Belated Welcome, Shavtay2007
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Belated Welcome, Shavtay2007
| Tue, 03-20-2007 - 10:32am |
Hi Tziporah,
I am so sorry that this is such a belated welcome to you. I've been absent from the board for nearly a month - so many things have been happening in my life that it was difficult to also come here. The good news is that life has somewhat calmed down (but I'm still crossing my fingers and my toes), which means that I'm back on iVillage.
I am so very happy to see you here, participating and sharing in our conversations! I hope that we'll get to know each other better in the coming weeks.
Welcome again!
(PS: I love the sound of your name!)

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You are self-sufficient and independent, Tziporah. The problems are that a) you don't believe it and b) you put yourself on standards that no one on this earth could ever achieve all of the time.
Tziporah, even heads of nations have a team of people to assist them - so why don't you let people assist you? Getting help, not being able to do some things on our own, needing help for certain tasks - it's normal. It has nothing to do with your intelligence or your independence.
Your blog looks great now! Woohoo!! It looks more open, more inviting now.
Get a survivor siggie here!
Crisis Center: Rape & Suicide
I had to laugh when I read your last posting here to this thread. Just the kind of things my t. tells me all the time. Maybe I should be paying you instead of him? haha.
Seriously, it is a big issue for me to believe in myself and my abilities. As my t. would say, I am an "expert at putting myself down".
The other part of the question, about accepting help has to do with blindness. It was always drummed into me: "you can't do this, and you can't do that", "you need help because you are blind", seeing my parents--who are sighted, do things that I needed help for. It was from this that I began to equate help with negative associations, whereas being able to do it myself was positive.
That hasn't changed. Just last night I was going down a flight of stairs and someone wanted to help me. I said I could walk down the stairs myself, which I could. I needed to show her That I wasn't this helpless blind little girl. It also had to do with my wanting and needing to be fiercely independent. My husband, who is blind, does not have this fixation. He does not find it demeaning or negative to ask for help. It has to do with the fact that we were brought up in different backgrounds, circumstances and settings, not inherent in the blindness itself.
Asking for help is difficult, it's hard enough on the computer. Still, I can do it--there is a certain anonymity to it--nobody knows or even has to know I am blind, let alone that I needed assistance in setting up the blog. It's false, of course, not the whole truth. You can hide in the computer--change your identity completely, if you want. there are websites that let you do that. In the real world it's not like that. People see you for who you are. I mean, on the computer, you don't have to reveal the color of your skin if you don't want to. Once you show your face, everybody knows and sees whether you are black, white, brown, etc. It's the same with blindness. Once you step out the door with a cane or seeing-eye dog, everybody knows the truth. Or, if you are seen reading a braille book, etc. Same thing.
I guess that is what my therapy is largely about--getting over these outdated deeply implanted limitting beliefs. And believe me, every session is a struggle, a fight, a fight within myself, I mean; not with the t., a fight against the resistance to hold onto it. He said that in the last session--even after all this time and work, I still have a core resistance. Wow.
Well, besides that, I have a nice surprise for you. I'll send you a private email with that. Tziporah
web: www.istillhavemylife.com
blog: tziporahwishky.livejournal.com
Maybe you could write down a list of all of the things that you have accomplished since the age of... hmm... 18 till now. Things that are important to you, your milestones, etc.
The other day a cl on another message board asked me for my definition of peace. I wrote that Peace is the art of accepting that we can't like or control everything that goes on in and around us, and being okay with that.
I'm off to bed!
Get a survivor siggie here!
Crisis Center: Rape & Suicide
It has to do more with noticing the failures, vs. noticing the successes within myself.
I was reading a story today that illustrates this. A professor deliveed a lecture at a major conference and the audience was asked to evaluate it. Out of 110 participants, 109 gave very favorable responses to his presentation. Only ONE person wrote a negative evaluation. Instead of focussing on the 109 favorable responses, this prof. focussed on the 110th unfavorable response and was devastated. Ps. this prof. is a leading addiction expert and psychiatrist! Which just goes to show, that the therapists are prone and vulnerable to the same human foibles as the rest of us.
More to the point, he was able to realize his error. Why was it that he was so duped and tricked into this mindset--totally deceived by one response? Because, he was so swayed by the negative response, it had so much import for him, it totally outclassed and overshadowed the other 109 overwhelmingly good responses--a totally absurd situation. He realized in retrospect that he should have been able to dismiss this response as either being the result of poor judgment, (after all, 109/1 should mean something--can 109 people really be wrong?), or it was this one person's own personal biases, or perhaps he wasn't estute enough to really understand the content. Whatever, this expert realized he should have been giving himself a wopping paton the back for getting such high marks.
It's like the kid who always gets in the nineties, but can never make the elusive 100 score on a test and can't be happy with the high mark.
What this guy then said next really hit me, and I thought about self-injury when I read it.
"If you have an infection on one finger, do you pay attention to it, or do you pay attention to the other nine fingers that are okay? Most people will focus on the sore finger and ignore the rest."
That is the significance of this whole thing. My t. said I pay attention to the sore finger, as it were, and forget about the healthy fingers. I pay attention to the failures, the unhealthy parts of myself and ignore the healthy, thriving parts. That is why, essentially, my successes don't mean anything.
The solution is to fix what can be fixed if it can be fixed and then to keep up with the things that are going well and develop them.
Of course, this example was very graphic for mean, since I really do have sore fingers.
My fingers were pretty good--then today I bit them again and in the eening, feeling tension, totally ruined one side of a finger. So, my left hand is a mess. I put on the gloves--but not until I had already made a mess of that finger and it was sore and hurting--painful. The same old story every time.
So now, my right hand looks pretty good--fairly decent and healing, while my left hand is red and raw. Shut---change the letter U to I. for the real meaning.
Tziporah
web: www.istillhavemylife.com
blog: tziporahwishky.livejournal.com
web: www.istillhavemylife.com
blog: tziporahwishky.livejournal.com
I read the following passage in a book intended for recovering alcoholics and their families. With a few changes, its message is equally applicable to those of us who hurt ourselves through self-injury. It is worth reading and remembering this from time to time and perhaps more often.
Abstinence Is An Affirmative Act
There is a positive approach to abstinence.
There is natural resistance to restrictions of any kind, even self-imposed. The statement "don't drink" or "don't pick up" often triggers an automatic reaction to do so.
However, instead of seeing restrictions in a negative light, we can make a positive commitment to care for our body. We can vow not to let harmful things happen to it, much the same as a mother is committed to protecting her infant. Our statement is not "I am against chemicals." It is "I am for my body."
Like an infant, our body is entrusted into our care and is quite helpless. We can put nutritious substances into it and keep it strong ; or give it dangerous chemicals, which will ruin it. Our body has no choice, and is completely at our mercy.
While our body is a vital part of our person, it is only part of it. We are the people in charge of our bodies, and we have the responsibility to care for them. Just as mothers let nothing stand in the way of protecting their infants, we will not let anything interfere with our protecting our body from harm. And just as mothers take great pride in keeping their infants healthy, we can take pride in keeping our body healthy.
---from: Seek Sobriety, Find Serenity by Abraham Twerski, M.D.
Tziporah
web: www.istillhavemylife.com
blog: tziporahwishky.livejournal.com
reading it and writing it was not enough. I recalled what it said, but couldn't stopmyself from continuing to mess up my nailsanyway. I put on the gloves, was even extra "nice" to my body by creaming my rough hands and feet-rubbing cream into them. I felt positive and good about doing that. I tried to sleep--was busy trying to think about how I should advertise my coach, what niche I want to work in, where to advertise, which kind of people to target, etc. great exercise of the mind for staying awake. about 90 minutes after lying down in bed, I had to go the bathroom--take off the gloves. that was enough to start it up again, the si, I mean. I went back to bed, put them on again. all okay until the cell phone alarm went off, and even though i thought I had turned it off, it kep ringing. finally, found it in my bathrobe pocket and shut the thing off. enough to make me wake up again--just as i wasstarting to relax--4:15a.m by now. getting up in an hour, so I tried to sleep the best I could. finally got up at the proper time. I get up early because my husband goes to early morning prayers. went into the bathroom, took off the gloves to wash, started biting them again, made another bloody mess. now in the office with the gloves back on and one more sore bleeding. shut--change the u. to i.
I really hate wearing the gloves. it is hard to do a lot of things wearing them, especially anything connected with water.without them, however, the temptation is just too strong right now. the minute they are off, i start up ripping the already-sore fingers some more. just a few weeks ago, one or two, the hands, my hands, were almost perfect.
does this story sound familiar to anyone? laugh. well, it's familiar to me at any rate.
i'm so disgusted with myself forgetting into this mess.
the Passover holiday is coming up this week end--meaning, family meals with everybody there, and everyone will get a chance to see my messed uphands unless a miracle happens and they somehow miraculously heal in time.
i'm tired of this. yesterday thought about how I was at a friend's house for Passover twenty yers agowith the same ripped-up hands. it's insane.
I'm starting to thing the t., the b-----rd, is right. I might have to glove my hands 24/7 for awhile--something he said in the last or next to last session. they're right about almost everything. at least my t. is.
well, a note here. when i'm going through a bad rut I start to use improper words. a sign of reverting to my youth. i'm just so disgusted and mad with myself. i mean, i'm a mature, intellegent adult, have been through this thing countless times, and still can't get a handle on it. no amount of psychotherapy has really helped--notthat it hasn't made it more understandable. but when push comes to shove, i seem to fail every time, can never sustain the healthy-looking, nice-looking, healed hands for more than a few days at most, let alone a few hours. right now, a few seconds or minutes is all i am striving for. help! Tziporah
web: www.istillhavemylife.com
blog: tziporahwishky.livejournal.com
It's not hate and admonishment for yourself that you need, Tzip, but love and forgiveness.
So what can you do to reduce your anxiety? You might not have perfect hands by Saturday, but if you can reduce your anxiety in the next three days you'll be more relaxed and your hands will be looking better, too.
Get a survivor siggie here!
Crisis Center: Rape & Suicide
Tziporah,
I'm sorry to hear that that the SI is bad right now. Please don't beat yourself up for that. You are trying, it just is a really hard time for you right now. Good for you for accepting help with the design of your blog btw. I haven't read it yet, sorry. I've been sick and exhausted. I hate this. I feel like I am letting people down. I really like the excerpt from the alcholics book about being "for your body" and even though you are still engaging in SI it doesn't mean that you are not for your body, but you are unable to fully express that love toward your body at the moment. You are venturing out into your new business and working on your own journey and that is going to be hard. Sadly that is how you have known to cope for probably a long time. Thank your body and mind for getting you through the tough times you've had to get through the past, not to mention your understanding and faith in God and have hope that things can get better in the future. Keep pushing through it. Use your meditation, reading, blogging, gratitude list,
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