious--actually since Friday. I have often checked my hair to see how it is growing in--it is starting to grow in. I really want to resist the urge to cut it off, just as it is growing in. I've said this before--but this time I really want to succeed. So far, I have been able to resist the temptation, although several times a day I still touch it to see how it is doing. As for my cuticles, they are also healing and mending, although I occasionally have been picking at them and making them bleed--then feeling disgusted. That happened to me in synagogue this last Sabbath. Last night, I couldn't sleep and started to pick at one nail. My husband said to stop it and go to sleep. I put my hand under the pillow--it worked for a few minutes, and then it started again. Again he told me to stop it. Again I put my hand under the pillow. this time I was able to control myself. I sometimes have dreams and I'm usually arguing with someone in them. That's what happened again. This time I was arguing with the doctor who was trying to treat my husband's sore knee--only thing is, this is another doctor we haven't even seen yet! I think it is because until now, all the doctors we have seen, haven't really done anything to help improve the situation.
I have tried to think what could be causing the anxiety. I can only up come with three possibilities--all of which may be contributing together:
1 things are looking up and I have been busier, more responsibilities, more potential challenges, and, as Poppy has often pointed out--along with my t.--I am anxious about success.
2 I haven't been doing yoga for a few days, so my relaxation level is down. Still, I wanted a break from it, and I did relax on the Sabbath and the day before it.
3 I have been eating chocolate, which is high in caffeine, and caffeine is known to bring on anxiety. Passover is coming up--time to clean out the old food from the house, a requirement for the holiday. One thing that will be disappearing is the chocolate!
I don't want to have another backslide again. I want to be able to overcome the urge and let the hair grow in and not reach for the scissors every time it starts to get long.
I want to be able to let the cuticles really heal and stay that way, not for a day or two, but for longer than that, a week or two, a month or two, forever. That may be unrealistic--but I certainly want to make the periods between the cuticle-picking longer than they have been.
Tziporah
Tziporah
web: www.istillhavemylife.com
blog: tziporahwishky.livejournal.com
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2005
Mon, 04-07-2008 - 1:53am
My condolences Poppy on your aunt and the emotional ride you are undertaking in looking after your father, hugs.

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Amanda

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2005
Mon, 04-07-2008 - 1:59am

Tziporah,


Sorry I didn't get to your messages yesterday, I don't know how I missed it. I'm sorry to hear that your anxiety is high right now. If you'd like to share your blog with me I'd love to read it. Send me an email with the address if you like. I'm glad you've been somewhat successful from time to time at stopping yourself from picking your cuticles by putting your hands under your pillow. And from what I read I think you still haven't cut your hair but you really want to, is that correct? I just cut off my hair because it was bugging me. Everyone wants me to grow it but it gets to the point where it is longer than my fingers and then it starts sticking up funny in places and that bugs me. If I could get past that point it would be okay. It was down to my ears last time I cut it. I wish I could grow it a bit more. I was looking at pictures of myself even with it short and spiky with bangs, and that was even better than it is now. Ah well. I guess I'm saying I know how you feel. *wink* Hugs.


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Amanda

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-12-2007
Mon, 04-07-2008 - 3:22am
Hi Amanda, Don't worry about missing my message. I saw you were writing to a lot of people yesterday--trying to catch up. It's okay. My blog address is: tziporahwishky.livejournal.com
I've actually gotten to liking blogging and have even found a few blogs I would like to read--just like you said I would. Thanks for telling me to keep with it.
I appreciate the wink at the end of your last message. You got it exactly right. I tried resisting, but couldn't do it for more than a few hours after writing this post. I guess it was the same thing that happens to you--except with me it happens when the hair grows out, or is starting to grow out. I will touch my head, spot a very long single strand of hair or two, or sometimes a very short strand, but it is single, standing out, and I just feel like I have to cut it off, get rid of it, make the whole surface conform. I try resisting, telling myself this is a healthy thing, that the hair is just starting to grow out again, a normal process. Sometimes I can overcome the urge, at least for awhile, sometimes for a day or two even, but at some point the tension becomes too much to bare, and then I think--to hell with it--and just cut it off. Get rid of it and no longer have to think about it--at least until it grows in again, which usually is about two weeks. I used to have to cut it about once a week, but now have been able to sometimes stretch out the length between episodes to every two weeks, improvement--if you could call it that.
With my cuticles--well, a similar story. they were just almost completely healed. And then, wham, I cut a finger with my fingernail, bit the skin, etc., made a bloody mess-the finger that had taken the longest to heal, enjoyed chewing on the cut-off piece of skin. Gross. I feel so ashamed. Now, in an effort to get rid of the ragged parts, I just keep picking at it, or examining it. Of course, that just makes the sore finger worse. Of course, that has lead to examining every other finger, but so far, I haven't been tempted to do too much to them. One's enough right now for humiliation.
I think it has to do with success anxiety, as Poppy has often said, and as my t. has said. I just get anxious about the thought of success--it will mean changing my image, more demands, new challenges. That's it I think. New challenges--how will I handle them? How will I be able to handle the tension if I don't cut my hands or hair? A new challenge. I just had thisinsight,but it feels right. Just like handling the new challenges that are coming my way right now--the blog, my first client, a whole host of new things, new tasks, new challenges. Very tension-producing. But it's so stupid. So ironic. After all, aren't these the very things I've always wanted: healed hands, nice hair, a successful career? If it was permitted, I would type the word "sit", with the 8th letter of the alphabet added in--I can't write it because of the rules here. Oh, well. I will abide by the rules. Laugh. Tziporah
Tziporah
web: www.istillhavemylife.com
blog: tziporahwishky.livejournal.com
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-12-2007
Mon, 04-07-2008 - 12:38pm
I picked at another cuticle and made it sore--before I put on the gloves. It's almost like I'm competing with myself in order to see how many cuticles I can ruin before stopping. This is utterly insane. Tziporah
Tziporah
web: www.istillhavemylife.com
blog: tziporahwishky.livejournal.com
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2001
Tue, 04-08-2008 - 9:05pm
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2001
Tue, 04-08-2008 - 9:23pm

Something just popped in my head as I read this particular post. Yes, it does seem as though there is a competition between two parts of you. One wants to heal. The other is insisting on picking a cuticle or cutting your hair. I have got similar ... hmm... what shall I call it - mixed feelings.

There is a part of myself who is still a victim, still hurt, still holding on to victimhood and that is very reluctant to relinquish the steering wheel of my life to the part of me that is a survivor, who has found the unhurt core of myself and who wants to move on.

A few weeks ago, a poster on the PTSD board named Opal45 (real name Gail) suggested that I look into inner child work and do dominant hand/non-dominant hand writing to talk to the inner child who is hurt. In my case, I think it would be to the young woman who was hurt. I haven't done this yet, but it's been in the back of my mind. The dominant hand is you right now. The non-dominant hand is either the inner child, or the you who picks at the cuticle, who cuts the hair, who doesn't want success. Instead of battling, why not listen to what she has to say.

Tziporah, whoever first said or implied that you will never be a success, that you will never be independent and doing what you want to do in the world was wrong. I don't know whether it was out of ignorance or out misguided protectiveness or whatever. But that person was wrong. You are already a success. You are already independent. You are already your own person. You have already done a lot of the things that you wanted to do. You have already found a way to get through the obstacles that were in front of you.

I am flu-ey and I am going back to bed for a few hours after I go to the supermarket to get my father some things. He's eating again, but we have to find ways to up the calorie-intake. I'll be making him a banana split later this afternoon, and chocolate pudding is also on my list - both things that are not normally in the fridge!

BTW, my father met Margaret Thatcher. He was given a prize here for his contribution to engineering and to the country's development and she was there there as a speaker during the organization's congress. My parents have also met Charles Lindbergh and his wife, and Pierre Trudeau.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-12-2007
Wed, 04-09-2008 - 3:31am
As usual, I can say--Poppy, you are right on target.
I talked with my therapist in the last session about this very thing--the competition within myself. He interpreted it differently than you did. However, my coach has suggested your interpretation--that I want to hold onto this outdated image of myself because it is serving me in some way. I guess it serves me by keeping me in the comfort zone, not having to face new challenges--because new challenges make me anxious, as I wrote before.
My therapist suggests that as long as I frame it in the way I have till now, it will be a no-win situation, because at some moment the tension will always become so overwhelming that I won't be able to resist, will say--to hell with it--give in and do the self-defeating behavior, just to get the thing over and done.
He said it isn't a case of: should I bite my cuticles, or should AI not bite my cuticles; should I cut my hair, or should I not cut my hair; should I exercise or should I not exercise, etc. That is just another way of saying: should I give into this urge or should I not.
Instead, it has to be: what benefit will I derive from refraining from the self-defeating behaviors? What benefit will I gain by engaging in healthy behaviors? He cited my ability to practice yoga. Of course, there is the element that I should do it--after all, it is healthy exercise. Howevr, I do it not because ofthat, but because uppermost in my mind is the enjoyment I derive from it--the physical enjoyment of feeling my body becoming more flexible, moving with more ease; the mental discipline of the concentration that is needed; and the emotional/spiritual relaxation it gives my mind. Similarly, he suggested, I pray because of the contact with G-d, the opportunity to connect with G-d. Of course, there is the element of obligation. Just like in Islam, Jews are required to pray a certain number of times daily--the rquirement dependent on certain things. For example, men are required to pray three times daily, women once or twice. Sometimes I pray out of obligation. Sometimes I skip a day and then feel guilty about it. But, in the main, I do pray daily, not only because of the obligation, but primarily because when I do so I feel better, calmer, more energized, etc. He said this is the model I should apply to other areas of my life. I should try to focus on what having healthy hands, grown-in hair, etc., will mean in trms of benefits--nicer looking hands, smoother skin, prettier hair--even if it is covered by a headcovering. This analysis makes sense to me.
He said I might have to consider wearing gloves 24/7 for awhile , something I am not thrilled about.
I have seen this method of the dominant hand/versus the other hand exercise. It really does work. It does seem to bring up emotional feelings, when trying to write with the weaker hand. The stronger hand represents the adult self, the weaker hand the child self that still has influence on us.
I once read that getting rid of the child self completely is notalways a good thing. We need that child within us in order to allow ourselves time to play. I think it is important to remember that.
We get so bogged down in work, we do not allow ourselves the pleasure of playing for the sake of play, without any ulterior motive, such as needing to win.
My therapist has also said what you have--that I am already independent, already successful, already have accomplished and achieved many of the things I have wanted to do in my life. The only trouble is--I don't feel it, I don't believe it. I still feel like I'm in the prepatory stage, that I really have not become totally independent, achieved real success. This is a very deep issue and you can rest assured my t. is working on it.
It's funny--a lot of th methods that he employs used to cause me pain. Now they don't--or at least, not nearly as much as before. I thought of this yesterday in the session. He was homing in on the issue of the tension I feel when I try to resist si. He kept going over it and over it. It felt like a cross-examination in court, where the lawyer keeps pressing a point, keeps going back to the same question, trying to get more out. That kind of intensity used to bring up a lot of pain. I still thought of this cross-examination image, but I didn't feel the pain. Sometimes he will ask a question and he wants a yes-no answer, yes, meaning that I acknowledge that I still am doing something negative. Those are the worst questions because they bring up shame and humiliation. But I am still able to answer them nonetheless.
Now for something lighter. I thought, after reading about your father and Margaret Thatcher, why not have a thread about all the famous individuals people have met--not in a large crowd, but really stood face-to-face with. As I said, for me that was: LBJ. By the way, Margaret Thatcher is definitely my mother's type--and is someone she admires strongly. Feel better soon. Tziporah
Tziporah
web: www.istillhavemylife.com
blog: tziporahwishky.livejournal.com
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2005
Thu, 04-10-2008 - 1:10am

Hi Tziporah,


I will check out your blog either after I finishe the boards or tomorrow. I will also give you the address of my blog once I post to it. I've only posted once to the one on ivillage. I have on insanejournal but I only put a few things there too.


I understand the feeling of needing your hair to be even. I am constantly putting my hands through my hair and if it sticks up longer through my fingers I have to cut it. Good for you for being able to go longer between cuts, that is an improvement for sure.


It is also an improvement that your hands were almost healed before picking at them again. I know it feels bad to have done it again, like you are stepping back, but you are going longer between episodes at times and that's something.


I can relate to the success anxiety. I think I do a little self-sabotage with my schoolwork so that I don't have to leave an environment that is familiar and step out into the unknown of the work world. I think that is a natural fear. Being comfortable in the "old me" in completely normal. I don't think you should beat yourself up for that. It may be a slow and anxious process but you can do it! (Hugs)


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Amanda

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-12-2007
Thu, 04-10-2008 - 12:46pm
I hope you will get over these si problems, just as you hope I will get over mine. Still, knowing that someone goes crazy over the same things I do--I mean the haircutting thing--is helpful. It means I'm not the only one doing this nutty thing. It is really ridiculous, a senseless behavior.
I had a session with my coach yesterday and she added a design to my blog page to make it look more attractive. The page now has a color scheme to it and the desgin on top is of a typewriter keyboard with the keys randomly scattered around. It seems to fit me, conveying the idea that words and typing are central to me. The most important part of this exercise, however, besides the improved look of the page, was being able to acknowledge that I needhelp in blog and web design. There is no way I can do this myself, because I have no clue to the visual side of things. Acknowledging that I need help as a blind person is not easy for me at all. It is easier doing it long distance, though, than doing it in the real face-to-face live world. Perhaps, hopefully, by practicing this skill here and elsewhere on the computer, acknowledging that I sometimes must ask for assistance, will make it easier for me to do in real life. I like to come across as completely independent and self-sufficient, never needing help. Tziporah
Tziporah
web: www.istillhavemylife.com
blog: tziporahwishky.livejournal.com

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